K and J

J: So Karl, what does Cathy think about the totes you designed for the NY Times T magazine?
K: I'm going to make her a tablecloth with the same design on it, for her to put her bacon pies on.
J: Brilliant! And have you tried any of her bacon pies?
K: Non.
J: They're quite the favourite among the..er...farmer sector.
K: Well, I am not a farmer. Even with the Vermont property..
J: And how's that going?
K: I enjoy going there feeling superior to the wildlife. You see, it's fine to feel superior to the fashion wildlife- I already am, anyway, and everyone knows it. But it's another thing to feel superior to Vermont wildlife.

Interview with Julia on the Couture Collection

Julia (Frakes) and I were seated together at dinner recently- actually, it was the dinner hosted by the Venus de Milo. Dinner parties hosted by statues are all the rage in Paris at the moment.
Anyway, it was after the couture show; after that interview with Cathy "Ohio" Horyn where she kept going "mm" every five seconds and laugh deeply, like a man. She reminds me a little of my father, who was about two hundred and sixy four when my mother gave birth to me. It was later in the night when I was talking to Julia- we were alone, because everybody else had either passed out or died (which is effectively passing out anyway, just for a tad longer.)

So Julia ended up interviewing me about the couture show, and the interview's been posted here, at the Paper magazine website, as per usual. I suggest you read it.

Chanel Treehouse

Last night (or in the morning if you're that way inclined), I started directing my assistant to "tweet" to Madame Julia Frakes- I dictated, of course. We planned a Chanel treehouse- which will be white, and quilted. The following is a transcript from those "tweets." (Yes, Uncle is up-with-the-play! I am "tweeting" like the chic kids, hmm?).

fakekarl I'm going to build a Chanel treehouse, it will be white and have a quilted roof. Care to join me @bunnyBISOUS?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes! Is Zaha Hadid consulting? Otherwise it may be couture quality- but topple faster than models in Miuccia's fall '09 heels!
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes, Zaha is consulting! It may have hot air balloons attached
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl How incroyable- and so Uppity! What shall be the capacity? We must compile our guest lists! It will be nouveau Prada DoubleClub!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl What kind of vibe did you have in mind? Shall it be like your Paris bookstore & be our planned book club locale? Or more Regine-y?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS A capacity that's rather intimate- only a few of the chicest people in the world. Who will you invite?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Oh, bookclub-ish. Music not so loud one can't speak! We will meet there for the bookclub, yes. And fly around the trees!
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Perhaps we can build it across rue from 50GP- v. private under lock&key in Gramercy Park tree. Maybe Ian Schrager can consult too?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes! It can be just across from my place at Gramercy park...near you, too. Perfect.
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Sounds sublime! BTW, old but ADORE http://bit.ly/dOvUt. Now about that guest list... who do you think? Shall Brad man the ladder?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Brad? Brad who? Brad is no more, but I can't remember the name of the new one. Hmph, the cut won't be invited! I am not one of
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS these "hipsters", hmm? I am beyond. I'd like to invite my nieces, obviously, your cousin, Bob Dylan, Connie, Leonard Cohen..
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS ..The usual. And who would you like to invite? Woody Allen? Larry David?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes: @AskMrMickey, Sarah @coletteparis, Lynn Yaeger, Olivier @purplediary, @henryholland, @dreelovechild, @fiercegrandma...
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Who else? @leithclark, @jaxwheeler, @vfillolcordier, Luke & @MissKellyO, @karlie_kloss, @ITSJEREMYSCOTT, @MeenalMistry, @mwtsnx...
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Wonderful list. I can't wait for it to be built! Add @lavendrdisastr to the list too, as well as my daughter & @ArchiveSociety
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl & now on to circumventing silly red tape compliments of the Trustees of Gramercy Park! In the meantime, shall we daydream details?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Mmhm. Where to start? Which books? Colours, lights, interiors?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl The phrase "building castles in the air" seems especially ad rem. Or rather-"treehouses". Ideas on lighting, furniture, DJs, food?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS chairs, tables? food (that place you frequent- one lucky duck?) (not that I eat)

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes! @PureFoodandWine is only 1 block away! Plus they cater http://bit.ly/7a0jJ >parties. Hm,anyone have inspiration proposals?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Maybe some candles, hm? Maybe Zaha could design furniture? Live bands as well as as DJs- DJ Rei?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Rei CdG! Or perhaps @AndrewAndrew, @THEMISSHAPES, @samantharonson, @alexa_chung, @STAGEMOMZ, @MikeNouveau, @HarleyJustice can DJ?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes, Rei CdG! And Yohji has his band, if he's not shy. And all those you mentioned..I might even do some rapping!

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Heh, treehouses in the air indeed (now I'm thinking of Le Mis..Castle, clouds). Warm lighting- which designer?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl I forget who designed this fixture in my bedroom, but it seems especially apt for treehouse? http://yfrog.com/5koh9j
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS It's rather brilliant, isn't it? Could have vines running throughout the treehouse; on all the lamps and lights, hm?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Achitecturewise, a few notions: http://bit.ly/xuOqG Which do you prefer? I like Kobayashi & Duke North.! Feider & Sybarite= very Zaha
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS I'm quite taken by Kobayashi! It's very natural. How about art for the walls and such?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Hm... if Ian is consulting, perhaps in keeping with GPH? Schnabel, Warhol, Basquiat, Hirst, Richard Prince, Haring, Klee, Rothko?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Mm, also Richard Colman. Hm..what other details?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Colman, for sure! Perhaps Picasso too? Should we have an "executive committee" of members? A co-op of your contributors, perhaps?

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Mm, Picasso too. Throw some Klimt in there too. An executive committee; wonderful- I have Rei on the phone now
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS And furniture! Suggestions? Comfy, not modern, yet not old. Hm
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Furniture – well the hotel has lots of Martin Baas http://bit.ly/14eJS7 – but as treehouse, added antiques + John Derian curios?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS We'll go antique shopping once you're back in NY (in London now?), yes?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Sounds like a plan. Thankfully – and exceedingly conveniently – ABC http://bit.ly/sm26p is literally one block away!

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Rei bangs her gong. And how perfect about ABC! We can just float over there, powered by hot air (balloons)!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl J'adore! This pie in the sky pipedream of amazing magnitude is ever more stupefying! Let's keep rolling – who shall man ladder?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Hmmm, man ladder- Baptiste? http://bit.ly/2YdmZs Who for maitre d'?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl I forgot about Maitre d'! Perhaps Abbe Diaz?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Divine! I just realized- how will people climb into the treehouse w/ their Viviers & such? Heels can cause quite a ladder palaver!
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Yes, fantastic. A doorman? Who for doorman? He must be able to wear Austrian doorman's jackets convincingly
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Maybe they will need to swing on a rope-Tarzan style to get to the treehouse.
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Or if they're wearing THOSE Prada shoes, they'll already be at the treehouse!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh golly– the dreaded S/S '09rs! http://bit.ly/fPN4l Apropos of nothing, I think we've seriously confused followers w/ treehouse!
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Heels will soon be designed by architects of skyscrapers; come reinforced with steel. and yes, we have. how chic!

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl My fave architectural YSL Eiffel Tower heels may do the trick in that dept.! (not veg - a gift) http://yfrog.com/5epnoj
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS You'll have to wear those to the first treehouse bookclub meeting! Which bands to play?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Perhaps Baptiste can swing w/ patrons? Along way we can snap their photos together (like a roller coaster pic)? What photographer?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS The bookclub rollarcoaster! Nick Knight?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Brill! Or in keeping with treehouse aesthetic, perhaps Tim Walker or Wendy Bevan? Though Daniel Jackson is a ball to shoot w/!
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Although since this is a club, Mark (Cobrasnake)? If I were a more dishonorable bunny, I'd suggest bribing patrons w/ bad photos
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Have all four photographers! Position them at different parts of the treehouse, like a crack security squad, hm?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Golly Coco, why not 10 photographers? Mark included. And patrons' bad photos will go into top-secret files, for.....security,no?
bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Oh yes! And perhaps we can eventually make a book of said photos (when it dies down) like http://bit.ly/MJN8T?
fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS A book and maybe even an exhibition, mm? Have a resident artist sketching away in the treehouse

fakekarl@bunnyBISOUS Which bands to play?

bunnyBISOUS@fakekarl Lissy Trullie http://bit.ly/17RzVq or Citizens Band could be a ball! Or my BFF @rachelantonoff's brother Jack's band @steeltrain!

Anna Wintour has a wine (or two), or: the Met Gala

This terribly demode Met Gala was held once again, a couple of days ago. It's Anna's little party, though I overheard a little bird wondering whether Anna has gone lesbian; what with the model as muse theme and all. Of course, that's if we define "model" and "muse" by excluding those more unconventional muses- Rebecca Alperin, those of Yohji, Rei, and so on- eventually we end up with a very glamorous...barn of sticks who appear to be impersonating drag queens. So it's unfair to say Anna is a lesbian- she obviously has a thing for drag queens, which is fine. Very J.G Ballardian.

I did not go to the Gala because I don't like parties as a rule. I am not a party person. I am more of a by-myself person. However, I feel that the Gala has outstayed the welcome fashion throws out to it: it is becoming the Fondue Party of this decade. Frankly, the only interesting thing about this ball was mon amour, Jules- she wore a dress by me. Fendi, spring/summer, 2009- look 35 I believe. I got the telegram from her around last month requesting a dress. I tried to convince her that maybe it wouldn't be the best idea; that these balls and galas are terribly demode now; it's incredibly vulgar to stage something like this when people are losing jobs, no? Not just any jobs, but the jobs of seamstresses! If there's anybody almost as important as a designer, it's a seamstress. I was just outside the Chanel headquarters the other day as a seamstress sat homeless on the street, her dress like rags and her eyes a vortex of blazing desperation. I laughed at her, because it was I that fired her. I'm only worried about the good seamstresses.

My driver drove me past the gala, once. We were going out for a late night high-collar feast and people stalking session anyway. Now if this was Yves, we'd be hearing about "Oh how I regret not going to this ball of balls!" I, on the other hand, was stuck by the circus that appeared to be congregating outside- what appeared to be a large yellow bird was smoking a cigarette. I heard snippets of conversation: "Where do you insert a tampon?", "Do you think he's straight?", "I heard Alaia had an affair with Anna."

Oh yes, Alaia! Readers of other media will note that Mr. Alaia pulled out of this little ball. Commentors on say, Cathy Horyn's blog have been positvly enraged by this! Yes, because a designer pulling out of a meaningless ball is very enraging! My Chanel, I feel my ice cold blood rising a degree. Nevermind that our Mr. Alaia is a noted prima-donna (much more than Nigel Barker is a noted fashion photographer) , and what probably happened was someone insulted his shoes. You know, a lot of people praise Alaia, calling him a genius and such. Nevermind most of them haven't seen Alaia's work; he's, like, a totally important designer! It's mostly the critics who like him, of course, because He Has Wine.

I had to go to the gala in the end anyway, Anna passed out. By the time I arrived half the guests had passed out, actually- it reminded me of a gas chamber, but with pretty dresses.

Rushing off to Chanel..

One is not born woman, but becomes one- Simone de Beauvoir. But how does one become a woman? The answer, my reader, is Chanel. One becomes a woman with Chanel.
This poses a couple more questions though- how much Chanel must you buy before you are a woman? And what if a baby has multitudes of Chanel- le Chanel baby- are they a woman, hmm?

I will not give you some hogwash about the answer being, say...blowin' in the wind. I do not go in for this sort of vague politically correct namby-pamby-wishy-washy-my-mother-didn't-breast-feed-me rubbish. It's very simple: get a measuring tape out and measure yourselves. If you're a woman, it will obviously say "woman" on the measuring tape. If you are 165 CM, it will say "165 CM" on the measuring tape and that is what you are: one hundred and sixty five centermeters. If you are a terrible person, it will say so. And so on it goes. Then you will know your place.

Today I have Frida somebodyorrather coming to see my show at Chanel. I was only aware of this yesterday, when she turned up at my studio. I asked her who she was and she said she was the woman from "Slumdog Millionaire", and invited her to come on in. She didn't look homeless or anything. I thought the people in "Slumdog Millionaire" were poor? She was wearing a Chanel jacket- and it wasn't fake. I inspected the stitching itself- licked it, whispered to it in my sensual voice that no jacket can resist. It's a real pity animated characters can't attend fashion shows- I would love Coraline to attend tomorrow's show.

Saw Cathy at the studio today, too- I was relieved to see she didn't eat anything this time! She seemed hungover from that hack Alaia's place last night. Anna was there too. She's upset about that fellow at that place. Nina Ricci? I gave up the 80's in the 80's. Dynasty does not screen in the cinema of my mind.

I suppose I'll see you all at the show anyway. Tea at Colette afterwards.