Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Children's Time: Cinderella by Karl

There was once a very ugly girl who had two very chic stepsisters. The very ugly woman’s name was Cinderella, and well, the names of the chic stepsisters are not very important; they were just were beautiful and quite unlike anything from this world. If you ever needed them you could just say “hey doll”, and both of them would turn ‘round and stare not at you, but through you, because they were so very beautiful.
The ugly sister had once had a mother who gave her useless necessities like “food” and a “bed”.
But her mother died, because she was so very fat. And fat people cause global warming.

So her father remarried, and the woman he remarried to was some sort of power-player, the sort of woman you’d see on “Lipstick Jungle” only with more shoulder pads. Essentially, the new stepmother was very evil and therefore very fashion. For her lunch, she would eat and extinguish entire species. For her dinner, she would vomit the species up and video it and send the video to PETA. She was very fashion.

Anyway, the mother was very horrible to Cinderella, because she was so ugly; but she indulged the other two sisters that were from her previous marriage to a rich banker. Cinderella got very jealous of this, and one day she decided to become a hipster like the other ugly people become.

“I will become a hipster” she said to the imaginary camera in the barn where she had to live.

So the next day she went with her smelly male vintage-glasses wearing friend who couldn’t afford a shower ,to a place called American Apparel. At American Apparel there were many other smelly people just like Cinderella and her unnamed male friend, none of whom wore pants and all wore very thick glasses. And they sung this song in the style of the band “Kraftwerk".

“Just put some thick glasses on,
And lose those pants,
And be so ironic;
That you could be called bionic;
And move like a duck
And do the bird pose

Da da daaaaaa
Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada.
(catch the art movement reference?)
Dali. Dali. Dali. Dali
(had a big moustache)

Put your tights on,
Make your sweater bright;
Do a porno pose now,
It’s so ironic”

“I am glad to join your cult” said Cinderella.
“So are we!” said the hipsters.
“What?” said Cinderella
“It’s ironic!” said the hipsters.

Anyway, one day as Cinderella was practicing her porno poses at American Apparel, her friend Tony Hipster ™ came in, and said he was just on dru- on Facebook, and that there’s a ball on being hosted by Anna Wintour. Cinderella was very excited with this, as she thought she that this could be her step up, into the world of The Adults.

But later that night, when she told her stepsisters this; they were less than amused.
“You are too ugly to go to such a chic event!” said sister 1.
“You are sooo fat and demode” said sister 2.
“Just you wait! I’ll prove to you that I can be beautiful!” said Cinderella, and with a huff of her smelly hipster breath she was gone.
Poor little fat Cinderella was denied entry to the ball when she arrived there wearing only tights and a primary-coloured sweater! Was she ever to meet the prince she desired as per the normal story of Cinderella?
Unfortunately, yes.

Cinderella crawled into the back bathroom window, and found her prince sitting on his throne. The prince in question was Tom Ford; and because of this the bathroom was transformed into some sort of honeymoon suite with a revolving love-heart bed and a disco ball and 70’s music playing. Cinderella was situation on the middle of the bed, and Tom Ford walked into the room with trepidation and an open shirt.

“My my, what big glasses you have!” said Tom.
“All the better to see you with” said Cinderella in an incredibly creepy tone.
“My my, what smelly breath you have!”
“All the better to penetrate you with!” said Cinderella, meaning of course her breath penetrating Tom’s skin (which is moisturized with the milk of very thin models who’re given nothing but air to eat. Fight the 250 signs of aging: with Very Thin Models. Because it’s worth a lot).
“My my, what tight leggings you have!”
“All the better to HIPSTERIZE YOU WITH!!!” said Cinderella, who then inexplicably ran off leaving a shoe behind.

Tom picked up the shoe with tweezers and just at that moment, Karl’s daughter Jane came in.
“It’s a FLAT!” she screamed, horrified by the prospect of a shoe being anything but a heel.
“It’s from WALMART!” Tom screamed, horrified by the prospect of a shoe being from Walmart.
“It’s….it’s a BOY!” said the doctor, quite clearly confused.

So Cinderella never did marry Tom Ford, because she was very ugly. And ugly people are bad for the environment, don’t’cha’know!


Martin said...

Great post, reminds me why I added you to my google reader in the first place :)

Anonymous said...

Ah, this is lovely.

Anonymous said...

the best post ever!
i worship you!

Anonymous said...

i love you karl
can demode people love you?

Mo said...

it's a boy!

wonderful Karl, just wonderful

chynisgrl said...

amazing! luvv this

Anonymous said...

I wonder what Tom was doing in the love nest... certainly not flirting with Cinderella, as he's gay... right? RIGHT?!

And I swear, I want his moisturizer. I hear Agyness gives some fantastic milk.

Hillary said...

I fear the scene in American Apparel will give me nightmares.

Alex (lexie) said...

So, I was thinking Karl, you should do some posts about your version of those horribly démodé and corny Christmas cards I think that would be wonderfully hilarious Non?

Anonymous said...

the best story I have ever read, "I am glad to join your cult" - lol

Thevisionarybutterfly said...

Karl Karl Karl. You penetrate me with your stories. Can I get a Chanel for christmas??? See..I told all my friends you're my dad. I will look terribly foolish if a bag doesnt arrive from you on Christmas.



Ms. Butterfly

Anonymous said...

My daughter will surely love this. And by the way, my daughter's demode fatty beast of a teacher refused to have her class sing your Christmas carols because the other demode parents were apparently "offended". Whatever. But the children, they loved it. Took them a little over a day to memorize all the words. It brings me so much joy when children show promise by being fashionably chic even at a very young age.

But their demode parents are so annoying. And they go to Walmart. Disgusting!

Anonymous said...

Uncle Karl, i forgot to say thank you. I rote the previous post (the one that is named anonymous - what a demode word).



Anonymous said...

Karl, would not you say that paying attention to obsessive "hipsters" is in itself a tad passe?

Bianca M said...
This comment has been removed by the author.