Sunday, February 20, 2011

Melbourne, My Word!

K darling.

I was out on my nightly stroll just now and found myself the subject of birds. Not in an entirely Hitchcock way as they weren't attacking so much as nestling in my hair. I had paused to contemplate the colour red (and came up with Brimstone) but by the time my thoughts had settled, I had become the subject of several crows.

My word, I thought, as my assistants avidly scrubbed the nearest shop window so I could admire myself in it - THIS is couture. Just as this realisation passed me, a girl in a polyester floral top and the suggestion of shorts (I would repeat the word "short" to illustrate the style of the item in question but I have a contract with Vogue that disallows me to speak or acknowledge that which is not Style.) It was disenchanting enough that someone who is not invisible decided to interrupt my musing, but to her discredit, she snorted in laughter as her thighs (designed by Ed Hardy in the style of Roast Hams) rubbed across my vision. Do not pretend to hide behind your hands. Those claws cannot hide your unworthy disdain.

This is not the first instance of the unlooked judging those in power. As I have been in the vaults so long, it did take me by surprise. Does this city of Melbourne, in which I visit, sincerely exist outside the realms of couture? Surely not all of these people are so uncultured?

I am almost certain that somewhere close there will be a tattoo parlour here that only tattoo stars and butterflies. I can see it now, the person behind the counter is tall with jet black hair. Perhaps scattered with sailor tattoos. If one wanted to get a tattoo of a butterfly, why not live in a museum and pin one's wings to oneself every day? Or hire assistants to collect the coloured butterfly dust and use that to make dye in which to stain a silk patch in which you sew to yourself? This is fashion. This is Style.

I may have to make arrangements so that I wont be here much longer. In the meantime I will speak to the authorities about keeping the general constituency locked in discount marts where they can spend their hard earned money on excess floral and perfume so heavy in chemicals it burns slightly on the skin.

x D


Marella Ricketts said...

Love your blog, karrrrrl!

Caitlin said...

This is going to be off the subject and random but what's your opinion on Beth Ditto?

aammiiH said...

I love you D!

Davidikus said...

I really enjoyed this piece. I just visited SF & I can certainly relate to what you are saying about Melbourne. Nice though the place might be, it is difficult to believe that an entire city can dress so badly & be so démodé! It feels like travelling back in time to the late 1970s.

PS. Don't misunderstand me: I liked SF, though!

Amanda said...

Wow, really not cool D, slagging off Melbourne. Two things you said in this post absolutely amazed me.. I just love your absolute ignorance in this.

Firstly, the entire city dresses bad? Ok, I won't deny that an overwhelming number of people dress terrible, but an underlying theme is that this is Australia. We're laid-back and carefree people, you can't compare us to the vain (don't even try to deny it) pulled-together fashionistas of Paris and New York. If you thought Melbourne, the fashion capital of Australia, was bad, god forbid you see the skanky hogans in Brisbane and Sydney. Melburnians have more class and fashion sense than the rest of the nation.

Secondly, people in Melbourne are uncultured?! HA that seriously made me laugh. Again, Melbourne is the cultural city of Australia. Clearly you were looking for the same snobby high-fashion culture that dozens of other large cities in the world have. I genuinely feel sorry for you, that you came to Melbourne and failed to recognize the beauty and uniqueness of the city. We may have disappointing and limited designer stock, but you clearly missed out on the real Melbourne experience: exploring laneways and arcades, spending an afternoon in a hidden cafe or bar, shopping in independent boutiques, looking at street art, buying waffles from the Waffle Man, taking a tram with a takeaway coffee in hand, going to underground music gigs, finding random warehouse parties, hopping between rooftop bars on summer nights... And that's just the city.
Melbourne IS culture, because we have our own unique way of life.

It's a pity that you didn't get to appreciate what an amazing city Melbourne is. I've been all around the world and I really wouldn't live anywhere else. Seriously, next come you visit, D, I'll show you Melbourne as it really is. Email me or something and i will send you a list. If you can look past the polyester dresses and your own reflection, I think you'll really love it here.

Miscellaneous said...

@Amanda, I find myself repeating... myself as I've mentioned this on a previous post. This is, in fact, satire. Grats on loving your city, but you need to take what she's saying a little less seriously.

Amanda said...

If I read this blog, I clearly understand satire. Like I said, I know that many people in Australia and in Melbourne dress badly. It pains me that that's the case. I just find it really disappointing when visitors don't get to have the real Melbourne experience because they're looking for the wrong things. We've got so much to offer and it gets overlooked way too often - that's the only point I'm trying to make, just in my long-winded ranting way.

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Anonymous said...

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Carolina said...

But...I'm stranded on an island in the Caribbean. I NEED shorts!

Anonymous said...

Hello im after a stockist in Perth, can anyone tellHair melbourne me where and how much i can find them for?

Matt Dart said...

When you want something spontaneous to happen to you, Melbourne is always there to make it happen. I remember a late working night and walking out of the storage office, when I saw two birds perched on top of my vehicle. It was the strangest thing that I have ever seen since it was late at night, and birds aren’t known to be night creatures. It was strange, but quite memorable.