Sunday, December 14, 2008

Starfish and Coffee

So, yesterday I went shopping.
One of the shops I wanted to go to- I won't mention it's name- was closed.
So I walked in anyway because I'm Karl. And then this hipster came up to me and tried to stop me.
He wore wayfarers. Not just any wayfarers, but coloured wayfarers. So I averted my gaze. He was repulsive. Looked like some "artist" type. I say artist in quotation marks, because I'd be willing to bet that this man had never created a piece of art in his life. He probably has business cards saying that he's an "artist", though. I can imagine them: "Hipster dude. Artist".

He said: "We're closed, brotha."
Yeah. He really said that. He really said "brotha" with the a at the end.
"I am not your brother" I said to hipster dude.
"Naw, it's just an expression dude"
"I am not a "dude" either, hmm? Do you know who I am?
"Oh. Um...no."
"I am Karl Lagerfeld. Allow me to bold that. I am Karl Lagerfeld."
"Oh. I think you've got an ego problem brotha"
"No. "Problem" implies that there's something wrong with me. I am very happy with having the largest ego in the world, hmm? Now move and allow me to continue browsing this shop."
"But it's closed, brotha."
"I AM NOT YOUR GODDAMNED BROTHER, OKAY, HMMM? I AM NEVER GOING TO BE THE BROTHER OF A HIPSTER DUDE LIKE YOU. YOU ARE VERY SMELLY."
"Dude, calm down..."
And then Anna came in and said "Oh Karl, I see that you don't really know how to finish this...do you?"
"No, I could go on and on and on. In fact here I'll put in a plug for the DEMODE t-shirt that I'm selling. It's to the right of you, you might have to scroll down a bit."
"Do you think we're getting a bit too meta for our audience?"
"Non, they're not stupid. Anyway Meta's very chic right now."
And then the shop exploded because of the series of absurd impossibilities that I had just gone through.
"Well. That was a pity", said an ex model who wandered into the room.
"Hey, hey, this could be one of those "Three people walk into a bar" jokes now."
"Hmm? Yes. There's three people here now, hmm?"

Three people walk into a bar:
They are an ex model, Anna Wintour (editor of Vogue), and Karl Lagerfeld (fashion designer, genius). Karl exclaims "wasn't this a shop a while ago?" and Rei says "no, it's now a bar. Because the "Three people walk into a bar joke" requires that.
And Anna says "now there's four people in the bar, including Rei.

Four people walk into a bar:
And then Rei says: "Wait, I just appeared here. I never walked into here. Can you imagine me walking? No! So it should be..."

Three people walk into a bar (and one person appears in it):
Karl says "I will have nothing because I don't eat", and Anna says "I don't eat either. I'm in fashion", the ex model says that she'll have Starfish and Coffee, making an incredibly unsubtle reference to Prince, and Rei doesn't say anything at all.
And the barman says that they don't have Starfish and Coffee in stock, but perhaps you'd like to have a Parrot?
Karl says "Oh, now we're getting into Monty Python territory. I think that's enough."

5 comments:

Lis said...

Karl, you're loosing it. I spy with my little eye.. a typo. Demode, hmm?

Karl Lagerfeld said...

Lis, wouldn't that be "losing"?

AFitz said...

You are amazing. Dude.

Tavi said...

That hipster is a fattie, hmmmm? Also someone commented on my blog, they think you're actually my uncle. I mean of course you are but how funny they caught on.

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