Sunday, May 30, 2010

Maude and Fish

Golly, as my my Vermont neighbor Maude often says. I like Maude. She's a good hunter, and she's taught Anna how Not To Shoot people (a relief for the Vogue PR dept, let me tell you. How many more excuses could they come up with- "it was just a Government weather balloon that fell on the poor dear, so sorry!", "Terry Richardson's massive lack of talent and taste fell upon Mrs. Salome, she died instantly. There was no pain, but we do send our commiserations to her husband. Enclosed is a free DVD of Sex And The City 2: Uncut. We do hope you enjoy!")

Another phrase of Maude's: "I have fish to fry!" Well, I have fish to fry too, Maude. Slimy fish. The kind that sit on the bottom of the ocean feeding on their own filth (and the filth of others). The kind of fish who get fake tans. I am, of course (you hadn't guessed?), talking about "InStyle" magazine, who contacted me some months ago wanting to feature me in a "best blogs of all time"-type feature. I laughed about it with certain associates- "haw haw haw", we went, because this "InStyle" magazine is- how do you say- for the tanned ones and girls who watch that JuicyStar person on you-tube. It is not very chic. However, I thought about it some more and thought, well, maybe this could be charity work. After all, Bono is doing Africa and the Geldof person is doing Ethipopia and Neil Young is doing the farms. I thought: ah, I will help the needy, the unfortunates, the tanned-and-sprayed ones. I must admit though, I did this for selfish means. Sometimes I look outside Rue Cambon and I see these awful orange girls with terrible leggings that make them look like German sausages. They say things like (in a heavy American accent): "THIS IS WHERE COCO CHANEL LIVES!" "DO YOU THINK SHE'LL INVITE US IN FOR TEA AND CRUMPETS?", and then someone else, from behind a street lamp (they are very thin) says: "That's the queen of England, you superficial twats." And then the American girls say: "OH! IS THAT WHAT COCO CHANEL DOES?", to which the person behind the street lamp sighs and mopes off to a cafe.

Now, these "InStyle" people required a t-shirt. A demode shirt. I discussed this with the seamstresses who make these, thread by thread, and they said "verra well, if you must." I thanked them and emailed "InStyle" back with "If you return it by sundown." They replied with "Oh! But there is a boy in the office who says your t-shirt would be the jewel in his collection!" I was feeling a tad generous, and said "Mmmph" or something of the sort. I found it funny (as did the associates), because we were joking that this is all "InStyle" wanted from us- that it was an elaborate hoax rouse to obtain a t-shirt. (By the way, those hacks claimed they couldn't afford to spend the money on buying a shirt- apparently it costs too much to shoot Miley Cyrus or Rand Paul or whoever they have on their covers.)

Of course, a day later or so, I received an email from the assistant who was in charge of "picture finding" or something similarly ridiculous. She said the editor pulled the piece. The editor, who I looked up, is one of those demode and unfortunate tanned ones. More's the pity. My associates agreed with me that this was their plan from the start: to obtain a t-shirt, with no intention of doing the story (for this fabled "boy", whoever he is. I like my boys visable, and preferably naked.)

So to use another phrase of Maude's: "Nuts to them!"- she does have good phrases. I can think of more explicit ones, but I'd feel like I was making fun of those starving Africans, such is the plight of the tanned ones. I thought about this for a whole minute, and I thought- well, maybe I should help them even more. And this is my plan- I am going to start a trust. I call it the "SAVE THE TANNED DEMODE", or STD for short. Please donate generously (checks can be written to Mr Howard Ques, 56 Rue Saint Colette, Paris.) With your help we can give them a better life, and provide white makeup for them to cover up their tans. 


Bre said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bre said...

Not to be a bore or even *gasp* demode, i must say that I live in the orange-tanned and plastic land mortals call America (where, i might add, as I have not succumbed to the addiction that many call "cosmetic surgery," I feel like an outsider). Your blog, with its witty humour about those fake bottom feeders has sustained me in those times when I felt myself sinking to their level. Thank you for deciding to help those who have already been dragged down (or done so willingly *violent shudder* for the sake of those who truly value beauty and fashion.

Blue Floppy Hat said...

InStyle was indeed a bottom feeder- it was kind of you to attempt to do something charitable for them, but too bad the Tanned Ones are undeserving.

vidal.wu said...

InStyle is for suburban mothers who invest in fake Coach.

Fury said...

I think the most mortifying part of this post is not that they frowned upon your most charitable gestures, but more the image of some repugnant tanno hipster boy, with his hair swooshed forward, parading his exquisite, hand printed DEMODE t-shirt.

Perhaps someone will recognise it and consider him to be less than the DEMODE suggests. Perhaps they will befriend him purely on the basis of this t-shirt, then, in the midst of some deep dark night, they will realise! HOrrOr will flood through them and clarity will ensue. The shirt that their friendship, perhaps entire relationship - even marriage - was built upon a sham.

Your fans, Karl. How they will suffer! False pretences are the worst pretences. I will make it my personal mission to interrogate males I encounter who wear said style and report back to you immediately.


Front Row Mode said...

Loving the blog


Domino said...

Oh god Karl how you brighten up my day (:

You have a gift for words and you a genius.Come and check out my blog


Jack said...

Not to seem deliberately impertinent Karl, but after reading this, I am left with some questions burgeoning in my mind.

If InStyle and said Tanned Ones are the slimy, bottom feeders, may I enquire as to what type of fish you would be?

Or is it best not to think of you as a fish at all?

I would also like to suggest, continuing the maritime theme, that the Tanned Ones barely-squeezed-into-tights legs look rather more like sea cucumbers than German sausages.

No insolence intended,


Lizz said...

you are hilarious and I hate InStyle and tan people. So annoying. Not all of America is like that though!

Artemis said...

Love the story, though you hate sentimentality. InStyle is more of a parasite than a bottom feeder though. The tanned bottom feeders are their host.

For anyone interested, I just started a blog. It only has a few entries so far, but I'd like feedback :

Vlasta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vlasta said...

haha, that is hilarious, i love the sarcasm, i just moved to NYc and its so very true, they all are kind of orange)))

snoblak said...

Your article made my day. If you knew how many people's heads I wanted to f**king chop off today, thanks to you I can laugh a little. You do bring an interesting point in InStyle being for the tanned ones. I am of course black and find it hilarious every summer how these tanned ones think it's "cool" that they are almost matching in skin color as me. They forget they are orange like blogspot's color theme and I on the other hand am a delicious chocolate brown.

Where was I with this point? Well, I love your point of view of InStyle and again your writing stopped me from throwing the mother of all bitch fits.

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