Monday, March 21, 2011

In which I deem you worthy of hearing my thoughts

You know, I've been busy. I've been busy filming things like Magnum commercials, commercials for detergents, and commercials for washing machines. It is all quite a serious business! I designed the last few collections in my sleep, whilst planning out the Magnum commercial (why is she eating the Magnum? Who is she eating the Magnum? What is Magnum, when I fondle my jackets and observe the world for the imported room of no-decaying ice I had imported from Antartica?) I've come to the conclusion that Magnum is possibly more important that fashion in the world, right at this very moment. It is of the moment, hm? This clothing business is so- well, it is so overexposed, as the Californians say.

-Why do you bother wearing clothes? I asked my assistant
-How would I be fashionable without clothing? he said
-How would you be fashion without clothing? I corrected
-How would I be fashion without clothing? he said
-Fashion is inside where your heart used to be, I told him. Do you still have your heart?
He tried to look shocked at the mere suggestion that he still had his heart and hadn't sold it for a piece of couture, or a drink at a hip bar in Paris.
-Of course not! he said. How could I store fashion (he pointed to his heart) there, if I still had a heart?
-How would you still be alive, my dear boy? I said
-With...with the power of fashion? he said.
-Fashion does not power you, I said. Power fashions you.
-You are so wise! he said. I could hear his little heart ticking away at an accelerated pace. I could smell the blood pumping through it.
-Poland fashions you! I said
-Poland fashions me?
-Fashion you Poland! I said
The assistant looked confused. I had another assistant cut his heart out, with a silver pair of scissors designed by Tadao Ando. His little heart continued to beat as it sat on a silver platter with "Chanel" engraved on it.

-Oh, dear, I said
-Oh dearie me, said the other assistant
-His heart is far too red
-Far too fleshy, said the other assistant
-Far too...meaty said Cathy Horyn.
-Lost cause, said nobody in particular.

This is the thing with the Magnum. It is an object of beauty. It must not be consumed, of course. Does one consume a Van Gogh or a plate of caviar? Of course not. Both the painting and plate of caviar sit there to be admired, as a challenge.
"I must not eat the Van Gogh", a lady in her nightgown might say to herself, as she wanders off to be- tempted as she is to eat it.
The Magnum functions on the same level. It is to be place with the Van Gogh and the caviar, as a kind of democratic challenge to every person who passes it. The fattie will eat it right away, as will anybody who is uneducated. I do not mean in the sense of someone who has not been to university. I did not go to university, and I am the greatest person on this planet at the moment. I have met plenty of sniveling little youths who come to my door and plead for an internship.

-Oh, please Karl! This is the job a million girls would kill for! I have a degree in ethnoeuropean social sciences involving the chronology of western counterpoint, specifically in relation to how Russian composers effect Russia's economy!

What I mean by educated is dressing well. If one does not dress well, nobody will bother hiring you. Nobody will want to look at you, because you are an eyesore. And how can one deal with people if they are dressing terribly? Here is a good thesis, for all the students who read this web-blog: How does bad dressing effect a nation's economy? The answer, of course, is 42.


Princesssabina said...

Dear Karl

You can not be fashion if there is no heart, for the fashion is passion that only few people enjoy (I guess only those under 42). Sure sometimes is cruel, but how else could we distinguish dolls from trolls I ask you?
Also, I heard this rumor that you will be attending Fashion Week in Sarajevo. I must say, if it's true, that it's going to be an honor to have you here.


Davidikus said...

Fake Karl dearest,

Magnum ice-creams (for I believe this is the topic of choice today) are really, truly, hideous. They are fat, top-heavy, their design is unbalanced. A truly fashionable ice-cream is a Mr Freeze icepop : long slender, slim, full of nothingness (water, a bit of sugar, flavouring).

Dahl said...

Dear Karl,
I know you recieve a lot of fan mail, but this letter actually has to do with fashion, which, of course, is much more important than the number 42 or even the analysis of a human heart. Me having graduate from Parsons in '42 and being a good fashion student and all, in answer to your question, bad dressing would drastically damage a nation's economy. The worst case of bad dressers are those who wear nothing at all ( observed in the case of your poorly mistaken assistant) so if everyone were dressing as poorly as him no one would buy clothes. Thus the economy would tank. This is the ultimate reason for our country's recent recession--too many people decided to go topless a la Anne Hathaway in "Love and Other Drugs" and not enough people were buying expensively priced feather poof dresses from Chanel. If only your assistant had been smart enough to dress well, he would've spared us all of the terrible idea of dressing without clothing. Of course, the solution to this problem is, again, 42.

michael said...

Karl is back! Bravo! So many good tidbits in this one. I am inspired.

Pashupati said...

Now with these references to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the Devil Wears Prada, I wonder if there are other references I may have missed.

larapollinare said...

Once I tried to eat a Rothko, but it ate me up instead and spit my heart out on the floor of the Tate.

That's education.

Anonymous said...

Dear Karl,

I saw this and thought you might enjoy this as much as I did. I'm wondering if you perhaps wrote it?


Ailin Bisi said...

dear fake karl,

we need bad dressers to have well dressers.
and even if bad dressers stop existing, there would be only well dressers and gorgeous dressers. Automatically the well dressers will take the role of a bad dresser.
We, human beings, need that balance.