The lord giveth

Question: Is Karl's new novel ready yet?

Answer: Yes, it it. Part one is ready to be purchased, for two dollars- the price of bourgeois person's soul, if I believed in such things. When part two is ready, the novel will be updated and you will find yourself with part two glaring at you on your ipad or kindle or whatever you read with, if you are one of those heathens who use digital. A better idea is to have your book binder bind a copy for you. And bind a new book for "part two", and "part three" and so on.

Question: Where can I purchase this fine book?

Answer: here.

And While None Of You Were Paying Attention

Loyal Readers,

By now you will think that I have grown bored of this blog thing, that I have perhaps obtained a tumblr where I post pictures of macaroons with my portrait on them, or that I have decided to leave the world of the world wide interweb entirely and sculpt men I find beautiful and desirable out of materials such as chocolate or coffee. This has all been a rouse, as the more onto it of you will have realized. You who saw the symbols I wrote in the sky, and the smoke signals I made at the Vermont property, and the little encoded bits of information I've placed in the last few Chanel collections. Your savior has not left you, your savior has just reached the stage where he prefers to be perverse and cryptic to wheedle out all the chaff and find out who my True Followers are. This is important. I do not believe in a democratic system of any sort, and nor do I for these web-blogs. True Believers would've noticed the way I wrinkled my nose last Saturday at the Charity Function For Rich People With Too Much Money And Who Cares What The Cause Is Anyway? and they would've went to their special-edition Karl Lagerfeld decoder books, and matched up the nose wrinkle with their deluxe-edition Karl Lagerfeld mood ring, and then consulted the length of the grass outside, and known "ah! it is coming!"

And what is coming, dear readers? What is coming is a novel which I have written. It is in digital form, because digital is more in the moment than print anyway, and it will come out in installments. It will be like playing Waiting For Godot, the book. Or it will be like living in Victorian England and waiting for a new installment of Dickens' latest novel about social injustice and all that rubbish. Or it will be like waiting for one stone tablet at a time. Except this is essentially the greatest novel since Ulysses, and will be more influential than The Bible.

Look out for further signals. Pray often (and don't even think about praying if you're not well dressed).

So this morning...

As per usual, I woke up this morning. Actually that's a lie. I pretended to wake up this morning. I closed my eyes, waited for my butler to come in, then opened them again as he clicked into the room. I even rubbed them- I've heard that's what people do. My butler reminded me I needed to be in my bed rather than reading and sketching to make the illusion of sleep authentic. We're working on it.

As well as the usual papers and printouts from the internet, medical journals (they make me feel superior), and such, there was a manuscript. As in, a novel.

Ah, Gothe. Ah, Nabokov. Ah, Murakami; I thought to myself as my fingerless gloves handled this novel. I started to read it.

By the way, I noticed Chan Marshall is in Paper magazine, or is going to be, or something like that. I'll get an assistant to sort it out, no? Chan is the only woman I ever found sexy. Ever. I think I just may give up on being asexual if she wanted to do the sex. Email me, Chan. fakekarl@gmail.com

No really. Go on. Email uncle. Hmm?

Anyway, I started reading this novel and it's rather good. I would like to publish it. I mean, not on my own label- I'm already busy with that. Autobiography, memoirs, and biography-about-autos-I-ride-in. A few photography books. So email me if you're interested in publishing the novel I received, hmm?

I feel there should be music playing in the morning. Where is the orchestra? I need an orchestra. That's what I'm going to do today, in that case. Find an orchestra to wake up to. Are the Berlin Philharmonic doing anything?