Friday, December 31, 2010

To silence the incessant non-believers.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Anna D

I was talking to Anna dello Russo the other day, who has recently become one of those "internet people" who have more images on the blogs than Andy Warhol has paintings. Consequently, she has her photograph taken a lot. She was wearing a golden garment which resembled a sheep upturned.
"Anna, is this really a golden sheep?" I asked.
"No, no, it is imitation golden sheep" she whispered back, as if ashamed of this fact. I wondered where one would obtain an actual golden sheep. I supposed that one had probably been caught by D on one of her safaris- surely the Africans would have one, what with all the exotic creatures in Africa. Zebras and such. The western world has to make do with LA- a veritable hunting ground if you're that way inclined.
Anyway, Anna said that she had been standing there for two days because the photographers won't go away and isn't it rude to leave them?
"So you were just standing there?" I said.
"Oui", she said. "I was once in the middle of the first world war- you know the one?"
"I know the one. Quite well known."
She preened at me. "I'd expect so, if I were in it! Anyway- I stopped this world war one for a whole five days because the photographers wanted to take pictures of me. Pin up, was the phrase they used", she said, pronouncing it "peen up".
"Didn't you get bored?"
"Being bored isn't something people with lower shoulders on their jackets do, Karl."
"This is why I'm glad nobody knows who I am. I am a complete nobody" I said, as two hundred and fifty seven flashes went off.

Note: Readers, you may have notice that I have been quite...apathetic with posts this year. This is because, well, I can do as I please, but also because I am writing a novel. You will be able to purchase it at some point within the next year. I am thinking of titling it "KARL LAGERELD: MEMOIRS OF A DRESSMAKING PROSTITUTE", though I am in no way writing a memoir. But it's a lovely word, isn't it? It sounds like a silk slip. Perhaps I will call it "KARL LAGERFELD: SILK SLIP DRESSMAKING", but then everybody will think I am a company selling silk slips. I have no desire to clothe you in silk slips, I assure you.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

End Of The World, etc

Dear Bryan,

My apologies about that ipad you were given for free not being 3g. What is the world coming to, hm? Why- the other day when I was on the back of my elephant riding to see Anna's new coat at her place in Paris, I saw people riding in those horrid automobiles. Since I saw An Inconvenient Truth I have been very eco-conscious, and it's considered most demode to ride around in an automobiles now- we all use elephants or our assistants. Only the proles use them.
Well, an ipad- which I recall you simply loved when it came out- without 3g? Simply another sign of the death of civilization, I fear. We are going back to the dark ages, brethren. At least Hermès still makes scarves which the weaker of you can weep into.


Friday, December 10, 2010

Yves in winter

Bonjour, it's Yves, over here, you can see my nose perhaps, the glint of the light on my glasses. I do like to bundle up in this weather. Oh, the fur lap robe came with an old touring car we bought, isn't it lovely? Driving was such an event in the old days!
Where are my manners - let's ring for tea! MERRIWETHER! Oh, here he is, lovely boy! Oh, we have green tea, ginger cookies, and a very special bottle of Irish Creme Liqueur, made specially by a local distillery to honor the chef's 100 days of sobriety, or a collection of tartans. I love that the taste of the cream hits your tongue, then the brandy sneaks up, like a little child putting her hand in yours. Oh, and we had glassware made for the occasion, whatever it was!
OOooh, ooh, look! I can see my breath! Oh, I forgot! It's my cigarette!
So, you look wonderful, it's so nice to see you. I must tell you where we went - to a remote part of Canada, where the patriarch of Swaworski Crystals opened an aabsolute fantasy of a hotel, on an Okanagan lake, it made of millions of crytals, so you can always see yourself, and you are alwys in good company. Oh, and a special reverse sauna, it is 162 below - one only stays in it for three minutes, but it says it reverses aging. Oh, and schnitzel and wild boar for dinner -so Austrian!
So yes, winter must come, but we can make it lovely, can't we? Here, a bit more of the brandy - the local honey makes it good for you!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Man of my word

Well, people DO forget that there is a third sex. A woman in a mans world.

I do hate to name drop, especially when it's an entire country. If one name drops in conversation it smacks of a certain desperation. However what I'm about to say won't make a lick of sense if I don't start with what I despise most.

When I first arrived in Thailand, I was struck by how prehistoric the place was. I summoned some assistants with the turn of a slender hand - fingers are such POWERFUL things, aren't they? Better than money, that's why they call them digits - and two or three appeared before me.
- See those cliffs?
My lengthy digit arched like a skeletal model towards the skyline. The face on the assistants - because sometimes they must share - sighed a tender spot as they realised that physical exertion may be needed.
- I wish for you to find me a pterodactyl for Cecil's shoot.
They looked slightly bewildered
- A pterodactyl! You must know what I am talking about, am I speaking Thai? I sometimes do that without noticing.
They tottered off.

I must say, back to the sky line, I do SO enjoy the rocks here and how they are such physics dissidents. Gravity is so demode, unless one has it ones self, in which case it is D-mode*.

My contribution to counteracting global warming was an assistant-powered boat to the island. (I feel that there is a business in assistant-powered technologies. Would you buy an assistant-powered car, my readers? Perhaps we could quilt it like a Chanel bag - I will speak to K on the matter.) I know what you're thinking
- But D! Dearest! It will simply be SWARMING with too-rysts.
I am one step ahead of you, my readers. I bought the island for the shoot -- fabulous tax deductions. Poor Cecil was sweating profusely.

Unfortunately I was unaware that the lack of cloud cover and oxygen ménage à trois meant that I managed to scorch myself somewhat spectacularly. Usually I just glare at the sun and it turns away, mortified. However, it is apparent that the Thai sun doesn't speak English and completely out-glared me. Normally this wouldn't stand, but for a foreign celestial being, I will make a concession.

Most people sunburnish, you understand, but I, however, do not have the luxury. That is right, there are somethings money cannot buy. As a result I appear to look as though I have been stung by a jellyfish. We even met a jelly fish who offered to "even it up" but I politely declined.

The shoot was fantastic, the pictures are so tiny that they fit on the back of your finger nail. But by golly they were good -- then, in an elaborate ceremony, we sent them on a diaspora via a big gust of wind to better inform the rest of the population on how to take photographs.

Oh! And the assistants have returned with something that is definitely not a pterodactyl. A cassowary? Well it does look quite prehistoric. It is quite a pity that the photo shoot was days ago. I am afraid your lack of timing will mean you have no choice but to take the assistant powered boat home. Yes, to New York. Why -- is that too far?

Oh, please excuse me. Fracas abound.


*I mentioned this in reply to a comment on the previous post. D-mode is anti-demode, or de-demode, as it is a process where someone is so D-mode that they make people less demode by proximity. Technical term, DO keep up.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I will write again soon

Dearest Readers,

As I speak I am in the process of transit which means a large amount of my thoughts are appearing from the ethos in the old fashioned way. I have several assistants painting them on stone walls in decorative figures. At present they are a general slurry, as opposed to a succinct spiders web, as my assistants aren't very apt at translating. Or painting.

Please, stop your weeping. I will do my best to sit down and piece together the words that I've written. This may take some time as it appears to me that my impulse to write has come in one word bursts.

Naturally, I understand that you are impatient.