Sunday, June 7, 2009

About those Rumors

So. Recently, there were some rumors from a certain Diane Pernet that I was leaving Chanel. I was notified about the rumor when I was supervising the construction of my treehouse over at Gramercy Park. I had an assistant look up who this Diane Pernet is.
Me: Who is this Pernet person?
Assistant: The one who wears black veils and all that. Dark glasses. Copies your style, with dark glasses and all.
Me: Oh, I like her voice.
Assistant: Should narrate movies.
Me: Since when did a stock character come up with suggestions like that?
Assistant: Uhh..
Me: It's okay. You weren't aware that you were a character. Just breaking the fourth wall again.
Assistant: You always do that.
Me: Now you're getting it! Anyway, we're annoyed with Pernet.

I was rather bemused with this woman. I am immortal, and Chanel is my bride. I'm Karl Otto Lagerfeld. Why would I ever stop working?

Me: She said that Alber would take over my position.
Assistant: But Alber's Lanvin.
Me: Exactly. It's like's like trying to wear an untailored suit.
Assistant: Square pegs in round holes.
Me: Why're you putting square pegs into round holes?
Assistant: I don't really know..
Me: It seems a pointless task. Why are people putting pegs into holes anyway?
Assistant: It's a metaphor, I think.
Me: It's just unimaginable.

Anyway, we ("we" being Chanel) issued a statement denying this horrible and perplexing rumor. I just felt like writing a post to express my confusion at this sort of rumor- it's just impossible. You might as well claim that I'm a woman, all models are obese. Really, I am Karl Lagerfeld. I don't care how good your sources are, Ms. Pernet. I'm the only one to design Chanel. I'm not dying anytime. Being retired is boring- have you seen Valentino? I do believe that your "shaded view of fashion" is so shaded you can barely see anything anymore, hmm? In any case, the rumor interrupted my construction of the treehouse. And I love the smell of building sites.


Anonymous said...

Is this is the real Karl Lagerfeld, or somebody else pretending to be the embodiment of his persona???

Ezra said...

youre not going anywhere!

Anonymous said...

Uncle karl u just cant leave us here without the everloveleywanted Chanel bags!!!!!!!!

U just better f*** me in the eye with the chanelgunsandel..



Kari said...

Karl, did you know that matthew williamson almost never do sketching/outlines? He just tell his assistants to do it. So you work hard and good. no wonder chanel is the best.

kari (i love my three first letters)

Anonymous said...

You once said you had not f***ed for years because it is a distraction for working. Why wouldn´t you have sex and stop working? And it is not like a job, it is a religion, you are the creed: no you, no religion. People should get informed before talking, or they can end up being so demode.
With all my joy.

ryan said...

Chanel S.A., commonly known as Chanel (/ʃəˈnɛl/), is a Parisian fashion house founded by the late couturier Coco Chanel.

manandboys said...

yer a so gon stay. stay fierce. stay fabulous. stay in anything fierce

Lorena Janise said...

You definitely couldn't "retire" from such a fabulous fashion house. The entire fashion industry would crash without you. If you left, we all might as well start wearing cardboard boxes.

I'd like to thank you for your inspiration to keep designing. I am a 14-year-old designer who designs an unknown line of my own called Sesphie. It's still on paper, but once I decide to bring my creations to life, I'll see how far it can go.

Your loyal fan,

Lorena Janise

PC said...

"Is this is the real Karl Lagerfeld, or somebody else pretending to be the embodiment of his persona???"

Not the first one. (And it's not in the spirit of parody anymore if posts like this is are being deleted.) Seriously, this blog needs a disclaimer.