Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Fate Of The World

“The fate of the world relies on several things”, I said to the man standing beside my bed this morning. I believe he was my butler giving me the newspaper (ironed with couture irons), but often men who look very much like my butler stand beside my bed in the mornings as well. I don’t know why this is. Something quantum, no doubt. These Other Men who stand beside my bed often look like my butler, even down to the type of bowtie he wears- but once they say “Good Morning, Monsieur Lagerfeld” it’s immediately obvious that they’re not my butler. In some cases they’re the ghosts of Christmas past, future, and so on- the Dickens method of guilt tripping wretched creatures like myself who sold their soul long ago into feeling bad about spraying wine at the choirs who attempt to sing chorals on Christmas eve, and feeling bad about the fact that I sold my soul in the first place. Mr. Dickens was very into this manipulation of heart-strings. It’s just a pity I have no heart either, hm?

Other mornings I’ll find a tax collector beside my bed, a taxman. The old saying about death and taxes rings true- sometimes death visits me too. Of course, I tell death that I died a long time ago, before they used computer systems to track who’d died in the underworld, and I present a lawyer to the tax collector who promptly turns into a pile of dust (like editors are terrifying to books, certain lawyers are terrifying to tax collectors).

Anyway, “The fate of the world relies on several things”, I said. “And what’re they?” said my butler. “Chanel jackets, sunglasses, and mystery” I said.

“Ahh, but you’ve told the Chanel jacket joke before!” my butler said- “I can remember you humanizing the jacket, personifying it, a few months ago in an entry. And you’ve also talked about how they taste delicious, how lovely they are to lick.”
“What on Earth are you talking to about entries?” I said. “This is life we’re talking about. Life is not a series of witty entries. Life is a series of appointments and invitations.”

“Oh- they know what I’m talking about”, he said looking outside, as if talking to an audience. “Can’t you see them? Their eyes glued to their little computer screens reading what’s happening right now. Mon Dieu- some of them look like they need to sleep! Look at the bags under that one! And this one, this one right here- the one who put on makeup just to read us. Yes! I see you!”

“Albert. Dear Albert. There’s nobody there. We’re simply in my bedroom, discussing Important Things in life. Nobody can be reading this, as if we’re characters in a novel or short story or somesuch.”
“Don’t you feel….as if you’re being watched half the time? Or rather, read?” he said.

“Well. Sometimes I feel like things we say are being translated into French, put into a movie and then people- teenage girls with an inclination toward kittens, naked models, and the like- post a screenshot from this theoretical movie with a French subtitle underneath. Probably something faux-deep, you know- “I always knew it would come to this.”, and so on. And when taken out of context said teenage girls feel very intellectual and self satisfied with themselves, and proceed to post ten million pictures of kittens and cupcakes and naked girls, with the occasional Woody Allen quote- I can’t fault that.”

“Tumblr” said my butler.


“Nothing,” he said.


“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sometimes Albert, I get the feeling that you know more than you let on.”

“Oh, no, I just take too much LSD in the morning.”

“I can think of worse things to take. You don’t have the hands to smoke cigarettes. Neither do I.”

“My mother did.”

“I think that sentence was for me, actually”, I said to my butler.

“Oh- my apologies. Sometimes I forget these things.”

“My mother did. Mm, that’s better.”
“I think we’ve probably lost the more simple readers.”
“Well, if we had these “readers” that you speak of, I’m sure some would “get it” and others would be shaking their heads and waiting for a ritual joke about fatties or drinking diet Coke or somesuch.”

“Diet Coke’s no laughing matter.”

“You’re quite right.”

“Gosh, look at that one! I can see she’s already posting a quote from us in French on some sort of website.”

“I’ll take your word for it. You know, I often think these teenagers should be doing something with their lives.”
“Like Bud Cort?”

“Yeah. Like Bud Cort. Isn’t he 16 by now?”


Anonymous said...

Yeah, you're right about one thing, I should be doing something with my life right now.

fledgling said...

dear karl,

also: my word verification was "expesca"

i thought anyone who reads this should know.

just say it out loud...



Sam Whoever said...

Génial. Been waiting sooo long for this post!

Thank you Uncle Karl. Now I can get my Diet Coke.

Fledging, mine is stellaru ^^ sounds like norse for stellar, non?:)


Mother of Style said...

I apologize for not applying my makeup before reading. Of course I should have known it was the polite thing to do.

John said...

Hi Karl Lagerfeld
We think that you're amazing and very cool. We're about to make a big project in our school, and it's about personal style(clothes, hair, make up and so on) and personality. We think that you have a very nice style, so we wondered wether you'd answer on some questions that we can use in our project?

1) What does style mean to you?
2) Do you have a style icon?
3) What do you think about personal style?
4) How will you describe your own style?
5) If you should tell us something about style, what would that be?

We would reallly appreciate if you will help us :)

Love Frederikke and Amalie, Denmark.

Ross said...

Oh Karl, How I missed you over your holiday.

Anonymous said...

Well put, Karl. Can't wait for your next post!

Fay said...

My sentiments exactly. Brilliant!

kate said...

very good



pow said...

Anna’s plan to destroy Paris Fashion!
In the world where the internet exists, everyone knows every detail that it going on at the industry. The most talkative blogger, who has it all! Brian Boy, informed use that Anna had a meeting with the head of French ministry of industry.
She has ideas to support young designers and also to protect big luxury brands like Dior and Hermes from recession.
As WSJ says Anna is responsible for the NY fashion growth, and we should not forget that whatever Anna did was without any help or loan from the government. There are ideas about giving loans to the fashion brands. It is socialist fashion and no one can survive from this horrible concept. Only a talented gentleman like Karl Lagerfeld would understand what a tragedy it could bring to the fashion industry.
Soon the French National Assembly would start sessions to decide what fabric we should use at the next Chanel couture show. The worse result is what happens when the anti fashion groups start protesting against us!? Anna! Your choice would destroy Paris fashion.
In the world of luxury no one needs the help of government, a truly luxury brand is a brand that would survive at any economic circumstances. It’s so easy, think that you have 1000 members at a community and only 10 people could afford your product. No matter what income they have, those 10 people would always be your target costumer. If sending free goods to celebrities or using bloggers to support the products no longer works, we should blame the Hermes’s and Dior’s Marketers.
Those marketers work for the people who can not afford the products. Its non-sense, the target costumer it not the one who earns less that 200k$ a year, and those who earn would not spend their time looking at the celebrities.
The fashion industry growth is done without the help of the government and it’ll continue to do so. Let’s face it there is nothing incredible about a Hermes bag, other than marketing, and so the costumer would rather to buy a bag from a good Marketer not a good designer with the government support!
I can see the collapse of the Paris fashion after such decisions. They just do not get it! Poor people already hate fashion world probably because Anna says they are left out, but after such decisions and spending their money to build luxury brands I’ll give them the support to protest against our world ( as Anna says at the beginning of September Issues).
The only intelligent man who works in fashion industry is Karl Lagerfeld. He knows that fashion needs to be advertised; He has the incredible business power. He has done a great job at Chanel, and I know he would not believe on communism. As a truly capitalist he knows what a luxury customer wants, it’s better to just listen to him rather than Anna who has plans to destroy independent Paris Fashion industry.

rizalman atelier said...

well done on your couture spring 2010! awesome collection.. even you were wearing grey!

Miri said...

oh genious of beauty and jackets
I adore thee

Kim said...

This cracked me up:

“Diet Coke’s no laughing matter.”