A IS FOR ANNA.

*click*

Did you turn on the recorder already, you idiotic little girl?

Well, this is what I want it to say...

The title should be something like "Anna is Ageless Always," or "Anna is Absolutely Beautiful Always" - see how we tied in the 'B' there? As in the letter that comes after 'A?' This is what being an editor is all about - it's thinking on your feet, being creative. Something you are quite incapable of achieving.

Anyway, tell Karl to halt his little ABC experiment so we can talk about my birthday. We should issue some sort of statement to the effect of:

"Hello darling admirers,

I would like to remind you that I am beautiful, radiant, and I -"

WHERE IS THE BOTTLE OF VEUVE I ORDERED HALF AN HOUR AGO? ARE ALL OF YOU DEAF MUTES? GET IT NOW. NOW.

"- and that little birthday thing I apparently had last week? Pure tabloid fabrication. You see, adoring public, I am Anna. Thus I am ageless. I wasn't born, really - it was more of a creation. I am just like those Chanel frocks, you see. A beautiful, stunning apparition. Although I must be quite clear; I didn't spring forth from Karl's head. Can you imagine the contents of his brain? I would have been crushed by visions of his mother, large format black-and-white prints or any of the 139,300 Adonis-like male models currently just "hanging out" in there. Seriously, it's like a German carnival mated with Pride and all French film from the 50s in a sick menage-a-trois. I mean, I'm sure it's beautiful. But it's also insane.

So there you have it, darlings. I have no age, no wrinkles or date-of-birth. I am simply Anna."

That's all it should say. Did it work?

I said, did it work? Did it record? Good. Now go use your stubby little fingers to post it to the blog - Karl thinks I disappeared. Also, call the Khashoggis and tell them I left the yacht in the normal slip in Monte Carlo, and thank them for letting me use it for the party. If there are any underwear models left hanging around, tell Octavia and Petrina that they can keep them.

Did that Veuve get here yet?

*click*