Chanel Treehouse

Last night (or in the morning if you're that way inclined), I started directing my assistant to "tweet" to Madame Julia Frakes- I dictated, of course. We planned a Chanel treehouse- which will be white, and quilted. The following is a transcript from those "tweets." (Yes, Uncle is up-with-the-play! I am "tweeting" like the chic kids, hmm?).

fakekarl I'm going to build a Chanel treehouse, it will be white and have a quilted roof. Care to join me @bunnyBISOUS?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes! Is Zaha Hadid consulting? Otherwise it may be couture quality- but topple faster than models in Miuccia's fall '09 heels!
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes, Zaha is consulting! It may have hot air balloons attached
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl How incroyable- and so Uppity! What shall be the capacity? We must compile our guest lists! It will be nouveau Prada DoubleClub!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl What kind of vibe did you have in mind? Shall it be like your Paris bookstore & be our planned book club locale? Or more Regine-y?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS A capacity that's rather intimate- only a few of the chicest people in the world. Who will you invite?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Oh, bookclub-ish. Music not so loud one can't speak! We will meet there for the bookclub, yes. And fly around the trees!
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Perhaps we can build it across rue from 50GP- v. private under lock&key in Gramercy Park tree. Maybe Ian Schrager can consult too?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes! It can be just across from my place at Gramercy park...near you, too. Perfect.
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Sounds sublime! BTW, old but ADORE http://bit.ly/dOvUt. Now about that guest list... who do you think? Shall Brad man the ladder?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Brad? Brad who? Brad is no more, but I can't remember the name of the new one. Hmph, the cut won't be invited! I am not one of
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS these "hipsters", hmm? I am beyond. I'd like to invite my nieces, obviously, your cousin, Bob Dylan, Connie, Leonard Cohen..
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS ..The usual. And who would you like to invite? Woody Allen? Larry David?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes: @AskMrMickey, Sarah @coletteparis, Lynn Yaeger, Olivier @purplediary, @henryholland, @dreelovechild, @fiercegrandma...
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Who else? @leithclark, @jaxwheeler, @vfillolcordier, Luke & @MissKellyO, @karlie_kloss, @ITSJEREMYSCOTT, @MeenalMistry, @mwtsnx...
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Wonderful list. I can't wait for it to be built! Add @lavendrdisastr to the list too, as well as my daughter & @ArchiveSociety
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl & now on to circumventing silly red tape compliments of the Trustees of Gramercy Park! In the meantime, shall we daydream details?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Mmhm. Where to start? Which books? Colours, lights, interiors?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl The phrase "building castles in the air" seems especially ad rem. Or rather-"treehouses". Ideas on lighting, furniture, DJs, food?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS chairs, tables? food (that place you frequent- one lucky duck?) (not that I eat)

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes! @PureFoodandWine is only 1 block away! Plus they cater http://bit.ly/7a0jJ >parties. Hm,anyone have inspiration proposals?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Maybe some candles, hm? Maybe Zaha could design furniture? Live bands as well as as DJs- DJ Rei?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Rei CdG! Or perhaps @AndrewAndrew, @THEMISSHAPES, @samantharonson, @alexa_chung, @STAGEMOMZ, @MikeNouveau, @HarleyJustice can DJ?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes, Rei CdG! And Yohji has his band, if he's not shy. And all those you mentioned..I might even do some rapping!

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Heh, treehouses in the air indeed (now I'm thinking of Le Mis..Castle, clouds). Warm lighting- which designer?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl I forget who designed this fixture in my bedroom, but it seems especially apt for treehouse? http://yfrog.com/5koh9j
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS It's rather brilliant, isn't it? Could have vines running throughout the treehouse; on all the lamps and lights, hm?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Achitecturewise, a few notions: http://bit.ly/xuOqG Which do you prefer? I like Kobayashi & Duke North.! Feider & Sybarite= very Zaha
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS I'm quite taken by Kobayashi! It's very natural. How about art for the walls and such?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Hm... if Ian is consulting, perhaps in keeping with GPH? Schnabel, Warhol, Basquiat, Hirst, Richard Prince, Haring, Klee, Rothko?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Mm, also Richard Colman. Hm..what other details?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Colman, for sure! Perhaps Picasso too? Should we have an "executive committee" of members? A co-op of your contributors, perhaps?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Mm, Picasso too. Throw some Klimt in there too. An executive committee; wonderful- I have Rei on the phone now
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS And furniture! Suggestions? Comfy, not modern, yet not old. Hm
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Furniture – well the hotel has lots of Martin Baas http://bit.ly/14eJS7 – but as treehouse, added antiques + John Derian curios?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS We'll go antique shopping once you're back in NY (in London now?), yes?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Sounds like a plan. Thankfully – and exceedingly conveniently – ABC http://bit.ly/sm26p is literally one block away!

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Rei bangs her gong. And how perfect about ABC! We can just float over there, powered by hot air (balloons)!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl J'adore! This pie in the sky pipedream of amazing magnitude is ever more stupefying! Let's keep rolling – who shall man ladder?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Hmmm, man ladder- Baptiste? http://bit.ly/2YdmZs Who for maitre d'?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl I forgot about Maitre d'! Perhaps Abbe Diaz?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Divine! I just realized- how will people climb into the treehouse w/ their Viviers & such? Heels can cause quite a ladder palaver!
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes, fantastic. A doorman? Who for doorman? He must be able to wear Austrian doorman's jackets convincingly
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Maybe they will need to swing on a rope-Tarzan style to get to the treehouse.
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Or if they're wearing THOSE Prada shoes, they'll already be at the treehouse!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh golly– the dreaded S/S '09rs! http://bit.ly/fPN4l Apropos of nothing, I think we've seriously confused followers w/ treehouse!
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Heels will soon be designed by architects of skyscrapers; come reinforced with steel. and yes, we have. how chic!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl My fave architectural YSL Eiffel Tower heels may do the trick in that dept.! (not veg - a gift) http://yfrog.com/5epnoj
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS You'll have to wear those to the first treehouse bookclub meeting! Which bands to play?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Perhaps Baptiste can swing w/ patrons? Along way we can snap their photos together (like a roller coaster pic)? What photographer?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS The bookclub rollarcoaster! Nick Knight?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Brill! Or in keeping with treehouse aesthetic, perhaps Tim Walker or Wendy Bevan? Though Daniel Jackson is a ball to shoot w/!
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Although since this is a club, Mark (Cobrasnake)? If I were a more dishonorable bunny, I'd suggest bribing patrons w/ bad photos
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Have all four photographers! Position them at different parts of the treehouse, like a crack security squad, hm?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Golly Coco, why not 10 photographers? Mark included. And patrons' bad photos will go into top-secret files, for.....security,no?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes! And perhaps we can eventually make a book of said photos (when it dies down) like http://bit.ly/MJN8T?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS A book and maybe even an exhibition, mm? Have a resident artist sketching away in the treehouse

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Which bands to play?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Lissy Trullie http://bit.ly/17RzVq or Citizens Band could be a ball! Or my BFF @rachelantonoff's brother Jack's band @steeltrain!

Ratched

I don't know how other designers live with themselves between collections. Most designers, you see, don't do as much work as I and only have collections to design. I just don't understand that. Don't they get bored?

Anyway, today was April fools in some parts of the world. I designed an entire collection and gave it to the seamstresses, who diligently made it. I then said "April fools!" once they had made sufficient progress. I laughed. "Ha ha ha."

Anna and I- we haven't talked for a while, actually. I've got a new replacement for Brad, you see, and I've been trying to learn his name. Well, not really. I'll learn it one day. For now he answers to "Brad."
As for Brad, he went into real estate. Because that's what people do when they become fat and ugly; ISN'T IT BRAD.
So Brad does not exist anymore. Does anybody remember Trotsky? Not in Soviet Russia! Because Trotsky never existed. I do love Stalin's system of airbrushing people out of history. Who knew they had photoshop then?

But as I was saying, Anna and I haven't talked for a while. For April fools, we decided to go into the Prada store and order 100 of those wader things Cathy (Horyn) is so fond of.
The Prada store works like any other fast food outlet- KFC, Taco Bell, and so on. The product is prepared when purchased. There's a sweatshop full of Indian and Chinese children behind the facade of clothes and shoes. Behind those paper thin walls, Mrs. Prada cracks a whip as she stalks the sweat-stained wooden room; kicking the chains of the little children that prepare Anna and I's waders. A fisherman stands in the corner, cackling evilly on his pipe and dressed in fish skin. He's Mrs. Prada's new lover, and he gave her the idea of waders.
Once the waders were prepared, Anna said "Oh...no. I don't think we want those now."
We walked out. There is now a large pile of one hundred waders sitting in the New York Prada flagship store. No doubt they'll sell them to stupid people tomorrow.

In other news, happy birthday to Jules, my most favourite bunny of every bunny ever.

Full of Mirth

This is hilarious.

I was trying very hard to not laugh.  I guess everyone must have thought I was bipolar, because I kept alternating between glaring at the fat black man I fired ages ago and laughing at the models falling all over themselves.

I particularly enjoy the comments at the link above.  My assistant kept reading them out loud and I was laughing so hard I fell out of my chair twice.  I may have also been the gin and tonics, but I am pretty sure it was the comments.  And since I've been so mirthful lately, I need to make it up by eviscerating a few of the commenters.

'I was SHOCKED at the skinniness of some of the models (Yulia Carmack) at the Prada show.  Those girls look ill and designers should not be encouraging sick models.  Such an outrage.  - Katie'

Katie - 

Kindly lose twelve pounds immediately.  I can feel your fat face staring at my assistant who is reading your comment to me.  And I would like to define comment in your case as misguided and uninformed idiocy.  Who cares if Miuccia likes them skinny?  This reeks of bitterness - were you not picked to walk at your Barbi... Barblizon... Babizone...  (you know, that fake money-laundering 'modeling school') graduation in 5th grade?  Poor dear.

'Hey Prada - why no black women or Asian women or Hispanic women? Is the entire world full of white, blonde size zero women?  I didn't think so. - Chicagoexhile'

Chicagoexhile (spell 'exile' right for Karl's sake) -

Really?  I had no idea.  My world is full of size zero women.  White and blonde notwithstanding - there are plenty of tan brunettes around Vogue.  Miuccia is a former Communist, dear.  She loves uniformity.  And it's not chic to be politically correct all the time.  It's called stirring the pot, I believe.

And with that, I must get back to stirring my gin and tonic.  I do love Tanqueray - it brings out my viper tongue.

Hissssssssssss.

Milan

Anna and I are in Milan, and Yves is disguised as a large moving piece of luggage (yes, he does read Terry Pratchett).
Went to the Jil Sander show. How pretentious can one be? No no- pretentious is not the word- the word is how basic can one be, and still be considered "genius". "It was a minimalist affair, no? Minimalism with frills. Anna was upset because Andre showed up. Yes, the Andre from Vogue that I fired. What was he doing there? She spent half the show giving him the evils.

Prada was hilarious. The heels! Brilliant. Finally the Prada women has learnt how to be funny. Maybe we shall invite her to the portable closest we've set up here. I spotted the models wearing the Karl t-shirts. So far, no undesirables have purchased the t-shirts- I've instructed Anna to throw acid on any that do.

(Spent the Jil Sander show watching the battle between Anna and Andre actually. I guess someone looked at the clothes)

Christian Siriano

Christian Siriano. Your clothes hurt my eyes. Please stop.
Maybe Chanel will have to buy Project Runway, and stop it producing more awful designers....designers that create litter.

The 80s.
The 80s!!!!!!!

It truly is traumatizing.Vampires don't wear those sort of clothes. I know.

Rei's actually here with Anna, and they both just vomited.Waltz like a bat Karl...waltz like a bat. It'll all be alright.

So demode.

I'm going to sketch. I think that Prada women is outside scavenging through my bins....

Stalkers and Prada

Yestderday I flew back to Paris to evade Rachel Zoe. She began throwing rocks at my window, and then started singing a love song. Very badly. Outside, attempting to play guitar.

Now I'm in my house in the closet having tea with Anna, and it appears I have another stalker: Victoria Beckham.

She's banging, banging on my door. Screaming in that little faux-British accent (I know she's British. But the British are simply more chic that her, hmmmm?): "KARL! KARL LET ME IN! I LOVE YOU NOT MARC!"

I shall have to do something about this. I'm telling an assistant to ring Marc but Marc isn't replying. Doesn't Victoria have a husband or something? She's demode- that's what Anna and I are saying over our tea and (Chanel stamped) biscuits.
Anna: Oh, she is so demode
Me: I know hmm?
Anna: Oh, I spoke to some interns the other day. For that magazine I do.
Me: Oh?
Anna: Hilarious. The bowing, Karl, the bowing.
Me: I hate interns. So demode.

I'm sorry- actually I'm not. But I have to go anyway since that horrible homeless Prada person is ringing. "She's intellectual" I hear the voice of the so-called fashion critics. No, she simply steals homeless people's clothes and clothes out of those bins that you put your old clothes into.