Everybody's Having Those Same Old Dreams (Or, My Day was Just Wonderful, Thank You Very Much)

The other day, I was walking around Hyde Park. I often do this: it's a very good park for walking. There's plenty of interesting people there: gynaecologists, gourmet butter importers, lords whose kingdoms have dissolved into sand and the like. Just a month ago I was there and a man with small glasses and a green jacket came up to me- his name was Ozymandias, he said to me. I said hello to Ozymandias. It turns out that this fellow is in fact an Egyptian, used to be an accountant in Egypt. A sort of king, I suppose. He and I ended up discussing J.G Ballard, who you will know died the other day. We ended up going down to Hades to visit Mr. Ballard- we also visited my soul, who rests upon a pillow of silk and tweed. I've always rather enjoyed the river that one must go down to get to Hades- Anna's done some fantastic fishing in it. It's black and shiny, much like the remaining the umbrella I designed in 1947.

Anyway, I was walking around Hyde Park and everybody's looking at the sky. Even the doormen, in their Austrian jackets were looking up to the sky. Every single living thing in Hyde Park- plants included- was looking up toward the sky.
"What are you doing there?" I called out to a man in a tweed suit, with tweed shoes and a tweed pencil. He did not reply, his eyes mimicking the relationship between a child and a television.
"Hello?" I called again, stunned by the collective necks straining upwards.
"Twitter." was the lone response from a man with no face, but a bowler hat.
"Hmm?" I hmm?-ed.
"Twitter," he repeated, as if a wind-up toy.

The crowd in Hyde Park moved their arms up toward the sky, as if they were worshiping one of those religions, and started to say "Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. Twitter."
"Is twitter not an internet service?" I asked the man who had no face.
"Twitter is the sky. Twitter is the sun, moon, sky, and Earth. Twitter is you, Karl."
"Hippie." I retorted.
The crowd began to sing "Aquarius"- that awful wishy-washy-my-mother-didn't-breastfeed-me song, you know the one? I won't even link to it here, for fear half of you form a commune and never bathe again, but you know what I mean.

I walked away from Hyde Park scared a little, to be frank with you. As I walked a way, the crowd grew louder; now singing "give peace a chance". I wondered if I had stumbled into the 60's by mistake.
I talked to my watch, which by the way, there is only two of in the world. I muttered generally, as old men do. "Nein nein nein" accelerated at the speed of a Franco-Prussian bullet train. As I went further away they had stopped singing "give peace a chance." They were simply singing "Twitter's what we need, 140 characters' all we need, can't read no books, but hell, we can read twitter."

As I was on the outskirts of the park, the song had devolved once more, into something that wasn't even English, French, German, Swedish, or Russian. I could smell the smoke of fires, as people threw each other into the air, hoping to catch a glimpse of what-? -Ultimate Twitter Nirvana? A world created from 140 characters? Ultimate knowing of what somebody had for lunch? Mm, obviously that. I walked into the empty streets, and had diet Coke with a deaf, dumb, and dead old lady from 1840, who did not know what twitter was. I saw Shakespeare in the alley, writing a new play. One hundred and forty characters long.

Karl Lagerfeld: The Twitter Interview

fashionpirate@fakekarl i give the best advice, don't I, Uncle? Yes, yes I do. You should get Rei to send me dresses as a reward

Yes niece, you do. Your advice is as delightful as a summer's day, in which I throw things at the fatties, watching in amused yet icy silence as the things I throw dissolve into the fattie's fat. I will speak to Rei, hm? Only because I l- lo-. Well. Anyway.

latto@fakekarl Have you still got your hundreds of 1st generation iPods? If not, which do you own now & how many?

Yes. I also throw them at fatties. I have about 5687 ipods. Which you'll note, is the amount of protest singers around today.

lurex@fakekarl when you will do a new hair cut?
Never. When are you getting a new hair cut? You see, my hair is very long so my brain can function better. Otherwise it grows inwards and clogs up the brain.

teenfashionista@fakekarl What's your favorite way to spend a lovely Saturday afternoon?

Anna is generally hungover from the last night, so I take her to the hospital and they pump her stomach out. This is a weekly occurance. At least. Then she gets drunk again. Repeat process. It'll be worse at the Met Ball, much worse. She used to never drink at those things, but with that Donatella person....oh dear. Here's some dandruff-free advice: don't get drunk with Donatella Versace. Ever.

annabananafish@fakekarl if you could be any dinosaur, what dinosaur would you be and why?? (and don't just answer with "none, dinosaurs are demode")

I tried to find a dinosaur which does not eat. I ended up finding the Weimarosaurus, which you probably will not have heard of. It died at as soon as it evolved, as it refused to eat. But at least it was very chic for the 5 minutes in total that it existed, hm?

queengilda@fakekarl so how many collars do u own and can I get some? :)

78,089,986. If you go outside my Parisian apartment, and if you fight with the Le Skinny Jeans mafia that patrols outside it, you may be able to get some old collars of mine that I throw out the window of the lady who lives above me. Her name is Esme.

jmcleod@fakekarl Might you suggest a reading list or a sequence of events for a young person wanting to become a superlative designer?

And what exactly is a superlative designer? How about a "young person"? It took me a lot of time to get young! I can suggest reading a lot of Nabokov though. And Murakami. Nabokov and Murakami, and maybe a little Pynchon on the side- as for poetry; Dylan Thomas and T.S Eliot. Do not fight in the captain's tower. And don't study fashion at college; it seems to me that the vomit-rate induced by college fashion designs is actually higher than vomiting produced by alcohol consumption at college. Something's wrong if this is the case, no?

Coco_5@fakekarl. Est-ce que vous aller faire une autre collection en partenariat avec H&M?

Non.

idratherbuyshoe@fakekarl how does a lover of fashion, not working in the fashion industry, get tickets to a Chanel/KarlL show?

You purchase them at the ticket office, like everybody else.

lookcloserblog@fakekarl what do you wear to bed?

Exactly what I wear during the day. I'm like the super-man you Americans have; I must be ready all the time, every time! There are no excuses for being late to a tea party. Fashionably late is the domain of teenage girls and their proms.

lavendrdisastr@fakekarl I SHOULD GET CREDIT FOR THAT I AM CALLING YOU OUT THAT WAS MINE ALL MINE

See the note above. (But please dear, save the hysterics for the bedroom, hmmm?)

lucasvarga@fakekarl I think your comment about old people is so stupid.

I think you are incredibly demode. I am nearing 250 and you don't see me in a "home", hmm? That is because home is where the heart is, and I have no heart! I'm incredibly confused to why you think I care about what you think. The good thing about bars is the the barman pretends to care about what you have to say; I suggest using one.

glamour_puss@fakekarl thank you for validating my existence.

You're welcome. Welcome to the world, Descartes II!

latto@fakekarl You promised to answer us on your blog Haven't seen anything about your famous collection of iPods 1G That's not right...

Oh dear, you'd better write a protest song about it. "Lord have pity because Karl didn't answer my question soon enough."

Judas!

I don't believe you.

sweetarchivia@fakekarl What do you think of shows like America's Next Top Model? Do you think these girls could walk your Chanel runway?

Tyra Banks was once a decent model, before she cheapened herself with that show. It's a terrible show; like the cheese in a McDonald's burger. If you want to be a model, don't go on America's Next Top Model. You'd be better off making sexual advances at me, and I'm asexual. Have we seen an artist emerge from American Idol? Non. And I don't think we're likely to see a model emerge from a reality-show-for-the-plebes anytime soon, either.

CommeTuMeVeux@fakekarl Are grey t-shirts demode? Besides Diet Coke, which other beverage is okay to indulge on?

They probably are. I wouldn't know, because I have never worn a t-shirt in a day on my life. What is wearing a "tee-shirt" like?
Champagne is okay to indulge in if you're Anna. Otherwise, water. It's good enough for the dolphins.

aydapadi@fakekarl Hi babe.

I'm asexual you know!

Tweet

People, I've finally gotten this Twitter thing. It's at the side there. Must go now; Anna's gotten Vermont residents mixed up with Animals and is trying to shoot them. What, with all their facial hair..