Monday, December 8, 2008

The Very Hungry Model: a Children's Story

Once upon a time there was a very thin model. Her name was Coco because all models are named that these days, because what actually happens is that people run out of names and then there’s no names to use so they just use Coco. And they drink Coco too, so they must be fat and wear polos because everybody knows that Coco contains calories (and Coco before bed is bad because how are you going to exercise it off, hmm? Unless you do..You Know What…but as this is a children’s book we shall not get into this. Ask Mummy about this when you are older).

Now. There was a model named Coco and she was very thin. She was so thin that all the designers wanted her for their shows, because she took up less fabric than normal people and therefore it was more economical to have her as a model. Of course, the other option was to have her buy the clothes she modelled herself; however this was not much of an option as then she’d be what we call a “consumer”, and not a model.

One day Coco was walking down the runway at Dries Van Noten bear’s show; where there was a girl-bear in the front row who was eating an APPLE. Coco felt an unfamiliar rumbling in her barely-there stomach, and made one giant jump for the apple; and tried to snatch it from the girl-bear’s hand.
“Mine!” said the girl-bear.
“No, mine!” said Coco, although she couldn’t possibly snatch it anyway because she was so very thin.
Coco’s stomach rumbled again.
“Awww…” said the girl-bear. I suppose you can have my apple…
Coco ate it and she then had a apple protruding out of her stomach, never mind all this business about the “digestive system”. She was still hungry.

The next day Coco ate two celery sticks, more than her usual one. She thought the apple would sustain her for a year or ten, but it had not. The apple was like crack for her, and it’s here was can learn about life: don’t feed the models (because food is like crack for them, haven’t you been told in school not to do drugs?).

The next day Coco ate 4 celery sticks and a piece of gum which her friend Geneva gallantly gave her.

The next day Coco sneaked into the bakery and bought ONE donut, as well as having EIGHT celery sticks and TWO pieces of gum.

The next day Coco bought TWO donuts from the bakery, ONE cream bun and 16 celery sticks and a whole PACKET of gum.

Karl-bear came to see her, and have her a copy of his book: “The Karl Lagerfeld Diet”. But the silly girl would not listen. She continued to nutrition herself, and keep herself healthy.

The next day Coco ate ONE roll of salami, ONE cake, FIVE donuts and 32 celery sticks and FIVE packets of gum. She was a very fat model. She weighed 60 Kilograms!

The next day Coco ate FIVE rolls of salami, TWO cakes; including a wedding cake, TEN donuts, 64 celery sticks and TEN packets of gum. That day she had a show, and she was so fat that she looked like a giant ball. And they had to roll her down the runway, and she crushed the audience and their Manalos.

She was a very very very very very fat model.

But then! She went into a rehab centre, which is basically a cocoon for famous people where The Karl Lagerfeld diet became her bible. And she emerged a beautiful butterfly-- I mean, model. And she was very thin again, and therefore fulfilled.

21 comments:

Ms. Butterfly said...

'And she emerged a beautiful butterfly...I mean model' :D Oh Karl!

sophia said...

I wish you were my dad Karl I would listen to all of your stories

Sarah said...

LOL!!! This is hilarious! I love how everyting about the story is actually true in the fashion world.

<3 Sarah

elvy v said...

"LOL!!! This is hilarious! I love how everything about the story is actually true in the fashion world"

This is not a joke dear Sara, Uncle Karl is telling you a story you should learn from. Do NOT eat more than just a celery stick a day. ever.

Maia said...

karl. i have become aware of a problem. in India, where i am a model, they like their models to EAT.
please help me stop this behavior. they even attempt to feed us at fashion shows and they do not let us smoke cigarettes.
please send me the name of this "rehab center" you speak of, so i can rescue India from fashion hell...

Postcards from Simitopia! said...

This is great! I only just discovered your blog (being new to this blogging thing) I'll be coming back for more of this goodness:)

Mo said...

oh karl, coco rocha? Please let's make it official, "don't feed the models; it's against the laws of chic"

Jeunesse said...

Another beautifully written story to read to my daughter... thanks Uncle Karl!

Doe Deere said...

My favorite entry by Karl, ever!!!

Jasmina said...

60 kg omg :o she got fat really fast x>

hi karl. said...

what are you telling children, don't eat beyond 2 celery sticks or you're a fat ass?

wannabe_doctor said...

Moral gained by me from this story: "You're fat!!" Thanks. Nice post.

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Jacqueline said...

So sad to know that stories like this have led to my generation's superficiality... well I suppose it's not only my generation, dear Karl.

Sian Amore said...

Odd

erin fitzpatrick said...

Love.

Chanel Björk said...

Brilliant, i laughed!

haha
www.marieandchanel.blogspot.com

Beautiful Budapest said...

Dear Mister Lagerfeld,

Genious fery tale!
Wasn't the Walter van Beirendonck défiée with the bears?
Dries van Noten dressed in a japanese kimono, prefers to dance in the park of his castle by Lier( Antwerpen)...
Maybe you could direct the choreopraphy called: "La dance du flamand dans le jardin japonais"

Emma Winn said...

I read this to my husband every night before bed xxx winnsome

mireille said...

je te souhaite love et... mon uncle

Spataro's CAS said...
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