Catching a Tiger by the toe for beginners

Well, Peta and all of the rest of them- the vegans, the fake vegans, the fake fake vegans, the Mormons, etc, have been getting on my back about the use of fur. Actually, they've always been getting on my back about the use of fur, but today I decided that I had enough of it. I decided to come up with an Ethical Solution (TM).

I began by ringing up John Q Lightening, the famous explorer (unfortunately his name has led to him being cast in a few B movies, none of which I recommend you watch.)
He's an explorer of the old school- he wears khaki and carries a saber, whilst wearing one of those peculiar white hats.
"John," I said to him, "would you mind going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger?"
"It's what I do!" he said.
"Wonderful! Make sure you're in mortal danger!"
Of course, John Q is a very good explorer, so he made sure he got in mortal danger. He was genuinely attacked by a tiger. It almost killed him (but like a good explorer, he didn't die. He fought the tiger and won, killing it in combat.)
Since he killed it in combat, and since the tiger was going to kill him, I figured it was okay to use the tiger skin for clothes! It's incredibly ethical, since John Q had no choice, he was attacked.

So this is the strategy we here at Fendi and Chanel are perusing. We hire explorers to go out and get in mortal danger. It's rather hard to get in mortal danger with a Mink, of course, but if we hire- say- children explorers, or ant explorers or something. It's all perfectly ethical.

By the way (unrelated to all this), Laurelle Gilbert at Elle needs to learn how to write sentences in English. She writes "Karl Lagerfeld is like to keep busy." What on Earth does this mean? I expect articles about me to be written with perfect English. Perhaps the writer should try learning another language, hm?

The day today

I'm sitting in Anna's office, drinking some diet Coke and whatnot. I spend a lot of time in her office these days. Have you noticed that there's a new programme, about people wanting to be assistants at Elle? The editor of Elle is made out to be some sort of Anna Wintour rip-off, and Anna is not very happy about this at all. Today we went with some Vogue stylists and spraypainted "MY COFFEE IS GETTING COLD" onto the office walls of this Anna upstart. And the Elle staff just let us march in there; I simply walked past the silly Prada clad receptionists and Anna asked them to polish their shoes. They did. Then we walked into the Anna-wannabe's office and the Anna-wannabe cowered in a corner whilst I said in my biggest voice:
"WE ARE MAKING YOUR OFFICE TRES CHIC!"

And then we threw out the furniture because it was not tres chic. Tut tut.

Then we went shopping because it's funny to watch the shop assistants run around saying "oh, very nice Anna. How many do you want?" "20". They're so funny.
Here's a tip for life: don't try so hard. Or else you'll end up working retail. (Chanel assistants excused, of course).

Does anyone have some vintage Yohji Yamamoto they can give me? Karl does not pay for these things. Yohji's latest show used old men, believe it or not. So obviously only vintage. I have the urge to dance the waltz like a bat. One needs Yohji's clothes to do such a thing. Chanel allows you to be a bird- a robot- a penguin- a pencil- a pipe organ- a telephone- a shoehorn; but not a bat.

So, dance like bats my children, because it is the chic thing to do!

(Oh, some of you want to email me. fakekarl@gmail.com (as the sidebar says))