The Best Damn Magazine Ever

I've been getting a lot of whiny letters from a lot of you lately complaining about Vogue magazine. American Vogue. AKA Anna's magazine.
I go out to my mailbox, everyday (yes, I personally check my mail), and there's a bunch of letters- maybe 20 of them- all complaining about Vogue.
"What is this shit?" you tell me. "Why is it so demode?", "Why is it not cutting edge???"

First of all, I don't know why the hell you're sending letters to me anyway. Do I look like Vogue magazine, hmm? Am I even an employee there? Are the Conde Nast head offices located at my little house? Did they relocate?
I'm not too interested in your letters, and most of you are boring. I know I'm a genius, I know I'm the best designer in the world-even-better-than-your-friend-who-goes-to-Fashion-School.
Tell me something I don't know, hmm? Be interesting, for a change. Stop being little snivelling toady tools who wouldn't know an insult from a Margiela boot.

I have a theory to why you lot hate American Vogue: The Best Damn Magazine Ever. You hate it because it's too good!

Month after month, Anna faithfully produces the greatest magazine ever created. I don't know how she does it! Fantastic issue after fantastic issue- each one better than the last!
What I'm proposing is that Vogue has gotten so good that you ungrateful little sods can't handle it anymore. It's gotten to this point where it blows your mind- like a child on a swing that's swung right over it, onto the next level. It's like that swing in that most people aren't aware that it's swung right over the top- they didn't see it; so how do they know? They simply believe what the newspapers tell them. What their bitchy little friends who can afford one Miu Miu shoe but not two, tell them.

The amount of depth that goes into the photographs is simply spectacular. Yet in your letters you write "Every month Vogue is the same! It's just people jumping! Jumping! Jumping!"
Again, why do I care about this? I am not your father. I am not your sweet, rosy cheeked mother. Yet you insist on sending me letters. I don't do prayers, hmm?

So, please, stop whining about Vogue. Actually- take out the please there. It just makes you seem very childish, hmm? I mean- has American Vogue caused any deaths?
-No?! Goodness me. And let's look at Paris Vogue- how many deaths-related-to-bludgeoning-with-fashion-magazine has it caused, hmmm?
-100% of deaths-related-to-bludgeoning-with-fashion-magazine?! Goodness me. That's quite a few. So not only is American Vogue better, it is safer too!