So. Recently, there were some rumors from a certain Diane Pernet that I was leaving Chanel. I was notified about the rumor when I was supervising the construction of my treehouse over at Gramercy Park. I had an assistant look up who this Diane Pernet is.
Me: Who is this Pernet person?
Assistant: The one who wears black veils and all that. Dark glasses. Copies your style, with dark glasses and all.
Me: Oh, I like her voice.
Assistant: Should narrate movies.
Me: Since when did a stock character come up with suggestions like that?
Me: It's okay. You weren't aware that you were a character. Just breaking the fourth wall again.
Assistant: You always do that.
Me: Now you're getting it! Anyway, we're annoyed with Pernet.
I was rather bemused with this woman. I am immortal, and Chanel is my bride. I'm Karl Otto Lagerfeld. Why would I ever stop working?
Me: She said that Alber would take over my position.
Assistant: But Alber's Lanvin.
Me: Exactly. It's like saying...it's like trying to wear an untailored suit.
Assistant: Square pegs in round holes.
Me: Why're you putting square pegs into round holes?
Assistant: I don't really know..
Me: It seems a pointless task. Why are people putting pegs into holes anyway?
Assistant: It's a metaphor, I think.
Me: It's just unimaginable.
Anyway, we ("we" being Chanel) issued a statement denying this horrible and perplexing rumor. I just felt like writing a post to express my confusion at this sort of rumor- it's just impossible. You might as well claim that I'm a woman, all models are obese. Really, I am Karl Lagerfeld. I don't care how good your sources are, Ms. Pernet. I'm the only one to design Chanel. I'm not dying anytime. Being retired is boring- have you seen Valentino? I do believe that your "shaded view of fashion" is so shaded you can barely see anything anymore, hmm? In any case, the rumor interrupted my construction of the treehouse. And I love the smell of building sites.