Chanel Phone

What I really want to design is a cellphone.
Now you see, I hate phones. I've written about it. But today our society is always on the move, and cellphones are integral to this.
It would have a self destruct button, for stress. If you can afford a Chanel phone you can afford to buy another one. If you can't you shouldn't be buying Chanel, hmm?

At Chanel we have an over-pricing policy of 50% so we price a product at maybe 500% of what it cost or so, reasonable. Then we add 50% of that price to that. Our customers like that.
More expensive products are better in their eyes. With the phone we'd do the same.

Maybe the phone would have a few buttons or whatever, I guess. You're not buying the Chanel Phone for the buttons, hm?
It'd have to have the self destruct button, and maybe a few numbers. 1,3,8 and 6 or so. It doesn't need a screen because you do not buy Chanel Phone for the screen.

But it needs to be made of tweed. Can we do that? Of course we can.

Phones

I hate phones. Andy Warhol loved them- he used to ring me up at 5 AM and just breath into the mouthpiece. This would go on for hours, and eventually I would just put the phone down on my table and let him continue. Eventually he would fall asleep and a coked out assistant would hang up.

Sometimes he'd pretend to be a salesman and say "would you like to buy my vacuum cleaner". That's all he said. Then I might indulge him and say "why yes, I would like to buy a vacuum cleaner. How much do they cost?".
But he wouldn't say anymore as if he was an actor with stagefright who couldn't remember his next line. Then I would say "Andy, I am tired of this nonsense, I am hanging up". He just continued breathing.

He's dead now.

Occasionally when I am in New York I get rung up on my telephone by salesmen who have somehow found out my number (this never happens in Paris because I cut the phone line). I say to them: "my vacuum is in disarray over my bird, hmm?". They say "we can offer you great life insurance, for only..." (I thought this opening move would confuse them, now I am convinced that they don't actually speak English; only know how to say a few lines and recognise the word "yes"). At this point I cut them off: "my house is trapped in a tree, chic, non?"
They continue: "for only 995 per year! This is a really great offer ma'm*".
I then will put the phone down and let them continue talking. The longest someone talked for was 3 hours. I pity the man who wrote the script they read off.

Anyway, these phones affect my work. One cannot sketch when a phone is ringing. I presume those that use phones as their main form of communication are too ugly to speak to me in person. So it is a blessing in disguise, hmmm?


*I fear this "insurance" script is targeted towards vulnerable old ladies. Which I am not, hm?