Monday, January 17, 2011


Unfortunately for myself, I am acutely aware of the un-chic.

If I were more civilised, like my good friend, K, I would neglect to even recognise the existence of the demode - except to post about them. Even this, I believe, is a theoretical dismissal because he has swarms of models and PR wolves around him like body guards to prevent the attempted assassination by demode. Can you imagine what would happen if there were a picture snapped of him in the immediate vicinity of, say, little Terry Richardson? Not that this would happen easily as I understand little Terry spends most of his time outside high schools where he frightens small children with the size of his glasses and salivates on the shoes of school girls as they go past.

It appears to me, more and more as the days go by, that this swarm of people that K has (and often lends to me when I emerge from the vaults of the Museum) cannot protect me from the un-chic that exist outside the world of fashion.

Let me give an example.

A girl with entirely too much stomach for her jeans kindly informed me in the street recently of what Starburkes is soon to be releasing.

For one curious but horrific moment, I suspected they had blended an entire town - Houses, Town hall and inhabitants alike - which would make sense in that they were only serving them on ice. For you see Trenta is a town in Italy (or Slovenia, depending on your expenditure).

Secondly, I was out with my good friend Mr Colbert and after a pot of green tea and miniature cupcakes decorated and sculpted solely from Eggleston photographs I was informed that trenta is also Italian for kidney failure. How parfait. I simply cannot envision a world where something like this were to happen by accident. It is clear to me that there is some sort of usurper in the P.R. company of Starburkes. He/she is working undercover for all that represents sanity in this world.

This is not the most delightful component of this whole affair. Not that I would hastily call it an affair per se, as it is as gormless as a hagfish. The most delightful component of this situation is the comments that you might notice at the bottom of the post on the neo-Trenta. Their logic is clear on the matter. Let me set aside my intellect and paraphrase

- The stomach EXPANDS, duh. Don't you know ENYTHING. How ELSE do you eat all that turkey at thanks giving or drink one uf thoz 2L buttles of cok?

It seems that the proles are actively trying to out-macho each other in the limits of their stomach stretching. Needless to say this is delightful. Why on earth would Terrorists attempt to attack our way of life when our way of life is institutionally self destructive.

Oh! Before I forget, if you happen to be a terrorist, try not to attack New York again. We are most definitely not who you are looking for. We are, in all honestly, slightly mortified to be a part of the United States. Picture us as the cerebral and aloof cousins of a very po-dunk obnoxious family.

Much obliged,

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How evil that cup is - larger than the human stomach! That means it would be approximately ten times the size of the average model's stomach which might come in handy as a less expensive way of feeding them all for the day. Perhaps you could suggest this to K when you next see him as a way of feeding his "swarm" as you put it - after all we are in a financial crisis and it may be of assistance.
Although i do feel for the New Yorkers being surrounded by sea on one side and demode on the other, they needn't fear the remainder of the American population taking over - as you have eluded to they are well on the way to extinction by natural selection anyway.
kisses kisses