A package

I just got a package from Louis Vuitton. It's in a brown box, with "LV" stamped all over it and what appears to be Marc Jacobs' drool somehow managing to stick to the packaging. How do I know it's Marc's drool, not some employee at Louis Vuitton who's in love with me? Not the postman who delivered this suspicious package? Not my butler who received the package from the postman?
Elementary, my dear vultures. Marc has blue drool. No other person in the world has blue drool.
After a Marc Jacobs show, you might go backstage and find pens that Marc has sucked on covered in blue.

I've not had an assistant open the box yet, of course. I suspect this is some sort of scheme to infiltrate the Lagerfeld lair. I mean, it is a scheme to infiltrate my humble abode. So I am hiding in the closet with Anna and Toshio Iwai, some Japanese artist I found wandering outside my house.
Actually maybe he was just walking past. But I grabbed him with my gloved hands, and said "come inside, young man". And then I put him in my closest and gave him some tea. I have a whole lot of Yohji Yamamoto suits from the days...erm..the days when I was..erm....
Anyway! I gave him some of those as blankets, and he turns out to be a pretty nice guy. So, we had some more tea and Anna sat on the ceiling with Bee, but eventually Bee had to go to a "sleep-over". What is she sleeping over? Anna is rather worried at this.

So now we have called in the bomb squad, who are investigating the package. As is common knowledge in Paris, the bomb squad is owned and paid for by Chanel, hmm? And we sit in this closet. I think I need some new doorhandles for this.

Rei does like her jokes

Rei (Comme des Garcons for the creatures who don't know) did a bag "with" LV. She thinks it's hilarious. So do I. Can't you just see the stupid people totting around with them!

So Marc Jacobs called

So Marc Jacobs called.
I don't answer the phone so I have now had "speaker phones" installed throughout my house, all with the Chanel logo and a self destruct button in place for when I get annoyed by people ringing me up.

Marc was like "Oh, Karl, how is it?" and said that he wanted "to do a collab on a Louis Vuitton project" (the man speaks in italics).

"Oh no I Karl is busy enough, hmmm?"I say.
"uhhh, you know we just put a few options into a hat, and mix them up."
"Yes, I do"
"Why won't you do it then??"
"I don't design like that"
"Hahhahaahahhaha, come on Karl....you must be kidding"
"No."
"You actually design?"
"Yes."
"I thought nobody actually designed these days."
"Hmmmm?"
"You don't use...the hat? Everybody uses the hat!"

One phone is now somewhere in New York. I threw it outside my window. If you have it, email fakekarl at gmail dot com for a fake Chanel dress.

I imagine Marc going "Karl? Karl?? Karl! Hey, I quite like talking to myself."

The Hardships of Being a Designer

No contact what-so-ever from that artist girl who made the Louis Vuitton-Dafur picture. How rude, hmmm? Do you think it's because I'm a fashion designer?

It's hard being me sometimes, I know I look like I'm having an effortless life; but I have to deal with the prejudices against fashion designers that are in the world today.

This, this is as bad as when I when Ashley Olsen ignored me thinking I was just some crazy old man. She didn't know who Karl Lagerfeld is! It was at a dinner and I came up to her, made some witty banter- as I normally do. And she ignored me! She just- continued to talk to some person at her side.
I walked back to the table with Anna "mother knows best" Wintour and Heidi "I like cocaine but yeah no I've never tried it but I like it" Slimane and muttered in French for a while. Anna (oh, she can be so motherly) went over to Ashley and explained who I was. She (Ashley) immediately apologized profusely. (I heard her say to Anna: "I, like, thought he was a creep. Hahaha!" People seem to think I am getting deaf, but I heard it all. Soon after a hideous Chanel suit I designed especially for Ashley was delivered, there's pictures of her wearing it somewhere*.)

I hear my limousine arrive for another party. It is hard being man-god designer these days.

*This is how designers punish people, by designing horrible ugly clothes that people will wear because it's designer. I get a kick out of designing one or two of these items once a year, and laughing at the idiots who buy them. Louis Vuitton, on the other hand, seems to be in the practice of punishing people with every item they make. Good on you, Marc Jacobs.

Louis Vuitton sends in the lawyers

This morning (I never go out of the house in the mornings, it bores me), I was disrupted by a knock on my door. This is bad in itself- knocks on the door are not very Chanel. It could only be an unfashionable person. One of the ugly ones.
They were lawyers.

Dressed head to toe in Louis Vuitton they probably thought they were the yaks knees, as my Mother used to say in the old days (the bad old days). They looked like supermarket bags.

As soon as they enter my drawing room I say, "I am sorry, but I do not wish to buy a used car".
They said: "ahh, we're not used car salesmen. We are from Louis Vuitton, the premier luxury goods maker". "Is this a Louis Vuitton I haven't heard of? " I say. They continue: "We are sure you have heard of us, Karl". They wait for me to reply.

I "um" and "ahhhhh", eventually staring into space. For 30 minutes I do this.
(This usually scares them off, and they make an excuse to leave. Not these ones).

"It's about a blog you wrote about us, Karl".
"Hmm?"
"on April the 26th you wrote on your blog..." (here I cut them off) "please get to the point hm? Your story is boring me".
They stutter.
I take off my Dior homme sunglasses and give them the death stare.
"Gents, I do not have much time to spare, hmmm? Please use the servant's entrance next time."

Lawyers should be only seen and heard in courthouses, hm?

Louis Vuitton

Louis Vuitton is tacky, hmm?
I see awful fatties carrying around Louis Vuitton bags on the streets, and people who obviously can't afford Chanel trying to see fake Louis Vuitton on the sidewalks.
There goes the fatties, I think as they walk past me (and supress my vommit). There's a few fatties in the fashion industry too, you know. At least they're intelligent. But these fatties who are walking past me are stupid fatties because they think that buying a bag that says "LV" makes them fabulous. It's actually become a joke for us designers, hm? Whenever we see someone with a Vuitton bag we have to supress a snicker.

Louis Vuitton is fashion McDonalds, non?

Even Marc Jacobs- the man responsible for these bags at Vuitton laughs at his customers behind their backs. Well. When I say "responsible" I mean he draws a colour, fabric, and pattern randomly out of a hat. It's a very nice hat, mind you. This is the Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton design process at work. He calls it the "sorting hat".

So here is the lesson: Do not come in with a Louis Vuitton bag to a Chanel store (I have instructed security to bounce anyone who tries to), a Fendi store, or anywhere near me.

Love, Karl

ps. the image is by Nadia Plesner. I just told one of my assistants to set up a meeting with her. More on this as it develops.