Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Back from the Ashes

I really do wonder if many of you can read. I write in English most of the time, and I gather most of you speak English- so one would hope that you can all read the entries on this blog. Yet, a few of you apperently cannot read English, as evidenced by delightful comments such as "this doesn't sound like you" in reference to Bob Dylan's post. Of course Bob Dylan does not sound like me, because I am not Bob Dylan. Obviously someone cannot read bylines.

Yet another "reader" said that I wrote a poem about Rei Kawakubo a long time ago. Again, there is this wonderful thing called "bylines", which if you had bothered to read you'd realize the poem was by Rei Kawakubo. Golly goose. Are you all morons? How do you even breath, hmm?

Thank you to You Know Who I Am for her comment. I love you too, dear. Even if you're also creepy (and have tourettes). And thank you to Ronald and R- is there something about the R's today? Your comments entertained me.

So! Where have I been? I've been busy with a swan, to be honest. I'm sure you've all read my quote about how a swan captured me- I think one of those British newspapers published it, I don't really pay attention to their names. I pay attention to how they smell.
Anyway, after I talked about the evil swan who captured me as a child, I decided to go find that swan. I went back to Germany and went to the pond where that swan lived, and there it was- white and mean looking. It must've been 80 years old by then, yet it was still alive. It glared at me. I glared back. It glared harder. I glared even harder, until I realized that he probably couldn't see my glare very well since I was wearing my dark sunglasses. I took off my sunglasses.

"It's young Karl!" the swan exclaimed.
"It's you," I said.
"Where are your lederhosen, Karlie?" the swan said, in that silver-white voice of his.
"I do not wear lederhosen! I wear suits!" said I.
The swan leered at me.
"What business do you have here, young boy?" said the swan.
"First of all, I am not a young boy anymore. I am certainly not old, yet I'm not this young boy you are talking out. I don't even like children. They're obnoxious. I have a daughter, you know. What sort of young boy has a daughter? Apart from those in the British tabloids, of course. She's chic like me. And she's not a swan."
"I would hope not", says the swan haughtily; his head held high above the water.
"How have you been?"
"Not bad- but it's such a horror- every time a swan dies, they play a swan song. It is always the same one. The one by Saint-Saëns- on cello. All weepy and so on."
"I know the one."
"It simply gets repetitive- frankly, I loath the fact that Saint-Saëns wrote the piece in the first place! Before that swans just died like normal creatures- no music or anything. Then that dreadful man wrote that dreadful piece of music."
"I'm not a big Saint-Saëns fan myself."
"Oh, if you were I, you'd want to hunt the man down and throttle him with your beak."
"He was very clever though, no?"
"Oh yes- virtuoso kind of music. Violin concerto, organ symphony, and so on. But so emotionless. I mean, that's the only music swans play- Saint-Saëns. I do wish for...something else."
"Mozart?"
"Sounds the same."
"Schubert?"
"Non, non!"
"You're meant to be a German swan."
"Ja"
"Why not Schubert?"
"Too many fat German ladies sing him."
"Paganini?"
"Show off."
"Ysaye?"
"Belgian."
"Beethoven?"
"Oh dear...I actually rather like Beethoven. Drat."
"What were we talking about anyway?"
"Don't worry about it, you're only a guest star."

In other news, I've been recording vocals- sounds like I'm a singer- for the "Totally Spies!" movie. I play the villain. I thought to myself "Now Karl, if I were a 12 year old French girl, would I like this movie?" The answer was "no", because I'm better than everybody else, but maybe if I was normal. Actually, maybe not, but I did it anyway. I like villains, who doesn't? They get better outfits.

7 comments:

Shaka said...

can't wait for the film
i know you will no disapoint

shaka said...

can't wait for the film
i know you will not disappoint

Efraimsdatter said...

You make my day.


Love,
Kari (the wannabe secretary at rue cambon)

isabel said...

Your blog posts delight me.

My New Favourite Thing said...

I can see you as a cameo villain in the new Bond.

JorgeBR said...

Oh greatfull Karl, I´m so glad to be around again... I´ve been away from your blog for a while and now I realize I´ve lost so much time... Evil characters are the best ones... I want to be the villain in every film, not because i have no soul, it´s because soul is kept under fulltime security, 10 keys, a 7 digits code and two skinny model who would bite everyone who tryes to get it out.
Anyway, I hope this time the villain wins... although I know the hero has no chances.

Madeline said...

"Ysave?"
"Belgian."

Swans hate Belgians.