The Very Hungry Model: a Children's Story

Once upon a time there was a very thin model. Her name was Coco because all models are named that these days, because what actually happens is that people run out of names and then there’s no names to use so they just use Coco. And they drink Coco too, so they must be fat and wear polos because everybody knows that Coco contains calories (and Coco before bed is bad because how are you going to exercise it off, hmm? Unless you do..You Know What…but as this is a children’s book we shall not get into this. Ask Mummy about this when you are older).

Now. There was a model named Coco and she was very thin. She was so thin that all the designers wanted her for their shows, because she took up less fabric than normal people and therefore it was more economical to have her as a model. Of course, the other option was to have her buy the clothes she modelled herself; however this was not much of an option as then she’d be what we call a “consumer”, and not a model.

One day Coco was walking down the runway at Dries Van Noten bear’s show; where there was a girl-bear in the front row who was eating an APPLE. Coco felt an unfamiliar rumbling in her barely-there stomach, and made one giant jump for the apple; and tried to snatch it from the girl-bear’s hand.
“Mine!” said the girl-bear.
“No, mine!” said Coco, although she couldn’t possibly snatch it anyway because she was so very thin.
Coco’s stomach rumbled again.
“Awww…” said the girl-bear. I suppose you can have my apple…
Coco ate it and she then had a apple protruding out of her stomach, never mind all this business about the “digestive system”. She was still hungry.

The next day Coco ate two celery sticks, more than her usual one. She thought the apple would sustain her for a year or ten, but it had not. The apple was like crack for her, and it’s here was can learn about life: don’t feed the models (because food is like crack for them, haven’t you been told in school not to do drugs?).

The next day Coco ate 4 celery sticks and a piece of gum which her friend Geneva gallantly gave her.

The next day Coco sneaked into the bakery and bought ONE donut, as well as having EIGHT celery sticks and TWO pieces of gum.

The next day Coco bought TWO donuts from the bakery, ONE cream bun and 16 celery sticks and a whole PACKET of gum.

Karl-bear came to see her, and have her a copy of his book: “The Karl Lagerfeld Diet”. But the silly girl would not listen. She continued to nutrition herself, and keep herself healthy.

The next day Coco ate ONE roll of salami, ONE cake, FIVE donuts and 32 celery sticks and FIVE packets of gum. She was a very fat model. She weighed 60 Kilograms!

The next day Coco ate FIVE rolls of salami, TWO cakes; including a wedding cake, TEN donuts, 64 celery sticks and TEN packets of gum. That day she had a show, and she was so fat that she looked like a giant ball. And they had to roll her down the runway, and she crushed the audience and their Manalos.

She was a very very very very very fat model.

But then! She went into a rehab centre, which is basically a cocoon for famous people where The Karl Lagerfeld diet became her bible. And she emerged a beautiful butterfly-- I mean, model. And she was very thin again, and therefore fulfilled.

Karl Lagerfeld: The Children's Book

A while ago I mentioned a children's book. It has been written, hm? It is being published soon. You will be able to get your little fingerless-gloved hands on it, and drape your tights that you steal from the Chanel shows, and read it with your dark sunglasses on at 1.40 AM. Yes, you can get your tiny sweaty hands on it, and give air-kisses to my children's book. "Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!" as you place KARL LAGERFELD: THE CHILDREN'S BOOK (Karl-Bear's adventures! Fun for all the family...chic ones only....others excluded..stand up to the tape measure, the chic tape measure, and it will determine whether you're chic enough) on a pedestal as you look yearn to lick the cover of the book, but you don't dare for fear that you'll ruin the complex biological system of the book itself.
"Non, non, non!" you will go to yourself, slapping yourself in a vaguely Tom-Ford-Bondage-like way, making sure you put it in a perspex case, just in case temptation overcomes you.
"OOOH KARL BOOK! I WANNNT YOU!" you might say to yourself, working yourself up into a state of lust and excitement. Then, if you go down this path, you'll probably put on some hot red lipstick and some Prada heels which unless you are my daughter, you'll fall over in. Then you'll pick out some lingerie and get ready for a night in bed with your KARL LAGERFELD: THE CHILDREN'S BOOK.
At which point you'll feel very dirty and repent, by making sure you go by the atelier and buy some couture.

Karl Bear, a story for children

Once upon a time there was a very chic land that looked similar to Paris but was not.
In it lived Karl Bear, and Anna Bear. There was many other people in it too, hmm? But Karl Bear and Anna Bear were the most chic.
Karl Bear was wearing a vintage Dior Homme suit jacket, shirt, and tie with a pin that had a mini-Karl on it. The pants, however, were by Tom Ford bear.
Anna Bear was wearing one Prada dress, because last week Karl Bear went over to Anna Bear's office and burnt all her clothes because they were demode.

"Your dress is so demode" said Karl Bear, clicking his camera at passing teenager Bears.
"Why am I in a children's book anyway, Karl Bear?" Anna Bear said, as she only has one child- Bee Bear- who lived in a closest.
"Because Anna Bear, I have declared that children's books are very chic"
"But Karl Bear, you say you hate children"
"This is a story for children like me. Children who wanted to be adult bears"
"Do you think there is anyone else like you?"
"No, hmm?"
"So you've got no market really"
"I consult with the bears daily" remarked Karl Bear, in that cool way that the more obese bears wished they could achieve.

One day Karl Bear went to a dinner. "This dinner is boring" announced Karl Bear, and the entire room applauded Karl Bear. Karl Bear got that warm fuzzy feeling one gets when one is adored by the rich and well heeled.
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This is all of the story you are getting, hmmm? You will get the complete version, not really suitable for normal children soon. It will be released in about a month. Well, you'll have to buy it. It may have pictures, hmm? Although I think perhaps I may have simply a different photo of me on each page, because I think this teaches children a valuable lesson.