Thursday, December 18, 2008

Carols, part II

Just one carol today. I'm in Vermont with Tom and Katie. Yeah, that Tom and Katie; and my young protege Karoline. Tom and Katie are hilarious, of course. Oh! And they have some little baby. I wasn't really too keen on that idea. I mean, it's a bit like taking your pets on holiday, hmm? The baby's name is Suri or something. It's nice that all she wears is baby Chanel, but still...
It's not like she's my assistant designer or anything. She's just a BABY. And she doesn't do anything! She can't even sketch! I don't understand it. It's not like my child was ever a baby (I'm not admitting to it, anyway. Never).

Anyway. I'll just avoid Le Baby. You should see her. The way she stares at me. She's got something in for me, I tell you. And then she says "Mamma! Mamma!", which I'm convinced is a kind of swear word, because every time she does that Katie gets out some kind of crack for children. She calls it "Apple mash" or something. And then Le Baby makes some slurping sound, but I know that it's code for "Karl, you better watch your step".

Luckily there's a closet here. I'm hiding in here with Karoline for the meantime. Yohji's meant to arrive in his batplane any minute now.

Anyway, there's a little carol below for all of you to sing. And below that is my reply to Jeunesse, in brackets. It concerns fattie school teachers, and just may branch off into it's own post, in the furture!

The 12 days of Chic-mas.
(Yes, I know it doesn't follow the form strictly at all. And I don't care. I'm Karl. Also, this is not the Noel Coward one. Just insert an instrumental solo into it, hmm?)

On the first day of Chic-mas,
my true love muse sent to me,
a Chanel fishing rod

On the second day of Chic-mas,
Anna sent to me,
a fur coat made of vodka

On the third day of Chic-mas,
the fatties sent to me,
some vulgar gift from a celebrity brand

On the fourth day of Chic-mas
Jane sent to me,
a giant shoe shaped collar

On the fifth day of Chic-mas,
the fatties called again,
and I threw them on a grill

On the sixth day of Chic-mas,
Yves sent to me,
a letter, claiming he was dead

On the seventh day of Chic-mas,
Rei sent to me,
a polka dotted unicorn or three

On the eighth day of Chic-mas,
Tavi sent to me,
a spaceship to eliminate the demode

On the ninth day of Chic-mas,
Bob Dylan gave to me,
a lightbulb to keep a clear head

On the tenth day of Chic-mas,
The surviving demode offered to me,
some purses at half price (I threw up)

On the eleventh day of Chic-mas,
an ex model gave to me,
some cocaine and a pipe for thee

On the twelfth day of Chic-mas,
I gifted to me,
a house made in my own very likeness

(Jeunesse, how very horrible! You know, it warms my ice-cold heart to know that some children have the beginnings of chic-ness! Say hello to your daughter for me, and make sure you give the fattie teacher a portrait of me. In fact, give all the adults a picture of me! I'm sure they secretly fantasize about me, as all people do. It's just a fact, hmm?)


Alex (lexie) said...

ha ha Karl, you always make me laugh every time!

nellietheeccentric said...

classic, Karl- love it.

I made a 12 days of xmas, too.
Although you'll probably think it's demode :(

Mo said...

that apple amsh they give children is actually a type of liquor that keeps them from turning into animals, katie just gave it to le baby so you couldn't turn her into a chic chanel coat, Karl

Jeunesse said...

Of course, all breathing things do fantasize about you, Uncle Karl. Even plants fantasize about you. I told one of my assistants to make reprints of your picture to give away to those demode fatties, to be placed in sterling silver frames and wrapped in quilted paper with the words "Chic-mas" in gold..

I hate those ugly fatties. They put stickers at the back their demode rusty vehicles that says "Walmart" Thank goodness my chauffeur always have some quilted bags for me to puke on. Disgusting fatties. Sweaty even in winter. Ugh!

André said...

A fur coat made of vodka?
I thought you would prefer a tweed coat
made of Diet Coke.

- André (not the fatty from Vogue)

CultureCynic said...

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!!!! This bloody funny!!!!!!!!!

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