Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Clothes in a Cold Climate

I suppose you all enjoyed the Chanel show. But many of you- including the journalists who I'm fielding now whilst telepathically writing this entry and transferring my thoughts to Enrnest in Ohio who'll write these down and post them on the blog- many of you are wondering why I did this collection.

I travelled to Antarctica last year, and the North Pole a few months before that. Anna quite enjoys clubbing all the animals there- not to mention the people who looked like animals. But nevermind that. The main thing that struck me was how demode everyone was dressing. It was impossible. And in the North Pole there's a man who calls himself "Santa Claus"- he wears red and is very overweight and has a beard. Frankly, he strikes me as some sort of pervert or homeless man. He lives there in his sleigh because the bank kicked him out because he couldn't pay his mortgage- poor guy. Beside him lives an executive from the 80s who carries around one of those giant mobile telephone devices- he lives in his Mercedes. These places exist out of time and space somewhat. But that's no excuse for demode dressing, hm? You must understand- I don't mean the normal sort of demode dressing- the kind one finds and Walmart and such. It's a special sort of demode.
The people in the picture above are a typical example of the bad dressing that goes on in these places. Just because one is in a very cold climate doesn't mean that one should dress like the Antartic equivilent of ex-Woodstock now-henchmen-for-a-bad-James-Bond-villian.

So, quite simply I thought something must be done. I consider it a favor to these poor people. The Chanel show was an instruction manual for dressing in a cold climate. It's not often I'm this charitable, but you know, I quite like the penguins- I get along well with them- and if I'm going to visit them again I'd hate for the humans to be dressed as in the picture above. It's unpleasant. People wonder why more people don't go on holiday to places like Antarctica. Yet when the inhabitants are dressing like that, who would want to visit Antarctica! Every day I get emails from people like Slim John Popeye and Dr. Faustus Pound- head of the Antarctica Tourism Board, asking why magazines I work with aren't shooting in Antarctica. And I always reply with "Because your people are dressed abhorrently. It is impossible."

Now- onto the next thing. A few of you commenters need to "step up your A-game" and start writing essays in my comments section longer than the posts themselves. Ideally you'll have names like "A.Cat.Lady" and "FDR De La Truffle". I am going to be conducting a search for these commenters, because it is not good enough simply to leave a comment like "LOVE YOUR BLOG! XO" and then link to your blog. Please email me your CVs at fakekarl@gmail.com.
Ideally, you'll either be an aging British aristocrat a or costume designer, an old lady who likes to garden and wears floral dresses, or something like that. I will revise your CVs and the qualified ones will make it into "Karl's Gang" (TM).

15 comments:

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enna. said...

If I send Anna an "I ♣ baby seals" tee shirt, do you think she'll love me?

Davidikus said...

Dear Fake Karl,

It pains me to say that I am not a supplier of fake tee-shirts from rival brands, not even with a baby seal, like my esteemed colleagues who posted before me.

My friends say that I am an old English lady, parading as a 30-something French photographer - and that this is why I only drink teas if they are a bright pink, why I wear floral shirts (even with my impeccably tailored Ede & Ravenscroft dinner jackets) and why I have elected to reside in Marylebone (London W1G).

Do I sound too démodé to comment on your blog?

On the other hand, I wear shirts from Hilditch & Key, just like real Karl, and every self-respecting old English ladies. I could also entertain you with stories about Noilly Prat or the Roedean school for girls.

I look forward to receiving your kind and benevolent answer in due time. Meanwhile, I remain,

Yours truly,

Davidikus

http://davidikus.blogspot.com/

PS. Love your blog. Amaze! xo. (I am very versatile)

larapollinare said...

Congratulations Uncle "Commander of the French Legion of Honor", on your new divinely weighted title that short, hot-wife'd Frenchman has bestowed upon you.
I trust you shall wield it with much benevolent tyranny, peppered with the occasional assassination of purveyors of bad taste.
Many salutations.

Irene Catharina said...

Cher Faux Charles,

Permettez-moi d'abord de m'introduire: je m'appelle Irène Cathérine, je suis une vieille tarte (et désolée, je ne vais pas dissoudre mon vrai âge, puisque cela ne convient pas à une dame de classe, mais je peux quand-même vous dire que je me souviens du temps où mademoiselle Coco était encore connue sous le nom de "Gabrielle").

Honnêtement, je ne suis jamais allée à l'Antarctique, mais je me demande si on porte des chapeux de fourrure là bas. Si on a tellement peu d'argent qu'on habite dans sa voiture, sûrement on n'a pas l'argent pour s'acheter du fourrure. Cela me parraît être une place horrible et démodé. Bah.

Chou, je vois qu'il est tard et je dois encore faire mon sommeil de beauté.

Alors, gros bisous d'air!

And if you would wish to get a translation or my curriculum vitae, do not hesitate to send me an e-mail, dear Charles. Not only could we correspond in French, but my English is also impeccable.
I also happen to be a native Dutch speaker and I'm great at doing fake German accents. My Spanish is not yet up to scratch but I am working on it.
It will be very useful in other parts of the world that are not yet fully discovered. What do you think, are the merits of Mexico when it comes to hat designs? Honestly, South-America is so demode that it has actually become à la mode.
But oh dear, I've kept you too long. I've got to dash. My garçon is waiting for me to help me in my silk night gown and give me my evening milk with lavender honey.

Jerome said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sparklythings said...

Hmmmmmmmm.You say your name is Karl.Why are you here? Do you happen to have a case of Benjamin Button's disease? It seems like you do, I can't wait to see you at the age of 17. Then of course this movie maybe to demode for you.. You are considered a fashion icon to millions of eyeballs. Who decides this Zeus? Jesus? Diet Coke? Think about it. I want to know this. Well Ill be in your position whenever you become a mere infant so enjoy your job. I hope they don't find a cure for your disease, I like you this way your brillant. This post is pathetic. My favorite type of post by far.

Always lame,
-Your Nemesis..Sparklythings

Jerome said...

Uncle Karl,

I definitely appreciate the Chanel ice cubes bags, they’re definitely derived from the kind of irony that I appreciate. It’s the details, which really help me appreciate something. As with the entire collection, the fur was a detail that I’ve always seen as a useful in the colder conditions. I mean, look at animals (with fur), they’re homeless because: what need would they have for a home if home is where the heart is? (Heart being warm and fuzzy, something they have no problem with considering their fur.) A collection with fur plentiful would make sense for Antarctic conditions, considering there are very few homes in that area. It just makes sense to me.

But what makes less sense to me is the state of hiking clothes. Now I have a reason to travel to Antarctica… for the purpose of wearing these artificial Chanel pelages. But, I am more likely to be caught in the Midwest hiking trails in sight of cacti, not seals. But sadly, I will not catch sight of these in any kind of ‘chic’ way. Since you’ve found the solution for Antarctican ugliness, what say you is the cure for meagerly hiking equipment?

I'm afraid I don't have the convenience of help, so i will end this here since I have a math project to complete tonight.

-Jerome

I trust you know where to find my blog.

Darby said...

http://livelovefashionbydarby.blogspot.com/2010/03/chanel-on-ice.html

my blog post in reference to you beautiful Chanel RTW 2010 show yesterday. You are a genious Karl Lagerfeld and can do NO wrong!

Sincerely,
Darby

Fury said...

Sir Karl,

What, might I ask, would be required of us if we were to be a part of your "crew"?

Must we scramble and vie for your attention, veritably choking on the froth of our adoration?

Because, as much as I love you, to be this fanatical is so unbecoming.

Details, please, details.

Also, on a side note, I would beg of you NOT to consider tramping gear as the thought of sweating in Chanel is so sacrilegious it makes my eyes water.

Adieu,
Fury

Eilidh said...

Instead of the text you are reading, imagine something witty and entertaining. I should make myself a t-shirt with something along those lines scrawled across the torso.

"Instead of the girl you're seeing, imagine someone more pleasing to the eye."

I can see it being a success, can't you? Creating it might be a more worthwhile than fawning over fashion blogs and glaring enviously at my laptop screen while reading about the life of someone lucky enough to live in It All. It All being that magical world of runways and cover shoots and hairspray. The world I can only aspire to even glimpse whilst wading my way through school and the horrors of the teenage years.

I guess I'm kind of trying to say thanks. Thanks for providing me with an escape from the general demodeness of rural Scotland. Though your latest collection may work here too. I expect a penguin to totter past my window any second now. Hell, that might liven things up a bit.

Eilidh.

stacey kelly said...

brilliant, as usual :)

xx

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Matthias Pierre Lubinsky said...

We just found your blog: Nice idea - lagerfeld as a fake. Is not everything a fake? We have a graet blog in german about dandyism and so about KL:
http://dandy-club.blogspot.com

Kim said...

Enchanting, fake Karl, now FW 2010 makes so much more sense. You are of course quite right, nasty stuff as a rule on the slopes. You've turned it into a runway.