Friday, July 24, 2009

The Sartorialist is Dirty and Depraved

This Scott Schuman is an awfully short person. I was walking along the street today- I ended up crashing the motorbike into the Dior salon- and an incredibly short man wearing a suit came up to me. "Karl, could I take your photo?" he asked. His eyes were beady- little black ball bearings. He peered up at me like I was some god- as well he should- the top of his face becoming almost horizontal with the ground as he struggled to see me. I said: "who the hell are you?"
The man was taken aback by this. "I, well, I am The Sartorialist" he said. "So you're another one of those superheroes?" said I, "we've got enough of them, you know. We've got Batman, and Superman, and Spiderman (although I think he mostly does office work these days)- all of them. Anyway. What is your magic power?"
"Shouldn't it be super power?" the little man said.
"Whichever- what is it?"
"I can take photos."
"You can take photos! My my my," I said attempting to put on a southern accent whilst sounding like rubber bent around a tree.
"Not just any photos. I take The Sartorialist (TM) photos."
"And what is special about Sartorialist photos?"
"Uh..they're Sartorialist."
"What does Sartorialist actually mean?" quirried I.
"It means I'm a really good photographer."
"Photographry is not a super power unless your name is Nick Knight or something."
"But I'm The Sartorialist," he said. He rather reminded me a petulant five year old speaking to his five year old friend- "but I'm being the fireman today." Or more aptly- "but I'm being Superman today." But in this case, the child really does believe that he is Superman.
"I don't care whether you're The Sartorialist or a sociologist, to be quite frank."
"The Sartorialist: Selected as one of Time magazine's top 100 design influences."
The man actually quoted this- as if quoting something, word for word, will make it true.
"Pray ask, which designers are you influencing?"
"Uhm," he uhm-ed, the h being very audible.
"It was in Time magazine though. It must be true."
At this point Bob Dylan came along and said this:

The littlest photographer seemed not to have been moved. He kept saying, over and over, "But it was in Time magazine, it was in Time, it was in Time."
"You have American Apparel ads on the side of your blog."
He couldn't really reply to that.
"Would you like to come back to my house", he finally said.
"Why would I want to come back to your house?", I said.
"I have...biscuits."
"I don't eat."
"I'll take your my house...we could play dominoes."
"And then maybe we could go for a movie."
"You know Scott, you're a bit of a creep."
"Hello Clarice." He did that Hanibal Lecter tounge thing- where he sort of slurps.
"Dominoes," he said once more.
And then- and then he said this: "I would like to dress you, Karl, in a little schoolboy blazer and take your picture"- I was incredibly creeped out by this, and ended up walking out. Creep.


jenna alice said...

i am sooo happy i'm not the only one who hates the sartorialist!

Kat George said...

This gave me my best lol of the day. Very good. x

Unknown said...

Agreed. Finally something about how much of a wretch he is.

manandboys said...

LOL. but hey. i Love the sartorialist!



cuteboysmakemenervous said...

lol on bob dylan except i would probably hate him if he was that guy right now...i like him in the past

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and love this post (and your writing). I love that video too. So great.

Taylor said...

lol funny post. glad I found your blog, I love your writing. xx

Unknown said...

Bahahahahahahahahah. American Apparel. You made my day. Seriously, Karl.

Unknown said...

I think you didn't get it right... you were talking to THE SARTORIALIST! You know? Selected as one of Time magazine's top 100 design influences!!

Ps: Dominoes at MY place!

Anonymous said...

omg thats so funny-nice blog-so r u trying to say that you dont really like the sartorialist if im right?lol

NT said...

Scott Schuman is a clown.
Bob Dylan speaks like a fool. (just listen...)

And I thought Karl was....
But he's a pretty damn good writer!

I V Y said...

LOL haha very nice

K said...

In a resent iterview he managed to state as follows:

You look fit – just not big like a quarterback.

"I'm pretty good at the sex. And pretty good at picture taking. That's about it. Garance is pretty happy. And the hotel-room neighbours are pretty pissed. You can write that; that's totally fine with me.

You want people to know you're good in bed?
"Yeah. Yeah. "

Unknown said...

A hahaha, my god so true!

Em said...

hahahaha, really funny ! dominoes, haha.

ChinChin said...
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Anonymous said...

Haha, funny considering that the Sartorialist took a photo of Karl Lagerfeld for his blog back in 2008:

Anonymous said...
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Lucy said...

This post made me laugh so hard. Thank you for making my day/month! Also, you are very right about the Sartorialist being short - he is lacking a little something in the height department. That being said, I still enjoy his blog.

Timeless Chic said...

I guess that's right.... he is very self conscious, he would only post the commets that praise his work....I can tell you that much

Eduardo said...

Haha hilarious and brilliant!,
I totally agree,
thats why I started the Fake Sartorialist :)

Skweekah said...

You are not The Sartorialist.

Eduardo said...

How observant. Maybe the FAKE in front of the name was too hard to read.

Karl Lagerfeld said...

I wonder what other intriguing observations you have to offer, Skweekah. I take it that you are a very good reader, seeing as it says "Karl" under who wrote this post. You must spend hours studying reading every night to reach conclusions like this, hm?

Hunter said...

Well done, Mr. Lagerfeld. I'm still laughing!

Unknown said...

you are simply mean.