Interview

This was an interview I recently did for Scanlan's Monthly, reprinted here.

1. What would you call yourself, a poet or a singer, or do you think that you write poems and then you put music to it?

Of course everything is erotic to me; if it isn't erotic, it isn't interesting.

2. Do you know any Swedes?

How should I know? In any case, one must not be serious. Not only is it absurd, but a serious person cannot have sex.

3. Does the large amount of money you get now mean much to you?

Certainly not! I think that any artistic product must stand or fall on what's there. A chimpanzee can do an abstract painting, if it's good, that's great.

4. How are your friends?

Very religious. Very. But now she is crazy. She lay on top of me when I was tied to the bed. She writes me all the time begging me to return. Why must we speak of my mother?

5. You've said you think message songs are vulgar. Why?

Make love to the police. We need highly trained squads of lovemakers to go everywhere and make love.

6. Do you think Lincoln wore his hair long to keep his head warm?

Many dirty hands have fondled beauty, made it their banner; I'd like to chop off those hands, because I do believe in that banner . . . the difference is that art is beauty, which the Beatniks naturally lack, hm?

7. do you find that people who call you a genius have any influence on your writing?
No, I don't, but that's not my wish. That's Merce's wish because he's involved with a large company of dancers and a school, so if his name were in the phone book, it would be awful. Anyway, people find out what your number is whether it's in the book or not.

8. If a young man considering a career in the arts wanted to meet a lot of women, would he be better off learning to paint or to play guitar?

That's the trouble, of course, for any individual. There is the rest of society and the rest of history. I think we have to take that circumstance as the means upon which we work to help us discover the nature of the next step, rather than taking it as something to lament. That's what my father would have done.

9. Can't dreams also mean hopes about the future?

Now, it's those two things: the cockroaches on the one hand, and the mosquitoes on the other that brought about, didn't they? The DDT?

10. Who's that playing with you here?

He was a student of Bonnie Bird. Yes. And he was absolutely remarkable. In fact when Martha Graham saw him, she took him immediately in her company. He was a creature of the air. And no one knew it at the time that he would come down to earth as he has in recent years. (laughs) He's been forced down to the earth, but he refuses to stop dancing. I'm sure he'll dance the day he dies.

11. What's your take on politics?

Well, I think this is why Buddhism is so important to so many people now, is that the -- One of the principles of Buddhist philosophy is that everything causes everything else, and that there is nothing that is not caused by everything else, and that each thing is at the center of the universe, and these centers are in interpenetration and non-obstruction

12. Like a locomotive, a pair of boots, a kiss or the rain?

People ask what the avant-garde is and whether it's finished. It isn't. There will always be one. The avantgarde is flexibility of mind. And it follows like day, the night from not falling prey to government and education. Without the avant-garde nothing would get invented. If your head is in the clouds, keep your feet on the ground. If your feet are on the ground, keep your head in the clouds.

Interview

Whilst I've been elsewhere lately, I have done one interview over at Bonnie and Clyde. You can read it here.

A Terribly Verbose Interview

This is the full text of an interview I gave a while ago, but it seems the magazine never launched. I posted a couple of my answers here a bit back- here's all of it, in its full, monstrous entirety. I think long things are important- especially long pieces of writing. It seems recently people have became more and more ADHD and can barely read a 200 word post. It's terrible. It's foolish. Nobody's going to condense War and Peace down to 200 words for you. Nobody's going to condense Nabokov down to 200 words for you. Ridiculous. Go read a book, you lazy urchins.

..You also once mentioned inspecting a jacket to see if it was fake including licking it and whispering to it in a sensual voice. Is this something other people can do?

It really depends on how good of a lover they are. I see, these days, that most people only make love to humans, but this is a very new idea. In the 60's they made love to everything. Actually- that's not true- I see people making love to all sorts of things these days, but they're very boring things: treadmills, cellphones, spatulas. Who wants to make love to a spatula?

If there is a real Fake Karl, is there really a Real Karl?

If a is b, is c harmonica?

You wrote, “I feel like Paris is a place for lovers to watch movies in bed.” Can you tell us more what you think of lovers in Paris?

A long time ago, a friend of mine was travelling down the line- the telephone line- where he met up with a mule who carried him safely into a little town where he met a girl. The girl wore black, and she was very chic. She carried heels with her wherever she went, in a wooden luggage box. The girl was just standing there, looking over his shoulder, her scarf over her mouth but her eyes looking into his. They fell in love, once they got over the logistics of her looking over his shoulder whilst he somehow twisted his head in her direction in order to lock eyes. This friend of mine, it was another time really, he sent me postcards on the pony express, which would get to Paris about once every month, give or take a couple of days. They were madly in love. They decided to get married, and all those other sort of lover-ly things. Personally, it made me vomit quietly in my mouth; but I couldn't do a thing. They had dreams together, and dreams don't die so easily- they're about as immune to death as I. One day, the girl wasn't wearing black anymore, and she just broke his heart. A sad story, don't you think?

That's what I think of lovers. I think they're just a setup to heartbreak, hmm? It's better to have not loved at all and be a genius, than love and be mediocre. Or love someone who's mediocre- that's just as bad.

But what about these lovers in Paris? Are they any different? Oh, I wish they were. They just make my heart freeze the more. Yes, those with their little berets and such; their little trimmed moustaches and little black dresses. Yet it happens all again- somebody drinks some medicine, and their heart changes, like an old grandfather clock. It's a very ineffective piece of equipment. And it's very fragile.

You wrote, “Diet Coke, of course, goes with everything. It is the new black.” Is diet coke food? Can you eat anything that doesn’t have calories?

I'm actually convinced the very act of eating creates calories in itself. And of course, Diet Coke is not food. Food implies eating and eating implies calories.

Do you have a cookbook and where can I buy it?

What sort of things does one cook in a book? Expect figures, of course. Figure skaters are very good material for a cookbook. You can buy it at all good bookstores (which these days seem like a dying breed. You'd better catch one before they're all dead.)

If you don't like fatties, how come Chanel offers big sizes (2, 4,....6)? Do you think that is why Margiela puts spandex in everything (complete with face cover), because they like fatties?

Chanel does have a ultra-ladylike drag-queen clientele, and the larger sizes cater to them. Margiela is just lazy. He's about as active in his company as Colonel Sanders is in KFC.

Were you ever a German Ja-men before you were King Karl? Maybe when you worked at Balmain? In reference to your recent autobiography “King Karl, Better Than Yves”

Non! I was born before Germany even existed. I was born in Prussia. Let us not talk about Balmain...I would hate to traumatize you, child.

Was there ever a time when you were not King Karl?

What about King Kong? Was there any time when he wasn't King Kong?

I noticed you were a rap-artiste before rap was invented. Can you tell me more about this?

It's very simple. I speak so fast it ends up sounding like a rap, and one day I was walking down hell's kitchen and Bob Dylan heard me, as well as Louis Armstrong. That ended up being the geniuses of rap, before it was desecrated by the so called "rappers" of today. Gosh, back in Germany we used to have fast-talking competitions (when I was a child), and I would always win. Nowadays one would call it a "Rap Battle" or something equally inane.

You mentioned, “Dressing well is better than being a good person, anyway. I know celebrities.” Can you tell us more about the celebrities you know?

Most of the people I know are not so unknown, hmm? I could spend all day talking to you about the celebrities I know. They all are part of a secret clubhouse, though. It's in the biggest tree in the world, and requires a silver-plated invite (we got rid of the gold plated invites when we heard about this crunchy credit thing. They're in a dumpster somewhere, I imagine.)

Where can we send money to support ex-models who got fat and now need bras?

I actually suggest sending them directly to the models themselves. For instance, you could buy Kate Moss a bra or two- I hear she's a b-cup now. There's also the "Cindy Crawford Time Travel Foundation", which is a foundation Cindy created to transport the models who require bras to the 80's and such, where models were allowed breasts. Thus, many of the models of today are also yesteryear's models.

You wrote, “It's like one of those useless parts of the body- like the heart or some such.” If you don’t use your heart, how do you make love?

Personally, I find the heart redundant- the ancient Mayans used the heart to make love to their gods, yet these days that sort of practice is frowned upon- the ripping out of hearts out of human beings. I can't imagine why.
I make love by whispering sweet nothings into the wind, when the evening is spread out against the sky.

“Karl has just informed me that this morning he promoted himself from "demi-god" to "Kaiser H. "Coco" Lagerfeld ", a bit redundant, would you say?-- well I wouldn't... don't feel like getting slapped)” I believe that was written by Anna. Does this mean there will soon be a Kaiser H. “Coco” Lagerfeld label? Where can we buy?

Yves wrote that, actually. I give him a good slapping every now and again. You know, I think it's a brilliant label without actual clothes. I could just have a store with no clothes, that people pay to come to. I would do that if there wasn't already stores like it- "Margiela" comes to mind.

Why do you let that American girl Anna blog for you sometimes? She’s not Paris ( Note: Bob Dylan we are sure has no address, or passport)

Her therapist says blogging's good for her. She's convinced alcohol's good for her. The two go together, as I'm sure many a blogger will inform you. Anna's a little friend of mine, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of...you wrote, “Maybe give him a record deal- Jesus and the Stoners (everybody must get stoned, hmm?). “ Are you implying Bob Dylan the second coming? Explain.

Am I? Maybe I'm the second coming. Maybe Bob Dylan's the fourth coming, or the sixth coming. Maybe John Peel is the seventh coming and Steve Albini is the 12th coming. There's all these comings and goings, you don't really know who's supposed to be the messiah and who's the tea boy. Perhaps the tea boy is the second coming.

Where is Brad these days? Why doesn’t he blog for you?

Brad who?

Did you ever find out what Jealousy was? Did it end up being from the middle classes?

I started looking down a suburban street for jealousy. I saw mothers in zoot suits, and fathers in polo shirts, and children in brown suits and flowery dresses. Over the road the family wore the same thing- zoot suits and such. Yet each family looked over the road at the other family like the had something the other didn't have. This confused me. I walked to the next house, where a 40 year old woman with blonde hair trailing down her back had her dress unzipped by a fat man with grey hair. I felt like I was in some TV series. I went to the city with it's metropolitan metal, and I found lawyers hanging off highrise towers: I asked them if they knew what jealousy was, but they just shrugged and directed me to the nearest white house. So I got into the white house, where they were serving sixteen white horses on white plates, and all smiled. I had heard that people who smile are not jealous, and I went elsewhere, toward the heart of the middle classes- the workplace. Yet, I saw people smiling here too. I wondered to myself: Is jealousy something which people pretend not to have? After this...epiphany, I wandered over to the Met ball, where I finally found jealousy by lifting up the wigs of the ladies who go there.

Can you confirm Martin has an Eskimo designing his last collection?

A corporate Eskimo. He wears a very warm suit to work.

You wrote, "Fashion is not a translation of the street, nor is the street a translation of fashion." By fashion, do you mean Chanel? Also, have you ever been on the Internet?

Non, I don't just mean Chanel. I also design Fendi and my own line, Karl Lagerfeld. I don't go on the internet; I hear it places your tracks in concrete, and I always tread in snow. With a big stick.

Do you think Carine is a part of a secret plot to replace the classic Chanel jacket with the new Balmain jacket? Do you think Emmanuelle Alt is a decoy robot of this movement who has been built to take some of the pressure off Carine?

For a very long time I was confused to who this Emmanuelle Alt is. I would be at parties, and if they were in France one of my people would tell me that this Alt person was also there. Yet I was never sure what this person looked like- are they are boy or a girl? Emmanuelle sounds like the name of a bad Spanish chef. Eventually I saw Emmanuelle's photo on a dart board in Anna's office at Vogue- "who's that?", asks I, "Oh, that skunk Emanuelle" Anna told me- or rather spat at me. Now, I am still not sure whether Alt is a robot or some sort of brainless, trend-following moron. The terms are not mutually exclusive, of course.

Carine, she is one of the "cool kids" who thinks she is oh-so-chic in her Balmain jacket. One wonders whether she was stoned out of her mind for the entire period of the 80's- it's not hard to imagine. She's trying to replace the Chanel jacket, it's clear- but the Chanel jacket is timeless, something nothing by the horrible smelly homeless man can only dream of. Frankly, I'm not worried- French Vogue is only read my American French students, anyway. Everybody in France reads a magazine which is far too chic to dictate here. But it exists.

Spring Cleaning (A FAQ of sorts)

Though my assistant Jean assures me that it is not Spring at the moment, I'll ignore him. It's Spring tonight. Anyway- I was looking through a printout- on quilted paper, of course- of search terms used to find my "blog." Some of them are particularly amusing. I am not a compulsive list maker, but I made a list. It's a FAQ of sorts. By the way, there was about two million search terms asking if my daughter is my daughter. I won't dignify them with an answer:

1. "Jane Lagerfeld."
I am afraid that my daughter's name is "Jane Aldridge", not "Jane Lagerfeld." Actually- she was recently featured with her mother in that magazine of Anna's recently. I'm quite proud of her. Anna's trying to make friends with Jane, because Anna thinks she is "cool" and "hip"- she's been looking up this "David Lynch" trying to work out who he is. It's vaguely cute, in a middle-aged way.

2. "Karl Lagerfeld no glasses."
You abomination. It's sheer blasphemy to want to see me without my sunglasses! What sort of sicko would want to do something like this?

3. "Anna Wintour Lesbian."
My Coco. How many sickos and weirdos read this blog? I can already imagine them- their fantasies of I, Karl Lagerfeld with my glasses off and Anna making out with Cathy "Ohio" Horyn in a bikini. Sick.

4. "Juicy Couture Ghetto"
Go away from my blog, please.

5. "Women making love."
You know, I used to think that gay men read this blog, but I'm more and more convinced that 90% of my readership are actually lesbians.

6. "Diane Pernet is creepy."
Not nearly as creepy as you, you lesbian-glasses-off-Juicy-Couture-Ghetto-creep.

7. "Don't mess with a feminist."
Well now. Who said I wasn't a feminist? Is this a threat, hmm? Chanel can track you on the internet, you know. I have lawyers. Lawyers carry guns these days.

8. "Does Karl Lagerfeld speak English."
No.

9. "Does Karl Lagerfeld fear someone else can design better than him."
No.

10. "Every woman I couldn't love."
Maybe you're gay, hm?

11. "Hannibal Karl Lagerfeld."
Why hello there, Clarice.

12. "How to make love with the girl of my uncle."|
That, my dear, would be called inscest and is frowned upon in most parts of the world.

13. "Is Anna Wintour a lesbian."
See above.

14. "My heart still yearns for your letters."
Get over it. It was in the past. Move on. The past is for losers.

15. "Why can't I show affection."
Maybe you're a sociopath!

2 Easy Pieces

A while ago, I did an interview with a certain website- I'm not sure if it was ever published or not, considering it was supposed to be published in June, and it is now July. July is after June. I know this because I went through the months in my head: "January, February" and so on. So, I thought I'd publish a few excerpts from the interview over the next few days. A woman named
Donna Tillotson originally asked the questions, by the way.

On Emmanuelle Alt, the Chanel Jacket, etc:

Do you think Carine is a part of a secret plot to replace the classic Chanel jacket with the new Balmain jacket? Do you think Emmanuelle Alt is a decoy robot of this movement who has been built to take some of the pressure off Carine?

For a very long time I was confused to who this Emmanuelle Alt is. I would be at parties, and if they were in France one of my people would tell me that this Alt person was also there. Yet I was never sure what this person looked like- are they are boy or a girl? Emmanuelle sounds like the name of a bad Spanish chef. Eventually I saw Emmanuelle's photo on a dart board in Anna's office at Vogue- "who's that?", asks I, "Oh, that skunk Emanuelle" Anna told me- or rather spat at me. Now, I am still not sure whether Alt is a robot or some sort of brainless, trend-following moron. The terms are not mutually exclusive, of course.

Carine, she is one of the "cool kids" who thinks she is oh-so-chic in her Balmain jacket. One wonders whether she was stoned out of her mind for the entire period of the 80's- it's not hard to imagine. She's trying to replace the Chanel jacket, it's clear- but the Chanel jacket is timeless, something the horrible smelly homeless man can only dream of. Frankly, I'm not worried- French Vogue is only read my American French students, anyway. Everybody in France reads a magazine which is far too chic to dictate here. But it exists.

On Jealousy:

Did you ever find out what Jealousy was? Did it end up being from the middle classes?

I started looking down a suburban street for jealousy. I saw mothers in zoot suits, and fathers in polo shirts, and children in brown suits and flowery dresses. Over the road the family wore the same thing- zoot suits and such. Yet each family looked over the road at the other family like the had something the other didn't have. This confused me. I walked to the next house, where a 40 year old woman with blonde hair trailing down her back had her dress unzipped by a fat man with grey hair. I felt like I was in some TV series. I went to the city with its metropolitan metal, and I found lawyers hanging off highrise towers: I asked them if they knew what jealousy was, but they just shrugged and directed me to the nearest white house. So I got into the white house, where they were serving sixteen white horses on white plates, and all smiled. I had heard that people who smile are not jealous, and I went elsewhere, toward the heart of the middle classes- the workplace. Yet, I saw people smiling here too. I wondered to myself: Is jealousy something which people pretend not to have? After this...epiphany, I wandered over to the Met ball, where I finally found jealousy by lifting up the wigs of the ladies who go there.

Interview with "CLIVE" magazine

I was interviewed by one of those magazines in one of those places where there isn't many Chanel stores. Download it here.

Interview with PAPERMAG

There's an interview with me here. It's about the recent couture collection I put out, etc etc. I suggest you read it, hmm?
Thank you to the darling Julia, who interviewed me. Flowers will be sent to your closet soon.

Interview

Oh, I was interviewed here.
I would like to declare Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip demode, from now on. In fact the entire interview is out of date!

Interview with a poor person

I interviewed this game designer called Paul Eres, his site is here. See, I thought it would be a good idea to venture out of the closet and see what non-fashion people do; and to confirm that they actually exist.

Karl: Hello, hmmm?
Paul Eres: Hi
K: So, you make these game things. Are you fat?
P: Nope, I'm 6'4" and weigh 130 lbs.
K: How chic, hmm? Although you could probably lose 10 pounds or so. What are you wearing?
P: I'm wearing... pastel blue shorts and pastel yellow t-shirt, and a blanket and glasses
K:Blankets are very chic; but the shorts and t-shirt are demode, Paul, demode. At least you're not wearing a t-shirt made out of bed-sheets...or is it?
P: No, a shirt and the blanket over it, since it's cold, although a shirt out of bed sheets wouldn't be a bad idea.
But I don't have any bed sheets.
I'm too poor to afford such things!
K: Poor is very demode
K: Why are you so poor?
P: Because the congress in the US voted to steal 700 billion from the poor and give it to the rich.
K: So you were previously a billionaire?
P: Perhaps in a previous life, but not this one; they stole the 700 billion from all the poor collectively.
So my share of that was less than a billion.
K: Oh....there's more than one poor person in the US?
P: Yes, about 100 million
K: Do they wear skinny jeans?
P: Depends on the area, they do that near NYC, yes, but perhaps in other areas they wear other kinds of jeans
K: I heard you just got a 40 inch TV, paul. is this what being poor in the US means? Being only able to have a 40 inch TV?
P: Hahaha, yes, but the tv is dim even at full brightness, and I also have to live inside of the TV, so it doubles as my home
K: How do you produce these electronic computer games then, hmm?
P: The TV is so big that my entire computer fits inside it, along with myself.
And I create these games on that computer.
K: Is the TV plugged into anything?
P: I am not sure, I've never been outside of the TV to check.
K: So you were born in the TV?
P: No, but I meant, for as long as I can remember, I've been inside it.
I'm sure I wasn't born in it though.
And I can remember back several days. Which isn't very much.
Because of amnesia.
K: Does this mean that you have to re-start work on your game every few days?
P: No, because I keep notes in my journal about the game's progress.
K: You made...Immortal Defence, hmm? How did you do this?
P: I made it in a game maker, which is a program used by those who are too poor to program in anything else.
K: Do the people who made Game Maker live in a TV too?
P: I believe the actual creator of GM doesn't live in a TV anymore, because he sold the GM to a company named NoMoGames.
Who gave him enough money to move into a refrigerator.
K: What do you do in this game of yours, hm?
P: In the last game I made? You defend an imaginary granddaughter from imaginary monsters. Forever.
K: Does the granddaughter live in a TV?
P: No, imaginary people don't live anywhere except in other people's heads.
K: Is this granddaughter very chic? Is she thin? Does she wear imaginary Chanel?
P: It's an alternate galaxy, so she probably doesn't wear any human clothes, but I imagine she wears the best clothes of her species' fashion designers, which is probably far better than any clothes humans have created yet.
K: Non, non; my clothes are the best
P: Perhaps, but there is no way to know, since the two galaxies are too far apart to compare the clothes side by side.
K: Well, we will see about that. Chanel is pretty powerful, you know. Are you still poor?
P: Perhaps you could donate one sleeve of one of your clothes, and it would fund all the poor in the US for life!
K: But, then who would the rich have to feel better than?
P: They can still feel better than the cows and pigs and bugs
K: But some of them are cows; and I dare say that some of them are pigs, too.
That only leaves bugs...which is not very chic, hmm?
P: Bugs are the new chic!!
K: You live in a TV; so you are obviously not qualified, hmmm?
P: Yes, but! The TV sometimes has fashion shows.
K: Yes, but you are inside your TV so you can't watch them.
P: Yes, but I can hear them. And I hear the way the models walk. And from the way that they walk, I have learned all the secrets of fashion.
K: How do you know they're models? They could be obese homeless men with a particularly delicate walk.
P: I hear them referred to as models by the television
K: how do you know the television is right, hmm?
P: because no television that i live in could be wrong! K: But you are poor! obviously, you are not right if you are poor.
P: You should interview two people named Tale-of-Tales. They live in Europe, like you!
K: They're not smelly Europeans, are they?
P: I have never smelled them, so I do not know, but they make games about deer and about graveyards.
K: uh oh, they're not Goths? Or....HIPSTERS?
P: No, I think one of them even wears designer pants! So they can't be all bad, no?
K: I shall consider interviewing them. Adieu, poor person.
P: Goodbye.

Another Interview With Me

I agreed to do an interview with this person because she smelt good. Read it here.
Please smell good when you read this, hmm? This "blog" I mean. Otherwise you will have to be removed.

The Fashion Time Interview

The excellent Fashion Time Magazine interviewed me and also gave me a wonderful introduction. Read the interview here, and read the rest of that site whilst you're there, hmm?

Yet another interview

I'm "horribly offensive" now am I? Lovely.
A new interview claiming this is here.

English translation of the Brazilian interview

- What do you think of Brazil?
Nice boys.

- What's your favorite drink?
Goodness me, did you research me at all? I won't even answer that. Everybody knows the answer, hmm?

- What was the craziest thing you ever told an employee to do?
I asked an employee once to paint the Chanel logo on the inside of every Louis Vuitton bag made in China out of one of those sweatshops where they make them. But that is business as normal on planet Karl, hmmm?

- Is it true you have someone just to hold a tray for you at parties?
Do your research dear, research. I have someone to hold my Diet Coke, not a tray. Close, hmm?

-Anna is close friends with Miuccia. Don't you ever hang out?
I don't hang out with the homeless. It is demode. Anna just apologized to me about her previous friendship with that women.

- Yves died. You know, right?
You're obviously not in the loop. They're lies, all lies.

- Do you have any imaginary friends?
Yes. But they're not your friends. Maybe I will introduce you to them at a party sometime, hm?

- An easy guide to not be demode?
There is no easy guide to not be demode. The trick is, to look chic easily but that is very hard. Or you could be me.

- What's on your iPod?
Which one?

- How many sunglasses do you own?
5,212- at the moment. I got rid of a few from the 90s. I get rid of them every decade and start anew.

- Do you watch Gossip Girl?
You think I have time to watch TV??? I have the cast of Gossip Girl act it out in front of me whilst I work. Don't you?

- Describe a day in the life of Karl Lagerfeld.
That is what my blog is for, hmmm?

- Is it true you pay more attention to people Chanel-clad?
I pay attention to the chic people. More often than not it's those who wear Chanel....

- A perfect world would be...
Oh, isn't this world perfect hmm? A world without stupid people but not the demode, because we need to make fun of the demode.

Now I have to take photos of Brad!

Another Interview

Read about it here. It's in Brazilian, though.

Interview with me

I did an interview with some people here. Read, and be chic about it.

Conversation with a Kim

me: Hello. This is Karl here

2:13 PM I'm using Anna's computer (she's away doing something or somesuch). I think if I type into this little box here you can hear my messages?

2:14 PM Kim: Why hello! I thought I had missed you!

I messed up the timing for last evening's chat.

2:16 PM me: I ended up doing something else anyway, hmm? Ahh, the hardships of being a fashion god.

2:17 PM Kim: I expect you're busy working out he details of next spring's fashion line. So, will it be pirate-y or ninja-y? I won't tell a soul...

2:22 PM me: I think it will be about revolution, hmm?

2:24 PM Something is in the air, don't you think?

Well, you don't have to think dear- that is my job. That's the real role I have at Chanel

2:26 PM I'm a computer. I stopped being human years ago

2:27 PM being human is such a bore, hmm? Anyway, being human doesn't go well with fashion

2:28 PM Kim: And yet, you look so chic! Not automated at all. That Annie Liebowitz fashion spread in Vogue, the Alice in Wonderland one--you looked marvelous.

2:29 PM Really, I said to myself, "Self, who is that marvelous fellow there?" And it was Karl Lagerfeld. I have been a fan ever since.

me: you have been doing your research I see!

2:30 PM Kim: I came to fashion late: raised by wolves in the state of Idaho, you know.

And then I got a subscription to Vogue.

2:31 PM me: oh, Anna will be pleased

Kim: So, Karl, we all want to know: what inspires you?

2:32 PM me: Everything that is happening, hmm? The world. Jelly. Turbans.Katamari. It is important to be inspired by everything

something Yves could never do...

2:33 PM Kim: How is Yves? Enjoying his "demise", hanging out with Elvis and Gianni?

2:34 PM me: Even though he's dead, Yves still is a sad old sack

because he loves being sad, really.

2:36 PM being sad is what makes Yves happy!

Kim: ah, Yves. He'll be forever known as the man who put women in pants. What will you always be known for, tell me?

2:37 PM me: I've always thought it's hard for a man to judge himself. what do you think I will be remembered for?

2:38 PM Kim: Sleeves. No one can set in sleeve like you. It's poetry in peau-de-soie.

2:39 PM That should read "set in a sleeve"

2:40 PM Let's not forget how you single-handedly saved the house of Chanel...

me: the thing with Yves is, he only did one thing

I did many

Gucci, Louis Vuttion (ugh) wouldn't exist without me

because I created the new Chanel

2:41 PM It looks like Anna's back. I have to go- she's in one of her moods

too much drink I think (and at work too!)

Kim: Au revoir, then!

me: Au revoir

An Interview with me

The interviewer choose not to be identified. Her questions in bold. I know not too many non-famous people, hmmmm?

>what do you think think of american teen clothing stores such as abercrombie & fitch and hollister?

I have not heard of these stores, hmm? I asked my assistant who's typing these replies for me, and he said they sold watered down Chanel goods. I am not such a fan of this, hmmmm?

>what inspired you to go into fashion?

I couldn't really do anything else. It is not a love of fashion as such, but a hate of most other things. Fashion is more real than anything else, don't you think?

>what is your favorite color? animal? (i'd ask food, but you don't eat, of course.)

My favourite colour is Karl. I can get on with animals, but I don't like animals.

>why did you design for H&M?

Why not hmm? I had nothing else to do that day anyway. It was a free day and I hate free days- it was that day where they celebrate fatties with all the food and presents. On the Coca-Cola bottles there is a fat man in a red suit. That day- you know the one?

Interview with Nicholas

me: Yves is lazy, says he wants to do something, then doesn't do it.Quell'horror! So, I shall do a 20 minute interview with you now, hmm?

6:13 PM nicholas: perfect

6:15 PM me: Well then. What do you think of the current state of the tea-in-the-closet industry these days? I think we did it more when I was younger...

nicholas: i do it all the time.

it is relaxing

sometimes i teleconference from there

6:16 PM there are not nice closets in china

this needs to be fixed.

6:17 PM me: I was speaking to Yohji the other day, he did a show there a while ago, he had the exact same problem!

6:18 PM nicholas: small communist wardrobes.

me: There he was, trying to hold a traditional Japanese tea in this horrible closet that Mao person used

6:20 PM Mao was bizzare anyway....Yves met him once. Said he was very bourgeoise.

nicholas: You can buy busts of him everywhere

we found rubber ones today - not quite sure why they made rubber ones.... not very attractive.

6:21 PM he has such an odd haircut.

and such terrible jackets.

a la armani 1982

me: oh god...Armani

that man scares me

his TAN.

6:22 PM nicholas: he must shower in tanning spray.

6:23 PM his face lift is also somewhat frightening.

me: He does not design anyway these days, hmm? I'm convinced he simply changes the colors or something

6:24 PM nicholas: i think he must have a beige colorwheel in his office that he spins and whatever it lands on, he just changes last season to the new beige

the phone he designed is terrrrrrible

it's a beige square.

6:25 PM me: He designed a phone?

See, I just don't bother keeping in the Italian fashion circle anymore

6:26 PM the only interesting person is that Prada lady, but her clothes look like they're taken from the backs of homeless people

nicholas: (that's how she does it - and why she's so rich)

6:27 PM me: actually she's one of the few that doesn't steal my designs, so she probably does steal them off homeless people

(exactly, hmm?(

nicholas: because she can just buy yachts instead of material

me: but she is witty at least. You need t be somewhat intelligent to fool people like that

6:28 PM nicholas: very true.

6:29 PM she also has an attitude that is very funny....

she's very interesting

6:30 PM me: mm. I like that. People are afraid to be interesting, hmm?

if I say "I am going to bath in vintage wine!" people just look at me as if I'm crazy or something

6:31 PM nicholas: that's what happened when i said i wanted to buy a mao statue and paint it metallic silver

it would be so warhol

6:32 PM me: Andy was great

6:33 PM anyway, I have another event to get going to

6:34 PM we can finish this sometime later, hmm? Maybe even tonight (another dinner with one of those rich French people. I'm going to see if I can get away with taking their bed)

nicholas: do it - i will be here

toiling for the chinese people

sans closet

me: lovely. as long as you have Dior Homme, you can be strong!

Dior Homme is strength!

6:35 PM (but the new designer- Kris whoever is an idiot. I don't like him)

(but more on that later)

au wiedersehen
me: Hello again! The dinner went very late last nigh

nicholas: did you manage to take the bed?

me: I did! I don't really know what to do with it now, though....

6:18 PM it's just sitting in the middle of my dining room

nicholas: you should pile it full of models and throw a party

and perhaps paint little chanel logos on them

6:19 PM me: I think I'll do both

the Chanel show's soon, I think people will be entertained

6:20 PM I'm already bored of it. Time to start design a new collection, hmm?

nicholas: exactly.

6:21 PM i am filing photos of pretty things into various folders on my laptop

which i will probably just end up deleting

me: that's what I do in life

6:22 PM it's a good waste of time, non?

nicholas: it's fantastic.

and you look quite busy.

6:23 PM me: indeed

oh, did you see the Dior Homme show?

nicholas: i did.

6:24 PM kris van assche is odd.

adorable.

but some of those pants...

me: I miss Hedi's clothes, to be honest

I like to say "I am in the now, I never wear last season"

nicholas: i miss the stick-thin-jet-black-ness of hedi's work

6:25 PM me: but right now I'm wearing a vintage Dior Homme suit

nicholas: i have had some chinese people clean my shoes

i am wearing them now, as it isn't as muddy as usual

6:26 PM me: how much do people cost these days?

maybe I should install a few shoe cleaners in Chanel stores

nicholas: in china, they are very inexpensive

but often they spit.

6:27 PM me: hm. have you noticed how the shop assistants never do anything?

6:28 PM they've almost made it a skill

maybe they could be the shoe cleaners

nicholas: they are pretty though.

6:29 PM me: are they? I never see their faces..

6:30 PM they all bow down to me

nicholas: as they should.

me: indeed. But it is good to know they are pretty.

6:32 PM nicholas: the girls are my favorite - they just sigh at you

so chic

me: I'm not really sure what I should interview you about. Maybe I'll just post these convos on the blog

6:33 PM but of course

even the Chanel bagpipes are chic

(we only made 5. there's a reson for that)

although, the Dior Homme show wasn't that bad

it just wasn't that good

6:34 PM nicholas: exactly.

6:35 PM me: so, what are you doing in China anyway?

6:36 PM nicholas: pretending to work at an architecture firm

quite taxing

6:37 PM i am doing a lot of graphic design

and shopping

6:38 PM me: oh lovely

I pretend to work at Chanel all the time

6:39 PM I go into my office, roll around on the chair

in fact I have races with Hedi (he doesn't do anything else these days) and Yves

even Anna once, when she was drunk

6:40 PM they think it's part of my "creative process"

6:41 PM nicholas: hhaha

exactly

i send my secretary to buy me chinese magazines

which i then have translated

while i wander around the office and steal office supplies

6:42 PM me: I miss being able to do it

I did that at Chloé, and I still have a drawer full of pens and such

6:43 PM but at Chanel I kind of own the place

I mean, there's those two brothers

but they don't count, hmm?

I'm not even sure if they're alive anymore

6:44 PM nicholas: hahah

me: does anyone know?

nicholas: no, noone knows anything.

6:45 PM that's why we have to tell them everything.

Interview with Morgan

I interviewed a girl called Morgan. She likes trashy television and is studying something at some university. Actually, the interview isn't done yet but I'm going to write up something anyway because I'm standing in the Dior Homme boutique and some idiots are twittering away to each other
("ohhh, i think that is magnifique" "what does that mean?", "oh I just heard it at last night's party"
"ohh great party, wasn't it?" "yeah, it was magnifique" .) So I need to entertain myself somehow.

I wonder who reads this anyway. Morgan, obviously. I need to buy a new ipod. I loaded up the backseat of a car yesterday with new ipods, but it's just not the same as buying an ipod when in a champagne bath. I don't know where the car went anyway. Maybe the ipod is demode anyway. Or Chanel could buy the company that makes ipods or something- Apple (stupid name, hmm?) (I suggested this to one of my entourage, and they thought I was making a joke- can you believe that?).

Oh- revolution in Tanzania. I, personally managed to quell that. People can buy Chanel t-shirts once more. The leader who was such a bore I can't even remember his name, he gave in when I gave him some free clothes. And they were last seasons, too!

Anyway, Morgan, yes. She said she sews, so maybe we'll see a few pictures of what she's sewn?

Love, Karl

Be Interviewed by me

I feel like interviewing some of the people who read this "blog" of mine.
I know it would be a bit hard, being interviewed by such a great person such as me- but I think if we could get past that, it would be quite interesting. After all, am I not Karl Lagerfeld?
So email me at fakekarl@gmail.com and perhaps we could do lunch and I could disect your brains, hmmm?