We'll have Chanel build a Children, we'll do this "Royal Karl Company" project. And yes Deline, you may be a part of it. We'll call the first play "Moonlight" and it will play with a PJ Harvey-inspired impressionist soundtrack on piano- like those old silent movies.
PLOT: Karl Lagerfeld was once a normal human being, living in a French villa sketching and drinking diet Coke. Okay, semi-normal being. Somewhat normal. Not really, but whatever, hmm? So Karl Lagerfeld lived in this villa, and had the happiest time of his life-- not with the smelly humans. But talking to the moonlight. We'll have dancing actors here; vaguely happy music by Moby or someone; somebody with a deep voice will go "These were happy days, and I am Gary Coleman."
At one point Karl says to Brad: "Sentimentality! What sentimentality? I could live anywhere and be happy!", and here Karl moves to a closet just to prove his point.
But the days go on, and Karl feels pangings of loneliness. We have dramatic music play here. The set's in monochrome. Russian Romantic music-- Rachmaninoff, etc. Karl sketches and sketches, and pretends to be unemotional. Only 10 assistants will die during this production.
One day, as Karl lies upside down radioing thoughts to Tavi, he hatches upon a plan.
Chanel jacket: What?
Karl: I have a cunning plan!
Chanel jacket: Really now.
His plan involves building a rocket to the moon, and bringing the moon back to the closet. We have Elton play "Rocket Man" live here-- then some David Bowie. "Space Oddity", etc. The rocket is built, with quilted interior and many Chanel logos for good luck-- not that Karl believes in that sort of thing. It is powered by diet Coke, with a backup supply of Anna's vodka.
During the journey to the moon Karl meets the ghost of Beethoven, who offers to come with him to the moon. Meanwhile, Kafka sits on a rocket of his own devising fighting with Nabokov.
Karl finally arrives at the moon, where he sings his ode to the moonlight. But how does the moonlight respond, hmm? We may cover this later.
We'll be holding auditions soon. My bookshop in Paris, please. Try and share private jets, because Al Gore's going to be there.