Saturday, December 6, 2008

The continuing story of Karl Bear; a children's story

Once upon a time there was a bear in a far off land called "Earth" called Karl bear.
The time was right now, this instant, because Karl bear did not like the past, as he told journalists in his 18th century mansion. He only liked the "now", so the "time" in in the "once upon a time" is "now". Right now. Even thought this is written in past tense, it is still "now". As you read this book. The "now", hmm?
Karl bear hopes your hands have leather, fingerless gloves on them (Karl bear does not have any because bears have no fingers).

So anyway, one day Karl bear was out for a walk where he was mobbed by some démodé paparazzi. He said to them: You a very boring, go away." Karl does not like boring things. The paparazzi said, in unison because paparazzi are just grown-up choir boys: "Please sir, can we have a picture?"
"Oh fine, just one, hmm?" Karl bear said sternly, as he dreamt up a Chanel nose picker for the hairs in the noses of very démodé people.
Karl bear didn't really know why he was doing this, because a bear is not a person; although some person from PETA is very likely to say "bears are people too!", and with this he inhaled the irony of the previous few sentences most satisfyingly.

He continued his walk until he met Anna bear, who said:
"Karl darhling, some more cognac."
"You are drunk, mm?" said Karl bear.
"I'm just going to pick out the new cover for Vogue. We're do- doinggg, DOOinggggg, oooo, dooooinnnggggg."
"This is very boring, Anna. I know you're not really drunk and just pretending to in order to appear more human (as opposed to the near-anamorphic entity that you are)." Karl said.
Anna looked a little sad, and decided to fire someone as this always warmed her ice-cold heart.

"ANDRE YOU FRICKIN MORON YOU SAID 100% ALCHOL WOULD GET ME DRUNK"
Anna bear exclaimed, as Andre bear, a rather portly bear who looked like a certain blind soul singer when he had dark glasses on, came waddling out.
And then Anna glared at poor Andre bear as his stuffing was burnt.
"Oh, he is not poor, hmm?" Karl bear said somehow reading the book because he's that clever- "Andre is very démodé and boring"

Then Karl went off to a dinner that was being held by his friend Alber bear, a stylish but slightly plump bear.
"This is very boring." said Karl bear. "I do not eat".

So Karl bear decided to design another Chanel collection and teach his daughter, Jane bear, how to say "démodé" right. He felt an uncommon sense of pride when she got it right and was rather worried. It was scary- all these "emotions".
Then Yves bear came in through the door, looking adorably mopey in that way that attracted a thousand women to his clothes.
"Hello Karl."
"Hello Yves."
"I am sad."
"Ok."

"This story needs a moral, I think, hmmm?" said Karl bear.
"Hmmm" said everyone.
"Okay. How about don't wear traffic cones of your head when driving, hmm?"
"Very chic" said Alber.

5 comments:

sophia said...

Alber you are so chic and so are you karl

Vidal Wu said...

Ah, I thought KarlBear was going to rip dear YvesBear's stuffing out because he sabotaged the Chanel Pre-Fall?

Has YvesBear been forgiven?

Ms. Butterfly said...

And how many of the bears will be shipped to little boys and girls around the world, then you can get the credit instead of that other white haired guy. You know the one who says demode things like 'Ho, Ho'

Jeunesse said...

Uncle Karl, this is the kind of stories I should be reading to my Oh so fashionable daughter, Janelle, who'll someday grow up like your darling gorgeous daughter Jane. You should definitely have this published soon!

Karl Lagerfeld said...

Jeunesse, it might be published soon! I might do a whole line (like fashion, no?) of childrens stories. Making sure the next generation is chic, hmm?