Saturday, July 18, 2009

Spring Cleaning (A FAQ of sorts)

Though my assistant Jean assures me that it is not Spring at the moment, I'll ignore him. It's Spring tonight. Anyway- I was looking through a printout- on quilted paper, of course- of search terms used to find my "blog." Some of them are particularly amusing. I am not a compulsive list maker, but I made a list. It's a FAQ of sorts. By the way, there was about two million search terms asking if my daughter is my daughter. I won't dignify them with an answer:

1. "Jane Lagerfeld."
I am afraid that my daughter's name is "Jane Aldridge", not "Jane Lagerfeld." Actually- she was recently featured with her mother in that magazine of Anna's recently. I'm quite proud of her. Anna's trying to make friends with Jane, because Anna thinks she is "cool" and "hip"- she's been looking up this "David Lynch" trying to work out who he is. It's vaguely cute, in a middle-aged way.

2. "Karl Lagerfeld no glasses."
You abomination. It's sheer blasphemy to want to see me without my sunglasses! What sort of sicko would want to do something like this?

3. "Anna Wintour Lesbian."
My Coco. How many sickos and weirdos read this blog? I can already imagine them- their fantasies of I, Karl Lagerfeld with my glasses off and Anna making out with Cathy "Ohio" Horyn in a bikini. Sick.

4. "Juicy Couture Ghetto"
Go away from my blog, please.

5. "Women making love."
You know, I used to think that gay men read this blog, but I'm more and more convinced that 90% of my readership are actually lesbians.

6. "Diane Pernet is creepy."
Not nearly as creepy as you, you lesbian-glasses-off-Juicy-Couture-Ghetto-creep.

7. "Don't mess with a feminist."
Well now. Who said I wasn't a feminist? Is this a threat, hmm? Chanel can track you on the internet, you know. I have lawyers. Lawyers carry guns these days.

8. "Does Karl Lagerfeld speak English."
No.

9. "Does Karl Lagerfeld fear someone else can design better than him."
No.

10. "Every woman I couldn't love."
Maybe you're gay, hm?

11. "Hannibal Karl Lagerfeld."
Why hello there, Clarice.

12. "How to make love with the girl of my uncle."|
That, my dear, would be called inscest and is frowned upon in most parts of the world.

13. "Is Anna Wintour a lesbian."
See above.

14. "My heart still yearns for your letters."
Get over it. It was in the past. Move on. The past is for losers.

15. "Why can't I show affection."
Maybe you're a sociopath!

11 comments:

gilda said...

i died. that's hilarious!!! it's been a while since i checked on my statistics, but each time, the search terms get weirder and weirder. i'm still glad my number1 search term is still "queen gilda" though. phew. nothing incest-ish.

gilda said...

oh.

and nothing to do with juicy couture either, thank god.

Contact GlamMan said...

HILAR! Getting to know you... Getting to know all about you... My answers to "Karl who?" are finally answered. LOVE. You go girl!

Tavi said...

haaaaaaa
wasn't there one in the email you sent me that was like, "I hate myself and I want to die" ? hahah

Tavi said...

also, YOU GOTTA MOVE AWAY FROM THE PAST, MAN.

jamie clare said...

dearest karl -

how do you feel about elie saab totally ripping off your all-white couture show for fall 09?

i predict a most epic smackdown of sorts.

stacey kelly said...

haaaha no.6 is most unfortunate.

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Elizabeth J. Neal said...

You abomination. It's sheer blasphemy to want to see me without my sunglasses! What sort of sicko would want to do something like this? commercial cleaning services melbourne

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