Sunday, November 30, 2008

In defence of being Gorgeous

I have my assistants print of my daughter Jane's blog every time it's updated. They then transcribe it into blood; but they're so fashion that their blood is multicoloured. Anyway, I see there's some fat demode bully making fun of her in the comments; talking about "poverty" and all these "terrorists".
So, I need to make 2 things clear:
The only terrorist is Anna. If you have ever had a shoe hurling at you at just below the speed of light, you'll know what I'm talking about, hmm? Why do you think Vogue is so bland? Terrorism.
Anna has not looked at a single issue in more than a decade. There's no need. Just hold a shoe up to a designer, and they'll do what you want (unless your name is Karl Lagerfeld). And....well, we just assume people buy the magazine. I suppose they do. I think those magazine stores have germs anyway, because the dirty people read through the magazines and then put them back on the stand, putting their eye-germs of demode-ness onto them by looking at them.

Secondly. Well, secondly I am not sure about this "poverty" thing, hmm? I think it's just a bit of a myth, like this recession. Really, this "poverty" is just an excuse for washed up rock stars to whine on about something, non? And an excuse for tossers like the person who commented on Jane's blog to be mean to her. (And by the way, Jane's family are not oil tycoons. I mean, it's obvious where this "wealth" the poor readers of the blog* refer to comes from. There's a big picture of me on the blog! It says "Dad". Is this not enough of a clue, hmmm? And let me tell you, I am not an oil tycoon.)
When they say "Make poverty history" they're really saying: "put poverty into the history books", which implies that this "poverty" is not important to be in the history books yet; as it is a made-up thing. Replace this with "make Marc Jacobs history" and you get the same idea: Marc Jacobs is not yet important enough to be in history. Because they want to make poverty history. It's no different than kings trying to re-write history, no?

Because I know that as I sit in my ivory tower (Italian ivory), that poverty is just a made up thing, as I blow my nose on my Hermes scarf and throw it out the top of the tower; which is so high that the tissue will in fact disintegrate, and turn into gold through a process of time and Fashion. Poverty is fake! Like, imagine if someone tried to pretend to be me. Like, Fake Karl or something, hmm? Poverty is that fake. Of course, the likelihood of someone pretending be me is close to nil; my lawyers would be on them like a snake in skinny jeans to a blonde in American Apparel.

Anyway, I was defending my daughter. She's just beautiful and gorgeous and stylish, yes? And people are going to try and tear her down. But what they forget to realize, is that she's got Ann Demeulemeester boots. Two of them. Not that she wears both pairs at once, because she does not have four legs. But those boots are combat boots and they can resist any sort of bullying, like from those PETA-lovin' people who comment on her blog; who complain about "Price". If you sell your house you can buy wonderful clothes too, hmmm? So it's not a big issue! Anyway, somebody's got to pay for my Hermes scarf-tissues. (There was a couple of good comments- somebody took the time out to defend my daughter; and for that I think I'll reward them with a knighthood or something. Are they Jane's brother? Lover? Mother? Sister? Friend? Surely, they are chic; as I am a defender of the chic and beautiful.)

Right. Anyway, we are chic; and ugly person who was mean to Jane is not, huh? Let them eat cake! It will make them fat!

*Le Skinny Jeans Society members, I suppose.


Ms. Butterfly said...

Oh Karl you just made me weep, weep for my non-existant bank account, weep for the lack of designer clothes hanging in my closet. Why Karl? Why must you put it in my face how unfortunate peons can be. WHY!!!!!

produit frais said...

I love your blog!
It's absolutely fabulous!

Sammy said...

Fantasic blog!
we are actually facebook friends now! ha
and i couldnt agree more, jane is soo beautiful and chic-screw who ever thinks differently

Sophia said...

Karl, you really need to get off Jane's dick. I'm not going to deny that the girl has an amazing wardrobe, but...
Your blog used to be so good; now every post is your comments on her most recent blog entry. Boring, and very unlike the real Karl.
Take this as constructive criticism, because the adoring public wants to see the blog like it used to be...

Anonymous said...

Sophia you are so demode.