Thursday, July 31, 2008

An Apology

Dear Readers,

I have not been totally honest with you.

I'm not really "fake" Karl at all.

I really am Karl.

With Love,
Karl

Mm. Hm? Next collection, please.

Diary of a fly

Oh, my little ones. I have been gone for a while- I am sorry. So sorry. Not really, but that's what you say in these situations, isn't it? I remember when I was "alive" I said that. Well actually people said that to me; but I was Yves.
Now I am dead, of course.

Anyway. Morocco! Or was it Monaco? I get mixed up with the places. There used to be a cartoon with "Morocco Mole" or someone in it. Maybe I could be "Morocco Mole". I could wear a fez.
I was definitely somewhere, anyway.

Karl is friends with a odd lady who always wears sunglasses and has a bob. She's an editor or something. Is she blind?

In other news:
Yves is in love!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Another demode list

Yeah. I dress well.
The list is still demode, hmmm?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

STOP IT.

Karl, stop tango-ing.

It is making me dizzy-

I NEED ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC IMMEDIATELY.

Miuccia, just go away.

Miuccia called today.

She said she has heard that I don't really like her.

She threatened to remove me from the guest list to her boring party for that giant Prada racing yacht her silly husband owns.

I don't care, really - yachts are demode. So tasteless. And the only people who show up to parties Miuccia throws are weird artists who set garbage on fire or Kirsten Dunst.

I might have an assistant punch Kirsten in the mouth, just so she will get that snaggletooth fixed. In that shoot we had where she was wearing that giant black tulle Galliano insanity, we spent $25,000 airbrushing that ugly thing away. I had to divert funds from the Closet renovation fund. I couldn't put in a planned 2,000-square-foot Louboutin archive. Needless to say, everyone who had anything to do with telling that ugly girl to look at the camera was fired immediately.

Anyway, Miuccia was very angry. I told her she needed to just take a vacation, stop stealing homeless people's clothing and cease digging through Versace's mid-80s archives. She hung up.

Whatever.

GET ME KARL IMMEDIATELY.

Karl and I spraypainted a giant double-C on her silly yacht anyway. Spraypainting things is so in, darlings. We are the new Banksy. Banksy is demode. So demode.

Karl thought about spraypainting Chanel logos on people without them knowing and then charging them $4,000 for it. I think it is genius. Very Warhol.

I must be off - I sent one of the assistants to buy a case of chrome spraypaint. Out Magazine is next on our list - that damn editor spilled champagne on my patent Louboutins at a party. He was wearing a cardigan. How horridly outre. I mean, his career is being gay and telling others how to be more gay. He should know better.

BRING THE CAR AROUND NOW - AND TELL THE DRIVER HE MAY NEED TO USE EVASIVE DRIVING TECHNIQUES ON THE WAY BACK.

Somebody tries to parody me

Somebody is making fun of me. Parodying me. Creating satire of me!
See here.
Disgusting.

Really, why does anybody want to satirize me? The website it is on...has all these ads on it. Ads are fine, but these are demode ads. There was a photo of an overweight model in a swimsuit for "American Apparel". Who is American Apparel and why do you hurt my eyes?
I do not speak like that, anyway, hmm? Goodness me, they portray me as...crazy. I am not crazy.

These....Fug people will be hearing from my lawyers.

But now I must tango.

Monday, July 28, 2008

English translation of the Brazilian interview

- What do you think of Brazil?
Nice boys.

- What's your favorite drink?
Goodness me, did you research me at all? I won't even answer that. Everybody knows the answer, hmm?

- What was the craziest thing you ever told an employee to do?
I asked an employee once to paint the Chanel logo on the inside of every Louis Vuitton bag made in China out of one of those sweatshops where they make them. But that is business as normal on planet Karl, hmmm?

- Is it true you have someone just to hold a tray for you at parties?
Do your research dear, research. I have someone to hold my Diet Coke, not a tray. Close, hmm?

-Anna is close friends with Miuccia. Don't you ever hang out?
I don't hang out with the homeless. It is demode. Anna just apologized to me about her previous friendship with that women.

- Yves died. You know, right?
You're obviously not in the loop. They're lies, all lies.

- Do you have any imaginary friends?
Yes. But they're not your friends. Maybe I will introduce you to them at a party sometime, hm?

- An easy guide to not be demode?
There is no easy guide to not be demode. The trick is, to look chic easily but that is very hard. Or you could be me.

- What's on your iPod?
Which one?

- How many sunglasses do you own?
5,212- at the moment. I got rid of a few from the 90s. I get rid of them every decade and start anew.

- Do you watch Gossip Girl?
You think I have time to watch TV??? I have the cast of Gossip Girl act it out in front of me whilst I work. Don't you?

- Describe a day in the life of Karl Lagerfeld.
That is what my blog is for, hmmm?

- Is it true you pay more attention to people Chanel-clad?
I pay attention to the chic people. More often than not it's those who wear Chanel....

- A perfect world would be...
Oh, isn't this world perfect hmm? A world without stupid people but not the demode, because we need to make fun of the demode.

Now I have to take photos of Brad!

Another Interview

Read about it here. It's in Brazilian, though.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Diet Coke is Such Fun

Hello Children!

I think Anna spiked my Diet Coke, because I do not feel the same. There's a tingling in Uncle Karl's pants and I feel the urge to dance. All the lights, the lights are so pretty, aren't they, children?

When I was just a little boy I used to sit at home with my 6 bikes and look at them and say to them: "You bikes, you are so lucky to have me as your owner! Do you know who I am? Why, I'm Uncle Karl Lagerfeld" even though I was only six.
Because children, I am a pretty important guy. I design clothes, and I bet you're wearing clothes, hmmm? Unless you are a nudist, or are naked. I am never naked. I shower in my suit. I bathe in my suit. Nobody sees me naked because I am Karl. (Everybody's seen Yves naked, hmm? What a whore).
No, all you see is me in my suit and ponytail and sunglasses. How dignified. Tres chic, no?

Some person had the guts to say to me "you know, Yves is dead, Karl". They are obviously not in the loop. Am I dead? Are you, my dear reader, dead? I hope not, because being dead is demode.

Oh yes, demode: It seems to have become the word to say around the fashion people. They say "oh, this is demode. oh, you are demode. oh, these clothes are demode. this tampon is demode".
Do any of them know what it means? For them it is another trend to buy into, like leggings and little plastic Prada sacks. Chanel really should manufacture some sacks. We could give them to homeless people, so when the Prada women comes a-knockin' to steal the homeless people's possessions, she sees the Chanel logo staring right at her face.

Actually, I have a right mind to ambush the Prada women and spraypaint her or something. Can you get edible spraypaint yet? Think of the calories one could induce on someone!

You models still aren't the right weight. Very disappointing. It is not hard. There is a book, called "The Karl Lagerfeld diet". Please buy it, and read it. Not eating is not hard. Just drink Diet Coke. Here, have some of mine you wretched girls. How do you live with yourselves, at the wrong weight??? Isn't it so demode?
(No question mark there. It is.)

These designers using- let's be frank- fat people- are just attention whores, hmmm? They're laughing at the fat people behind their backs. "hahahhaa, you demode fat people!"

Gosh, so many designers are so bad. At least Martin Margiela- at least he has class. There's few honourable people in fashion anymore, and I'm one of the last:
KARL LAGERFELD: the last gentleman of fashion.

Now Brad, I need to attend to him. I need to take photos of him.

MMM

Yesterday I stepped outside of the Chanel headquaters, and I could smell one thing:
Money.

But this money isn't like the normal money that Chanel-clad customers have. This money...it smelt of concrete...it smelt of Martin Margiela. Ah, he's back in town I thought to myself.

Let me tell you something about Martin: he is a bitter, bitter, bitter man who sits in a little room all day creating the ugliest garments imaginable, or worse than ugly: garments that look normal, would you believe. They are like what the normal people wear.

Why is he so bitter? Well, Martin is not his real name you see (he's really Parisian). Martin is really my age, that is, late-60s. And he studied with Yves and I in Paris, but wasn't very good. He was one of the countless masses that were trod on by the stunning genius of Yves and I. And over the years he grew bitter, and unlike most designers he did not steal the designs of Yves and I. Mostly me, because Yves liked to pretend designing was so hard. So he designed his own stuff. And it wasn't very good, sadly.

So he has been past the Chanel HQ. I wonder what he wants with me.
You can always smell him. Him and his concrete money. From Renzo "Avant Garde sells so well!" Rosso (I see he just brought that Dutch people. I guess it's like collecting Faberge eggs, hmm?)

I must go now. I'm taking photos of Brad, and this is important. More important than you. Because taking photos of Brad is a new form of photography.

(I think I have a new Muse, her name is Pamela. But she is not a bodyguard like Brad, hmm?)

Friday, July 25, 2008

Christian Siriano

Christian Siriano. Your clothes hurt my eyes. Please stop.
Maybe Chanel will have to buy Project Runway, and stop it producing more awful designers....designers that create litter.

The 80s.
The 80s!!!!!!!

It truly is traumatizing.Vampires don't wear those sort of clothes. I know.

Rei's actually here with Anna, and they both just vomited.Waltz like a bat Karl...waltz like a bat. It'll all be alright.

So demode.

I'm going to sketch. I think that Prada women is outside scavenging through my bins....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The day today

I'm sitting in Anna's office, drinking some diet Coke and whatnot. I spend a lot of time in her office these days. Have you noticed that there's a new programme, about people wanting to be assistants at Elle? The editor of Elle is made out to be some sort of Anna Wintour rip-off, and Anna is not very happy about this at all. Today we went with some Vogue stylists and spraypainted "MY COFFEE IS GETTING COLD" onto the office walls of this Anna upstart. And the Elle staff just let us march in there; I simply walked past the silly Prada clad receptionists and Anna asked them to polish their shoes. They did. Then we walked into the Anna-wannabe's office and the Anna-wannabe cowered in a corner whilst I said in my biggest voice:
"WE ARE MAKING YOUR OFFICE TRES CHIC!"

And then we threw out the furniture because it was not tres chic. Tut tut.

Then we went shopping because it's funny to watch the shop assistants run around saying "oh, very nice Anna. How many do you want?" "20". They're so funny.
Here's a tip for life: don't try so hard. Or else you'll end up working retail. (Chanel assistants excused, of course).

Does anyone have some vintage Yohji Yamamoto they can give me? Karl does not pay for these things. Yohji's latest show used old men, believe it or not. So obviously only vintage. I have the urge to dance the waltz like a bat. One needs Yohji's clothes to do such a thing. Chanel allows you to be a bird- a robot- a penguin- a pencil- a pipe organ- a telephone- a shoehorn; but not a bat.

So, dance like bats my children, because it is the chic thing to do!

(Oh, some of you want to email me. fakekarl@gmail.com (as the sidebar says))

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Interview with me

I did an interview with some people here. Read, and be chic about it.

Shiny Shiny

Anna has a stack of shiny boxes in her office, does anyone know what they're for?
She's also got a "Playstation 3" which I do know about. There's a game I did- Grand Theft Auto 4- that's on that, thing. Some people made it, but I did one of the radio stations. They gave me a "Playstation 3" too. I don't know how to work it so I put it with the Steinway piano I designed and haven't managed to give away as a gift yet. Do any of you creatures want it?

Today I went to see the little old French ladies who sew the Chanel clothes, and gave them some more sketches. Fashion is so easy these days, I must do more!

I am going to construct a building site, that is what I'm going to do. No building, just a building site. I love the smell.

All those pretty builders.

It'd be a perpetual building site, of course. They won't have to be building anything. There will just be the pretty builders...working. Carrying around wood and tools and such, hmm?
I'll take photos.

Yves has gone missing, by the way. Vanishing is so 90s.

Monday, July 21, 2008

What is this 'Jersey' you speak of?

I went to a party last night.

In this place called 'New Jersey.'

When my driver told me where we were going, I was intrigued.  Was it a new restaurant?  Perhaps an old warehouse-turned-art venue?  Maybe someone retrofitted that awful Rocco DiSpirito restaurant and made it not-so-demode?

It turns out that it is a whole state.  A state.

I only stayed for 6-and-a-half minutes.  I usually stay at functions for 15, but the crowd was unbearable.  They were comprised mostly of this 'hipster' type.  You know, the people who want to look like they never shower, do copious amounts of heroin and rummage through the bins at the Salv.. Slav.. Slavatinon Army?  I don't know how to say those words.  I just gagged a little.

Apparently they all live in this area of Brooklyn-

BRING ME A PELLEGRINO BEFORE I EXPEL MY FILET IN A VERY HORRIBLE WAY.  AND IF IT IS NOT ICE COLD, YOU WILL BE HUSTLING PRINT SYNTHETICS AT CASUAL CORNER BY TOMORROW MORNING.

Sorry, the word 'Brooklyn' gives me nausea.  But they all live in this area of Brooklyn called Williamsburg.  Which sounds delightfully old-Americana.  It reminds me of gin-and-tonics and early Ralph Lauren and Sperry topsiders.  But it turns out it is some sort of breeding ground for these 'hipsters.'  They prance around in their 'vintage' band shirts and ugly cheap sunglasses, talking about how they love horrible things like beer (What is that again?  Isn't it like a wheat smoothie?) and American Apparel.

BRING ME A GIN AND TONIC.  I AM SO NAUSEOUS I COULD FIRE ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW FOR EXISTING.

So, basically, I think we should carpet-bomb Williamsburg.  It would be simple, really.  I'll ask Donatella if her jet could be retro-fitted with rocket launchers or something.  She loves accessorizing - she'll probably have them gold-plated and put that horrible face on them.  God, that woman and Greek key.

I must leave you, adoring public - my assistant-in-charge-of-gin just informed me that we are out of Tanqueray.  It's going to be one of those days, I see.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Hello? Are you listening to me?

Karl threw my last computer (that's what they are called, right?) out of my office window last week, because he read something on some website (I still don't know what this means) somewhere and didn't like it.

PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I DO NOT HAVE A COPY OF VOGUE ITALIA AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

So I just bought a stack of new ones just in case.  They are so shiny and pretty all stacked in the corner...  I might call in Demarchelier just to take a photo of them.  (Don't tell Karl I think Patrick takes much better photos - Karl just follows around pretty male models and calls it a new photographic movement.)

I cleaned out the Closet today - which basically means I declared the entire thing demode and Karl and I drank a lot of Veuve and watched the interns shred everything.  Then we had a photoshoot.

Tom Ford came by this afternoon.  I really love that man, but he is just so...  gay.  I mean, he has his chest hair selectively tweezed by little Korean women.  And his eyebrows are perfect.  I think he is a robot.  A very very gay robot.  I mentioned that Karl was coming later, and he got weepy and started blubbering about how he 'just wanted Karl to like him' blah blah blah.  I gave him a bottle of Veuve and a Xanax and told him to leave immediately.

THIS COFFEE IS COLD.  FIX IT NOW.

I must leave you, adoring public.  Karl is coming and we have to hide the models.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

You fashion people

You fashion people. You have been linking to me I see.
Hilarious you say.

"Karl is so hilarious! He's my favorite blog".

Are you people doing drugs? What's so hilarious, may I ask?
Do you come onto this "blog" at night when you're drunk and skim through the words?

Do you read this while clinging onto your Chanel safety pin, hoping like hell that I will not disapprove of you?
Are you richer ones, are you quaking in your Chanel shoes?

Some people are calling this some sort of parody.
Satire they say. How bizarre.

Here I am- trying to disperse useful advice for living your life, and you think this is some sort of satire? You fashion people are crazier than I thought.

I better go read Hedi's novel. I sprayed it with my new perfume and now I can't read the words because the perfume is eating away at the pages. Like acid, hmmm?
So I'll have to send for another copy. And get someone to fix the perfume, I guess.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Stalkers and Prada

Yestderday I flew back to Paris to evade Rachel Zoe. She began throwing rocks at my window, and then started singing a love song. Very badly. Outside, attempting to play guitar.

Now I'm in my house in the closet having tea with Anna, and it appears I have another stalker: Victoria Beckham.

She's banging, banging on my door. Screaming in that little faux-British accent (I know she's British. But the British are simply more chic that her, hmmmm?): "KARL! KARL LET ME IN! I LOVE YOU NOT MARC!"

I shall have to do something about this. I'm telling an assistant to ring Marc but Marc isn't replying. Doesn't Victoria have a husband or something? She's demode- that's what Anna and I are saying over our tea and (Chanel stamped) biscuits.
Anna: Oh, she is so demode
Me: I know hmm?
Anna: Oh, I spoke to some interns the other day. For that magazine I do.
Me: Oh?
Anna: Hilarious. The bowing, Karl, the bowing.
Me: I hate interns. So demode.

I'm sorry- actually I'm not. But I have to go anyway since that horrible homeless Prada person is ringing. "She's intellectual" I hear the voice of the so-called fashion critics. No, she simply steals homeless people's clothes and clothes out of those bins that you put your old clothes into.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Rachel Zoe


I am going to be honest here: I did not know who Rachel Zoe is until I she started ringing me a month ago.
Stalker.

Example of messages:
"Hiii Karl. Just wondering if you want to have lunnnch today? Call me"
"Karl, Karl hun, I'm doing this this thing at Halston. Um, you wanna meeet up??"
"Karl. I love you. I just needed to say that. And that we should do a TV show together"
"Karl, I really do love you. Every night I bow down to you"
"Karl, are you a good kisser??"
"I know you want me as much as I want you- Karl baby"
"TV show? You never emailed me back? Love you ex-oh-ex-oh"
(Singing. Badly)"I---I loveeeeee yooouuu Karllll!"

And then it got worse last week when she found my apartment in New York and started tapping on the windows. Like, a quick tap and then she darts away. Her eyes, hmmm? Her eyes. They're like that of a model after I tell her she is not the right weight. They're wide open, like I poured coffee right into her eyes and bloodshot and just "rwwwaarrrr". Like animals.

Last night she threw a rock through my window. Where's Hedi? Where's my assistants!

Doesn't she know that rocks are so demode? She can have a free Chanel pin (even better than the safety pin, hmmmmmm?) if she goes away.
Doesn't she have any people? Can't they- go put her in a wardrobe somewhere?

I'm gay Rachel. And I don't like you anyway. I only go out with fashion people, hmmm?

Caption for picture: "Oooooh! I'm such a hippy! Ooh. And a freaky stalker. And I'm so demode"

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Conversation with a Kim

me: Hello. This is Karl here
2:13 PM I'm using Anna's computer (she's away doing something or somesuch). I think if I type into this little box here you can hear my messages?
2:14 PM Kim: Why hello! I thought I had missed you!
I messed up the timing for last evening's chat.
2:16 PM me: I ended up doing something else anyway, hmm? Ahh, the hardships of being a fashion god.
2:17 PM Kim: I expect you're busy working out he details of next spring's fashion line. So, will it be pirate-y or ninja-y? I won't tell a soul...
2:22 PM me: I think it will be about revolution, hmm?
2:24 PM Something is in the air, don't you think?
Well, you don't have to think dear- that is my job. That's the real role I have at Chanel
2:26 PM I'm a computer. I stopped being human years ago
2:27 PM being human is such a bore, hmm? Anyway, being human doesn't go well with fashion
2:28 PM Kim: And yet, you look so chic! Not automated at all. That Annie Liebowitz fashion spread in Vogue, the Alice in Wonderland one--you looked marvelous.
2:29 PM Really, I said to myself, "Self, who is that marvelous fellow there?" And it was Karl Lagerfeld. I have been a fan ever since.
me: you have been doing your research I see!
2:30 PM Kim: I came to fashion late: raised by wolves in the state of Idaho, you know.
And then I got a subscription to Vogue.
2:31 PM me: oh, Anna will be pleased
Kim: So, Karl, we all want to know: what inspires you?
2:32 PM me: Everything that is happening, hmm? The world. Jelly. Turbans.Katamari. It is important to be inspired by everything
something Yves could never do...
2:33 PM Kim: How is Yves? Enjoying his "demise", hanging out with Elvis and Gianni?
2:34 PM me: Even though he's dead, Yves still is a sad old sack
because he loves being sad, really.
2:36 PM being sad is what makes Yves happy!
Kim: ah, Yves. He'll be forever known as the man who put women in pants. What will you always be known for, tell me?
2:37 PM me: I've always thought it's hard for a man to judge himself. what do you think I will be remembered for?
2:38 PM Kim: Sleeves. No one can set in sleeve like you. It's poetry in peau-de-soie.
2:39 PM That should read "set in a sleeve"
2:40 PM Let's not forget how you single-handedly saved the house of Chanel...
me: the thing with Yves is, he only did one thing
I did many
Gucci, Louis Vuttion (ugh) wouldn't exist without me
because I created the new Chanel
2:41 PM It looks like Anna's back. I have to go- she's in one of her moods
too much drink I think (and at work too!)
Kim: Au revoir, then!
me: Au revoir

An Interview with me

The interviewer choose not to be identified. Her questions in bold. I know not too many non-famous people, hmmmm?

>what do you think think of american teen clothing stores such as abercrombie & fitch and hollister?
I have not heard of these stores, hmm? I asked my assistant who's typing these replies for me, and he said they sold watered down Chanel goods. I am not such a fan of this, hmmmm?

>what inspired you to go into fashion?
I couldn't really do anything else. It is not a love of fashion as such, but a hate of most other things. Fashion is more real than anything else, don't you think?

>what is your favorite color? animal? (i'd ask food, but you don't eat, of course.)
My favourite colour is Karl. I can get on with animals, but I don't like animals.

>why did you design for H&M?
Why not hmm? I had nothing else to do that day anyway. It was a free day and I hate free days- it was that day where they celebrate fatties with all the food and presents. On the Coca-Cola bottles there is a fat man in a red suit. That day- you know the one?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Not demode at all, hmmm?


Hedi and Karl 4eva.
<3

Monday, July 14, 2008

Things that are not demode

So I'm listening to my #512 ipod (nano, touch-screen. Hasn't been released yet. It's made of perl. One really big one) and Thelonious Monk comes on. And I think to myself, "ahhh Karl, here is a man who is very hip, very with it, very in mode". So I tell my assistant to ring this Thelonious person up and bring him over here. Mr. Thelonious Monk is dead I'm told by my loyal assistant (who was then fired).
This is not good. Does anyone know anything about this?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Oh, and I also hate...


And I also hate the fashion community at large. The people at the top, you're nice- Anna, me, Yves........a few others. But boy oh boy, I do find the rest of you demode. You're too fat. The bulimics are too thin. Why can't you be the right weight, goddamit??!

Pictured: "ooh look at us. we are demode! we are so demode! look at us in our demode-ness! look at our stuuuupid non-Karl Lagerfeld designed outfits!"

The so called "indies"

I hate you indie designers. You're a bunch of wankers, hmmm? There is no "indie" there is designers and non-designers. Simple, no? Labelling yourself "indie" is pretentious and it makes what is left of my blood boil. Gah.
(Need another Coke- going to a party of Anna's. Mariah "photoshop" Carey's going to be there).

Calling yourself "indie" is so demode.

You are winner!

I got an email saying I won one million British pounds, from a Dr. Pinkett.

I wrote this email back: (well, I dictated).

"Dear Dr. Pinkett,

My name is Karl Lagerfeld and I live in France. I design for Chanel, have you heard of it?
I'm not going to give out my addresses because I am clearly rich enough, hmmm? I suggest you send your money to the poor people at Louis Vuitton making those awful handbags....maybe give Tom Ford some money to buy (vintage of course) Dior Homme.

Please write your "letters" properly. As in "Dear Mr. Lagerfeld" (you don' know me, so you may not call me "Karl" unless by some fluke you happen to be a cousin of my mothers, in which case you should be dead, hmm?)
Paragraph them.
Sign your letters "With respect, Oh ruler of us all"
Then your name I suppose.

Anyway, I think British money is demode, hmmm? Is that why you are trying to get rid of it? Are you a man of style, such as me? No- you are not. Because if you were you'd know the right thing to do is to burn your money. Silly boy. It makes great firewood.


Good day to you
Karl Otto Lagerfeld
Designer,
Chane, Fendi, Karl Lagerfeld and numerous other projects"

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Rei does like her jokes


Rei (Comme des Garcons for the creatures who don't know) did a bag "with" LV. She thinks it's hilarious. So do I. Can't you just see the stupid people totting around with them!

How humane!

The Canadian (how utterly demode Canada is!) Vidal Wu is dead?

By a Louis Vuitton avalanche?

In the Jersey City Municipal Dump?

Slightly to the left of the last season's entire Cavalli collection?

That's news to me.  But I must add that is a very humane way to be kil- to accidentally die.

I have to go now - Gisele is throwing a fit in the Closet.


This is what happens when you badmouth Anna

Vidal Wu died in an unfortunate accident concerning 12 tonnes of Louis Vuitton bags being dummped...erm...in a dump someplace. What was he doing there? How sad. How very very sad. Actually, I think I'll go sketch a collection now.

Here's his last email. I'm sure if he were alive he'd write much nicer ones. He pretended to be an "old school" person, but it didn't work. Ha! Hahaha! How utterly demode.
Good morning Karl!

I am attempting to remain civil here, but even I know
that you have not slept since the 60's, so perhaps a
more appropriate greeting would be...

Buongiorno, Karl!

No, too Italian. Oompa-Loompas reside in Italy. Hence,
extremely demode. Perhaps even more so than Louis
Vuitton. At least they try.

I would like to adress your blog posts, because they
have amused me.

What is wrong with Tom Ford? He is a man practically
dripping in sex appeal, and he can back it up in the
bedroom. What's wrong with that?

In fact, you should ditch the Dior Homme.

Jil Sander.
Lanvin.
Prada. (Her latest collection was taken from the
trashcans of a Cambodian Burberry factory.)
Burberry.
and of course, Tom Ford.

To dearest Anna, the perennial - dare I say it? -
bitch of fashion, you may be bourgeoise, but we hate
and despise you all the same. That is the reaction you
were looking for, right?

Kitty has died in a horrible coke-funneling incident.
Let us have a moment of silence for her.

With all due respect, to Karl of course, and never to
Anna,

Sir Malcolm Donalbain

See? Old school, as opposed to exotique.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Hairdresser Vidal replies to my post

My replies are in the brackets.

"Good evening, Karl, darling!

(I'm not your darling, darling.)

I sniffed the carpet at Chanel, and it did not smell
like anything ive (Grammar, hmm?) ever had the pleasure to smell
before. Smelled like a combination of Chanel No. 5,
expensive leather, and spray-on tan. Someone has been
stalking you. (Yes, security told me as I was airballooning over Paris spraying Chanel logos onto the clouds. Mr. Armani is now....otherwise occupied).

And I believe that someone is completely entitled to
look like an oompa-loompa when he deigns it
appropriate. (I think that someone has a responsibility not to hurt people's eyesight, hmmmm?)

Italy is tres demode. (Can't agree more! They had good food back when I ate, though. But that was in the 60s).

In fact, I work for Tom Ford, the much sexier man of
fashion. And I serve as a sharheolder for Chanel and
Fendi as well. Hence, do not anger me.
(Do not mention that...man ever again. He is so demode that even the homeless people in Africa wheeling their shopping carts around can't stand him)
(And, no you are not. Lying is demode, hmmm? As is working for Tom Ford. Anyway, Chanel would die without me. You know why? Because I'm Karl and you're not).

Instead, bow down. I own you.
(Who do you think you are? Are you one of my fired assistants?)
And if you call me demode one more time, I shall send
my robotic Karl Lagerfeld robots to beat you senseless
with Louis Vuitton Speedy 25's in the Monogram Canvas
until Chanel logos fall from your powdered wig.
(Even looking at a LV bag hurts my eyes. However, you fail to note my super-hero powers. And Anna scratches).
With dearest love,

Vidal
(Vidal- you are demode. Even Chanel cannot save you! Best to wear a barrel).
P.S Tell Kitty I shall meet her after work."
(You'll find Kitty at my softdrink factory.)

Do you know who I am?

I am surprised this creature knows how to spell demode.

Karl forwarded my assistant-in-charge-of-Chanel this correspondence, if you could call it that.

I was lunching with Donatella (yes, Karl, she is plastic.) when said assistant brought me the email, wrapped in a fresh Hermés scarf (which is summarily burned).

Donatella proceeded to throw a bottle of Dom at the assistant and stood on a chair screaming for two hours.  We had to call in the police negotiator to get her down.  And by we, I mean the champagne-drenched assistant.  (She complained so much I fired her - she got a free champagne spa treatment from Donatella Versace!  The nerve.)

Anyway, the point of all of this is that this Vidal Wu person should change their name.  Exotic names are so demode.  It's all about the Germanic names now.  

And if you call me bourgeoisie once more,

you

will

cease

to

exist.

Now if you'll excuse me, the assistant-in-charge-of-the-Saarinen-sofa forgot to polish one-third of the chrome leg on the left side.  There is hell to pay.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Vidal (not the hairdresser) Writes

"Due to some insidious spam I received at the hands of
your legal department, I was cunningly led to your
blog, in which you shamelessly make dearest Anna and
Yves seem so bourgeoise.

Don't you know by now? It is Spring 2009, keep up
darling.

False representation is demode.
Courier font is extremely demode, but cannot be
helped.
Patent leather is demode.

Oh, the sins! Let me cry into my Versace tablecloth
and then proceed to wipe my ass with such
Africa-quality fabric. How that walking heap of
silicon ever rose to the status she holds today is
beyond me.

Have your Legal send me a link to your newest post. I
look forward - in an oddly perverse way - to seeing
how you shall respond to such madness."- Vidal Wu

Kitty-Kelly-Kaboose-Kalvin-Kabitha-Kabitha the Foruth, my director of emails, showed me this email. I would like to deny all allegations of my demode-ness. This Vidal person is demode. I bet they can't even afford the cheapest Chanel tablecloth, which I am writing this letter on right now. He(?) has to buy a Versace tablecloth. I didn't even know Versace still existed. What a farce the Italian designers are: one sprayed to the bone with fake tan, the other filled up with some sort of plastic. Is it like Lego plastic?
Now I like Anna a lot. And Yves! I bet this Vidal "Not the hairdresser" Wu works for Louis Vuitton. Or one of the other companies (I won't call them "houses") who have been trying to steal my designs.

To show you just how demode this Vidal person is, I didn't even print out his email on Chanel paper. No, I printed it out on this weird stuff that's really thin and is called "Computer Paper". I don't even think "Computer Paper" is a fashion house!

So let uncle Karl give you some advice, Dear but Demode reader Vidal: go into the nearest Chanel store, and just sit on the floor and breath. That's it. Absorb all the Chanel goodness that is present in the air. Just breath it in. Doesn't that feel better? Now that'll be $2000. And why don't you buy a t-shirt whilst you're at it.


Things that are Demode

I just read Anna's post. Actually, I had it printed out then sent to Paris for the double C for Chanel labelling then sent back here. Pretty amazing what you can do these days, hmm?
I would just like to say: why wasn't I in the Devil Wears Prada?

I don't mean me but a person representing me, like that little actress representing Anna. She was too human. I bet there was blood flowing under her skin, even. But no- no Karl in this movie. I was excluded from Robert Altman's fashion movie as well.

So those movies are demode. Demode demode demode.

How can you have a fashion movie without Karl Lagerfeld anyway?

By the way, I am wearing my Dior Homme shoes made especially for me out of unicorn skin. (Take that PETA). I bet they're better than Anna's. Though I did send her some Fendi shoes made out of fur.

I bet my brand new Dior Homme collection that they're better than Anna's. (Which is a bit like betting a dead cat or a LV bag, or Armani's tanning product).

I do have an idea for a movie about me though. It will be the tale of a young boy growing up in a Castle in Germany. Like Hannibal Lecter apart from it's better. If you know who Hannibal is you probably have bad taste and are therefor demode anyway, hmm? I was subjected to listening to some creature who works at a certain non-Vogue magazine talking about him.

Hello everyone.

This is Anna.

Yes, that Anna.

Why aren't you bowing?



That's better.

One of my assistants found this damn blog, and before I fired her for using the internet in my presence, she showed me that Karl talks about me all the time.  So I had an assistant fly him to New York to have a little chat.  We decided it would be best if I joined this little experiment.  Obviously, I don't touch computers.  Computers are demode, as Karl likes to say.  I just dictate to one of the more dowdy assistants and they type it up.

I must leave now, as Armani left fake tan marks all over my office and I'm just throwing everything out and starting over.  And when I say that, I mean I have having my assistants do all of that while I go have dinner with Jean-Georges at some new restaurant of his.

And I must remember to tell someone to have the couriers pick up some more Diet Coke for Karl.  One of the assistants (now fired, obviously) spilled some on his suit and he had his assistant throw the rest of the case out the window.

You can leave now.

I mean, NOW.

And those shoes are hideous.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

A Poem by Yves Saint Laurent

Being an artist is so hard.
So very very hard.
Like Proust, I struggle on.
Like Bach, I suffer for my art.
Like Beethoven, I put art before self.
Like Jesus, I suffer for mankind.
Like God, I love my work.
Being an artist is so hard.

By Yves Saint Laurent
(I suffered for this poem, too)

.

Sometimes I take photos.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Karlism

This model walked up to me today, as I was investigating the asphalt. The texture's great. I had some of the asphalt dug up and sent to the little old ladies who do the sewing at Chanel.
Anyway, she was like "KARL, I HATE YOU. YOU SHOULD GIVE MORE MONEY TO THE WORKERS". I swear she talked in capitals. And I said to this model "You are a model. You are not paid to talk. Now hurry along, then".
Then she says "FUCK OFF YOU CONDESCENDING PRICK. THE WORKERS ARE EQUAL TO YOU". And I say "dear, the other Karl died a long time ago. He is demode. Being human is demode. Equality is demode."
And she says "OH, IT WOULD BE FOR YOU BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MCDONALD'S WORKERS???!!"
"What about them?"
"THEY'RE NOT PAID ENOUGH"
"Oh. Well McDonald's is demode anyway"
"WHAT ABOUT YOUR SEAMSTRESSES"
"They live in mansions girl. They don't need any more money"
"WHAT ABOUT-"
"Money is demode anyway. And so is that horrible jacket that you're wearing"
"IT'S CHANEL"
"Ah, but not this seasons"

She sulked away then. I have a friend who has those crazy opinions- Natalie. But at least she's intelligent. If you're going to have those opinions you should be able to back them up. But Natalie my muse. She can wear my collars anyday, hmmm?

Now I do the work on like 200 people anyway. Because I do so much. Which is why I'm entitled to so much money. You- the reader- wouldn't be reading this blog if I didn't write it. That's how important I am. I'm like the elf of fashion. A wave here, a wag of my wand here and we have 50 collections. But not really an elf- lets say King Elf. Or Prince Elf. Or King Prince God Elf. Or Prince-God. Or Super-Prince-God. Or even Karl Lagerfeld.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Interview with Nicholas


me: Yves is lazy, says he wants to do something, then doesn't do it.Quell'horror! So, I shall do a 20 minute interview with you now, hmm?
6:13 PM nicholas: perfect
6:15 PM me: Well then. What do you think of the current state of the tea-in-the-closet industry these days? I think we did it more when I was younger...
nicholas: i do it all the time.
it is relaxing
sometimes i teleconference from there
6:16 PM there are not nice closets in china
this needs to be fixed.
6:17 PM me: I was speaking to Yohji the other day, he did a show there a while ago, he had the exact same problem!
6:18 PM nicholas: small communist wardrobes.
me: There he was, trying to hold a traditional Japanese tea in this horrible closet that Mao person used
6:20 PM Mao was bizzare anyway....Yves met him once. Said he was very bourgeoise.
nicholas: You can buy busts of him everywhere
we found rubber ones today - not quite sure why they made rubber ones.... not very attractive.
6:21 PM he has such an odd haircut.
and such terrible jackets.
a la armani 1982
me: oh god...Armani
that man scares me
his TAN.
6:22 PM nicholas: he must shower in tanning spray.
6:23 PM his face lift is also somewhat frightening.
me: He does not design anyway these days, hmm? I'm convinced he simply changes the colors or something
6:24 PM nicholas: i think he must have a beige colorwheel in his office that he spins and whatever it lands on, he just changes last season to the new beige
the phone he designed is terrrrrrible
it's a beige square.
6:25 PM me: He designed a phone?
See, I just don't bother keeping in the Italian fashion circle anymore
6:26 PM the only interesting person is that Prada lady, but her clothes look like they're taken from the backs of homeless people
nicholas: (that's how she does it - and why she's so rich)
6:27 PM me: actually she's one of the few that doesn't steal my designs, so she probably does steal them off homeless people
(exactly, hmm?(
nicholas: because she can just buy yachts instead of material
me: but she is witty at least. You need t be somewhat intelligent to fool people like that
6:28 PM nicholas: very true.
6:29 PM she also has an attitude that is very funny....
she's very interesting
6:30 PM me: mm. I like that. People are afraid to be interesting, hmm?
if I say "I am going to bath in vintage wine!" people just look at me as if I'm crazy or something
6:31 PM nicholas: that's what happened when i said i wanted to buy a mao statue and paint it metallic silver
it would be so warhol
6:32 PM me: Andy was great
6:33 PM anyway, I have another event to get going to
6:34 PM we can finish this sometime later, hmm? Maybe even tonight (another dinner with one of those rich French people. I'm going to see if I can get away with taking their bed)
nicholas: do it - i will be here
toiling for the chinese people
sans closet
me: lovely. as long as you have Dior Homme, you can be strong!
Dior Homme is strength!
6:35 PM (but the new designer- Kris whoever is an idiot. I don't like him)
(but more on that later)
au wiedersehen
me: Hello again! The dinner went very late last nigh
nicholas: did you manage to take the bed?
me: I did! I don't really know what to do with it now, though....
6:18 PM it's just sitting in the middle of my dining room
nicholas: you should pile it full of models and throw a party
and perhaps paint little chanel logos on them
6:19 PM me: I think I'll do both
the Chanel show's soon, I think people will be entertained
6:20 PM I'm already bored of it. Time to start design a new collection, hmm?
nicholas: exactly.
6:21 PM i am filing photos of pretty things into various folders on my laptop
which i will probably just end up deleting
me: that's what I do in life
6:22 PM it's a good waste of time, non?
nicholas: it's fantastic.
and you look quite busy.
6:23 PM me: indeed
oh, did you see the Dior Homme show?
nicholas: i did.
6:24 PM kris van assche is odd.
adorable.
but some of those pants...
me: I miss Hedi's clothes, to be honest
I like to say "I am in the now, I never wear last season"
nicholas: i miss the stick-thin-jet-black-ness of hedi's work
6:25 PM me: but right now I'm wearing a vintage Dior Homme suit
nicholas: i have had some chinese people clean my shoes
i am wearing them now, as it isn't as muddy as usual
6:26 PM me: how much do people cost these days?
maybe I should install a few shoe cleaners in Chanel stores
nicholas: in china, they are very inexpensive
but often they spit.
6:27 PM me: hm. have you noticed how the shop assistants never do anything?
6:28 PM they've almost made it a skill
maybe they could be the shoe cleaners
nicholas: they are pretty though.
6:29 PM me: are they? I never see their faces..
6:30 PM they all bow down to me
nicholas: as they should.
me: indeed. But it is good to know they are pretty.
6:32 PM nicholas: the girls are my favorite - they just sigh at you
so chic
me: I'm not really sure what I should interview you about. Maybe I'll just post these convos on the blog
6:33 PM but of course
even the Chanel bagpipes are chic
(we only made 5. there's a reson for that)
although, the Dior Homme show wasn't that bad
it just wasn't that good
6:34 PM nicholas: exactly.
6:35 PM me: so, what are you doing in China anyway?
6:36 PM nicholas: pretending to work at an architecture firm
quite taxing
6:37 PM i am doing a lot of graphic design
and shopping
6:38 PM me: oh lovely
I pretend to work at Chanel all the time
6:39 PM I go into my office, roll around on the chair
in fact I have races with Hedi (he doesn't do anything else these days) and Yves
even Anna once, when she was drunk
6:40 PM they think it's part of my "creative process"
6:41 PM nicholas: hhaha
exactly
i send my secretary to buy me chinese magazines
which i then have translated
while i wander around the office and steal office supplies
6:42 PM me: I miss being able to do it
I did that at Chloé, and I still have a drawer full of pens and such
6:43 PM but at Chanel I kind of own the place
I mean, there's those two brothers
but they don't count, hmm?
I'm not even sure if they're alive anymore
6:44 PM nicholas: hahah
me: does anyone know?
nicholas: no, noone knows anything.
6:45 PM that's why we have to tell them everything.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

So.

I was trying to make $900 t-shirts in CafePress, but my assisant said it wouldn't let me.
So sadly, you people will have to make do with one t-shirt for a mere $400. The others are priced at a special African-Poverty rate of like $24. Cheaper than....um. Pretty cheap anyway, hmm?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

And Meanwhile

I'm eating at Anna's hotel room. God, I hate the smell of food. It's almost as bad as eating it. So I'm not really eating, but you know what I mean. Other people are. Well. Other people, being one person. And he's fat, hmm? The others- a bunch of models, editors and such are all hunched up like they're those poor African children who for some reason aren't modelling (they'd be perfect, wouldn't they?).

Amy Winehouse is knocking on the door- can someone get rid of her? She is so demode. So so so demode. It burns my skin. It burns my powdered hair. So hot.

"Abywhajwaya"
"Amy, you are demode dear. Bye"
"HAVEJDISODFCKJDLO!"
"I can't hear you!"
"JFOjflFLKHLFH"
"demode demode demode!"

And now it's turned into a sort of dance with Anna and Plum and the Italian who makes clothes dancing around in a circle, going "demode demode deeemode", "demode demode deemodde".

"Gosh, I hate the demode" says Anna.
"Isn't beige a great color?" says the Italian who makes clothes.
"What does demode mean Anna?"
"Armani"
"I will withdraw advertising from your magazine if you say that again, Anna" says the Italian who makes clothes. "
"Nobody buys my t-shirts", I say
"Do you want me to buy them, Karl dahrling?" (you can guess who)
"Oh, okay. Lovely, hmm?"
"How much are they"
"$900 each"
"Since when were you selling that cheap, Karl?"
"....H&M"
"I never did H&M!" says the Italian gleefully.
"I wonder why" I say.

Dear Readers

Dear Loyal Followers,

(Please) get more people to read my blog. Tie them to the chair if you have to. Give them free clothes, or something. I find wearing a high collar and dark sunglasses helps getting people to do those things. I literally have 5 models tied to chairs in this office right now. (Don't worry, they didn't model for Chanel- wonder where Aggy was in the show today? Now you know!). Maybe you should powder your hair.

Anyway. More people should read this. Or else.

Oh, yeah

By the way, the Chanel day was today. Nothing to say about it. Time to design next collection!
(Oh, and Anna brought the entire collection. She always does. She buys everything.)