Thursday, July 30, 2009

Catching a Tiger by the toe for beginners

Well, Peta and all of the rest of them- the vegans, the fake vegans, the fake fake vegans, the Mormons, etc, have been getting on my back about the use of fur. Actually, they've always been getting on my back about the use of fur, but today I decided that I had enough of it. I decided to come up with an Ethical Solution (TM).

I began by ringing up John Q Lightening, the famous explorer (unfortunately his name has led to him being cast in a few B movies, none of which I recommend you watch.)
He's an explorer of the old school- he wears khaki and carries a saber, whilst wearing one of those peculiar white hats.
"John," I said to him, "would you mind going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger?"
"It's what I do!" he said.
"Wonderful! Make sure you're in mortal danger!"
Of course, John Q is a very good explorer, so he made sure he got in mortal danger. He was genuinely attacked by a tiger. It almost killed him (but like a good explorer, he didn't die. He fought the tiger and won, killing it in combat.)
Since he killed it in combat, and since the tiger was going to kill him, I figured it was okay to use the tiger skin for clothes! It's incredibly ethical, since John Q had no choice, he was attacked.

So this is the strategy we here at Fendi and Chanel are perusing. We hire explorers to go out and get in mortal danger. It's rather hard to get in mortal danger with a Mink, of course, but if we hire- say- children explorers, or ant explorers or something. It's all perfectly ethical.

By the way (unrelated to all this), Laurelle Gilbert at Elle needs to learn how to write sentences in English. She writes "Karl Lagerfeld is like to keep busy." What on Earth does this mean? I expect articles about me to be written with perfect English. Perhaps the writer should try learning another language, hm?


K said...

Hillarious- Loved this!More explorers in the future please- i know you know a few! Bwahaha!

arkasha said...


Chelsea Rae said...

I'm officially volunteering my first born to this cause. Babies are so demode anyway.

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