The poor have a problem which a lot of the socialites I know- you know, the ones who do ''philanthropy'' and so on- aren't actually aware of. It is children. Childrens, you see, are what happen when a poor person has sexual intercourse with another poor person and they produce what doctors now call a 'baby'. Now, wealthy people have this problem also- sometimes they make love (only the poor have sexual intercourse; the rich make love) and a variation of a childrens is formed- a 'trust fund childrens'. This phenomenon has been going on for years, of course- in the days of the aristocracy, a child would inherit the kingdom and he and his brothers and sisters would fight about it. Today, a child is dolled out money (similar to social security checks) from what is know as a 'trust fund'. The Geldof sisters- Peaches, Strawberry and Cream, are a good example of this. Trust fund childrens are remarkably similar to actual childrens, but in school they are taught a different set of physics- call it 'The Physics Of Egocentric Vanities'. They're taught that the sun actually revolves around their head, that gravity is a sort of butler to them, and that air is a substance found in Africa in mines owned by their dear father. Needless to say, these people grow up slightly different to the childrens of poor people.
-I imagine a lot of you are gasping now, with expressions like '!' and '?!' and '!!!', depending on your level of botox. Perhaps, if you're from the Hollywood-Scientology circle, your face simply looks like this: '...', because your botox has turned your face into a barren marble statue. You are possibly holding your well-manicured hands over your well-lipsticked mouths, wondering how on earth one is supposed to look after a childrens.Let me tell you, it took me a long time to work out too. I have worked out some essentials, though, in case you ever find yourself poor and with a baby. (This is quite different to the "accessory baby", in vogue a couple of years ago- especially babies from Africa. That moment has passed.)
By Karl Lagerfeld, Field Marshall
2.) A baby cannot be naked. When my friend Paloma Picasso had her baby, it came out clothed in Lacroix with a Stephen Jones hat.
Eventually a baby will turn into a childrens, and then into an adult (or as a child disguised as an adult). If you are lucky, they will not be terrible and will not turn into a social climber who asks for money to write about parties. That's a fine job, but one for a copy writer- the sort of who writes the captions on the back of cereal boxes.
-Which isn't such a terrible thing either, no? I have a fine collection of vintage German expressionist cereal boxes, with captions like "THE RICE PUFFS TURNED INTO A COCKROACH" and "ONE MORNING, WHEN LITTLE YVES AWOKE.."- and so on. They're wonderful, and in a kind of shiny black and white nobody does anymore. But I digress. Did somebody mention tea?