Monday, December 14, 2009

There Is No Time (B is for Budgets)

This year, I have cut back from having four butlers to only two. I got rid of everything gold that I own, and replaced it with silver. I’ve only bought three hundred and sixty two suits, almost half of what I’d purchased in the same time period last year. I have been cutting back! This is what I do in a so-called recession: I budget. All this bling is vulgar- modesty is the new chic. Can you imagine what it’s like to only have two butlers? It’s simply horrible- I can’t have four separate drinks of diet Coke at the exact same time (I don’t trust assistants with my drinks of diet Coke, they’re a different breed of creature entirely.) Yet I am cutting back in order to survive in these difficult times.

An economist would tell you that a “budget” is a plan in which you lay out how you are going to spend your money. In my opinion, economists have less value when it comes to economics than a drunk in a bar. They’re paid liars. Actors are also paid liars, but with actors even the dimmest dullard from the public knows that the actor is simply acting- it appears that many people don’t know that the economist is acting. I suppose if you’re going to put your trust in these economics, one might as well put their trust into actors. Extend that to celebrities and one ends up with what half the celebrities of the world are doing: asking people to put their trust into them. This Bono and his concerts for the people in Africa, for example. And all these other charities with celebrity spokespeople. The only thing vaguely related to charity I support is road safety in France, and that’s because it’s very unattractive when someone is splashed all over the road.
Anyway, I define budget as something rather wider- I include socialising and whatnot, too. For instance I didn’t bother to go to the Met Ball this year (in New York), because I am budgeting my company- my charm- my social life. I don’t like talking to bores anyway, so it’s an excuse to get out of things one does not like:
“Hello Karl, would you like to come to our social event?”
“No. I am limiting my socialising this year because of the recession.”
“Oh! The recession, the recession…so awful…imagine how poor old Louis Vuitton feels about this recession! Can’t be good for his back pocket…”
“Louis Vuitton is a brand. The person is dead.”
“Oh. Fab!”

8 comments:

Echydo said...

EPIC!

Anna said...

Hahahaha love it every time again (:

Bluefemme said...

This post made me smile. I love it!

snoblak said...

road safety as a cause!! LOL. but seriously the way some of these celebrities go on about causes makes me sick. Take for Instance January 2010's Harper's Bazaar with Scarlet J. In one photo she is in a £5,000 Balmain skirt with an "AFRICA" tee from GAP £15. She is working with Bono on causes...blah blah. Western world shut the fuck up already. Thanks to these economists the starving Ethiopian kid has to budget as well in his SS 2010 ad campaign on how to look "vulnerable & anorexic chic" for when Bono shows up.

anonymous girl said...

I admire your writing. Delightful.

Liliana P. said...

You're totally right, Vive la modestie!

Marsha said...

Actors act, and economists are meant to economise. Except that they failed at the task.

Which is why they're fat.

Lady E said...

Road kill is simply not charming...